Dating/Relationship Series #8: Apologize

I have been doing a series on dating and relationships (how to date, where to meet guys, important things when dating) I am considering following this up with a singleness series...

I think an important part of relationships (and not just dating relationships) is the ability to apologize WELL. or for some people, just learning to apologize would be a step up. This past week I had a situation where I had to accept that someone who had wronged me was not going to apologize, just pretend nothing happened.  So, eventually I swallowed my pride and started acting like things were normal.  This frustrates me because the issue was never resolved.

One plus from this situation is that it got me thinking how horrible this would be for Dave and me if we didn't apologize.  I thought of how when he wrongs me or I wrong him, I am always so relieved for an apology and resolution.

Men, this is important to women because we hate to feel things are not okay.  Also, we place a high value on being understood.  So, when someone I am dating sees how he upset me and acknowledges that, it makes me feel immediately better because he understood what hurt me. Basically, an apology is like saying "I am sorry I did not understand or show you love by _____"

Women, men need apologies because they need respect.  I know, personally, when I am apologizing, its oftentimes for being too critical, too quick to react and get upset.  Essentially I am saying "I am sorry I was so disrespectful that I _____"

No one likes a half-a** apology. No one likes to apologize all the time while the other person doesn't make an effort.  No one likes when situations are swept under the rug with no apology.

Here are a few apology tips:

1. Acknowledge what you did wrong. Don't pin it on them.

SAY: "I am sorry that I snapped at you. I was wrong to overreact."
NOT: "I am sorry you got upset over what I said."

2.  Ask forgiveness

3.  Ask how you can make it right/offer to make it right...either now or in the future.

Example:  I know I hurt you by being overly critical about this issue, I've been grumpy lately because    
 I'm tired.  Can I take a night to rest and discuss it over coffee/ice cream/dinner tomorrow?

4. Sincerety.

5. When in doubt, apologize.  Were you grumpy or inconsiderate? Just say, "hey, I was moody with you this morning and I'm sorry."

6. Have some grace.

Obviously there is a place for grace in apologies.  Sometimes people don't know you're upset or may  know that he or she upset you but want to just move on and not address it, so you have to decide if its a big enough issue that it will be hard for you to move on without bitterness.  Sometimes its not a big deal (unkind words because he/she was tired) and sometimes it is a big deal.  Sometimes, you are gracious and move on and sometimes you lovingly bring it

Part of having grace is accepting the apology and offering forgiveness.

7. Don't make one person initiate all the time.

Often times, both parties were wrong....one was inconsiderate and then the other snapped, etc.... It's frustrating if one person always initiates the apology process, so make sure that sometimes you acknowledge your sin first and seek forgiveness.  Better yet, both parties should be racing to make things right before the other one...outdo eachother in love right?

8.  Apologize....then move on.

Sometimes, an apology may require some discussion...on how things can be handled better, etc....but once you offer that forgiveness, let go of your resentment.

Dating/Relationship Series #7: Move

(This post is somewhat inspired by a girl I read about on Kellys Korner here. She felt like God wanted her to move so she did and immediately met the right man in her new location --after years of waiting! )

I am not joking, some people will think what I am saying is drastic....BUT maybe if you aren't meeting any men or women in your area, you should move.

Seriously, one of my good friends is about to move to a bigger city and meeting new men is one of the reasons why.  I admire her honest approach.  She didn't quit her job immediately, but her contract is up and she does not HAVE to renew it, so why not get another job in a different city. She has been here and dated some but feels that she is not meeting anyone new, so instead of whining about no men in Jackson, she is doing something about it.  I like that.

I have another friend who told me she is giving it a year.  If she still isn't dating someone, she may move her business to a bigger different city.

I am not moving, but I will share my own experiance with this idea of relocating yourself to meet men.
I had dated but not met the right man.  I was very frustrated...but at the same time, I was happy with my life. I love my community of friends, I love being close to my family, I like my job, I love where I live, I like my church.  I didn't WANT to leave Jackson, but felt like I had already met most of the men in my circles in Jackson -- and either (1) they were married; (2) we had already dated; or (3) one or both of us didn't want to date the other one.

I did not want to leave Jackson for all the above mentioned reasons but I didn't want to wake up in 10 years single because I stayed where I was comfortable. But certainly, leaving a very good life behind is not a decision you make too quickly

I was telling my sister my problem this fall, and her advice was simple: give yourself a moving timeline and pray you meet someone before then.  SIMPLE enough, and she was able to give such good advice because she wasn't in my spot and was able to look at the situation objectively. No drastic measures, bathed in prayer.

So I decided that if I did not meet a great man to date by summertime, I would start looking up jobs in DC and sending in apps (not necessarily move, but start making the steps to move and see which doors God opeend)  That gave me 9 mths to go on dates and try to meet people.  That gave me 9 months to pray. That gave me 9 mths to seek the Lord's will.  I prayed that I would not have to leave Jackson, but that if I needed to, I asked the Lord to make it clear.

And, in late december, I met the man I am currently dating.  I'm not saying I will never move to DC, but I am not moving now.  Had I not met him, I would currently be sending my resumes and applications to various think tanks and governmental agencies.  I am glad the Lord made it clear what I should do.  I'm extremely grateful that atleast for now, I get to stay in Jackson, but had He wanted me to move, I would be grateful that He made my path clear.

I know some people will disagree with my advice to consider moving, BUT I think that if you were unhappy with your job, had no friends, had no good churches to attend in your current location, you would consider moving, wouldn't you? You would pray daily about it and seek the Lord's will on where you should be located.  Why won't you do the same regarding dating and marriage????

So, here is my advice (take it or leave it) Maybe you live in a small town or the city you grew up in and feel like you already know everyone in. Maybe you live in a place that lacks many Christians.  It is possible that the best way to meet a spouse is to move to a place where you can meet more people.. however it is possible that the Lord has the perfect man for you in your small town of 10,000...or in a different city but you meet through friends.  So jumping into a move is not the best thing to do.

(1) give yourself a timeline (1 year, 9 months, etc) to pray and expand your circles in your current location and to seek the Lord's will

(2) give some thought to where you would move -- do you want to know a few people there already? or go somewhere completely new? Is there a good job market there? Is there a good church? Are there young people? Are there Christians? It does no good to move somewhere with the same limitations as where you currently live..a lot of sacrifice for no benefit.

(3) Pray. Pray you meet soemone and don't have to move.  Pray that the Lord makes it clear to move. Pray.

(4) Expand your circles in your current city. Is your church lacking a lot of people your age? Visit another church some, atleast for a Bible study, etc.  Go to different places/restaurants/parties. Join a club. Try online dating. Blind dates. Etc. Etc.  Maybe there are lots of eligible men in your city but you just got stuck hanging out with the same ones all the time.

(5) improve yourself.  You may be moving within the year, so you should drop those extra 10 pounds and move looking your best! Or maybe while you are losing the weight or dressing cuter, etc, you will meet someone in your current location.

(6) decide if its worth it.  Some people love where they live so much that they would stay there for awhile and risk not meeting anyone. Do you love your job, friends, church more than you want to meet someone? If so, great, you may not want to move.  I love my life, but I wanted to meet someone badly enough that it was worth moving if need be.

**As I said, this is a drastic measure, although less drastic when you are young and single, but its one you might consider.  You never know....

Dating/Relationship Series #6: Break up.

Don't casually date for too long...

I know this seems like silly advice because (1) its a dating series yet I am telling you to break up! and (2) I recently wrote about not saying no to dates and how a date is just a date.

I still stand by what I said. A date is not a marriage proposal, and a date, even a couple dates, is not to determine if he or she is "the one"

But, dates are to determine if you want to date that person and dating is to determine if you want to marry him (or her!)

So, at the moment that you realize you can't marry that person (or vice versa), thats when the relationship should end. Normally, this is a few months in, but sometimes you hit that point later on, after striving to work through issues and differences and realizing that there are some deal breakers.

So have fun, date, be casual, but at a certain point, fish or cut bait. When you realize that this is NOT someone you can continue getting to know for the point of marriage, get out. Don't hold yourself (or that person) back.  If you stay in a relationship 6 months longer than you should, thats 6 months less to meet a person thats right for you, maybe longer because you will take longer mourning the breakup.

By the way, the reverse is not always true.  You should most likely know that you CAN'T marry a certain person a few months in.  You may not know that you CAN marry them.  Thats why you keep dating them.

I have done a lot of casual dating (ranging from a few dates to a few months) and I have only stayed in a relationship too long once.  It wasn't the worst dating mistake I have ever made, but who knows who I would have  met etc. if I had ended it quicker.

So, sometimes the best thing you can do for your dating life is break up.  Break up so that you (and he) can move on and meet the right person.

***This was already published, then republished itself. Don't know how to change it back to the original date, so sorry, y'all can read it again !! :) ***

Dating/relationship series #5: How to Fight

This was advice from a sweet friend who has been married a decently long time, but not long enough to have forgotten the dating stage.

She was sharing some marital/dating advice with me...I was essentially asking about dating and marriage and what some of her nuggets of wisdom were for getting along/making it work.  They started dating in high school, got married in college, have two babies, and are raising support for the mission field, so I knew that despite the many ups, they have had some rough times and disagreements...and as I suspected, she had good advice.

Her advice boiled down to this: Fight well.  Don't air your dirty laundry to others and go straight to the source of your problems...ie, talk to your spouse, boyfriend, etc about the problem, not always everyone else.  Simple enough, righty? But I guess its a lot harder to do...think how much "men bashing" goes on at girls night?  and vice versa? There's a difference between joking about how your husband and you fight over the remote and actually spilling the details of your fights/disagreements to others.  Words of wisdom I am glad to hear.  One day, I would like to apply the same wisdom to my marriage.

So, fight well by actually fighting with/discussing issues with your husband, and not running straight to your girlfriends to whine.  But, also, fight well by establishing some ground rules.  Clearly these will differ for everyone, but the rules could include not raising your voice, sitting next to each other, even touching (to keep things civil and remember that you care about this person you are fighting with), learning how the other person fights.  Take time to calm down if needed.  Agree to address issues as they come up.  Don't go to bed angry (hmm sounds biblical)

Also, some advice from my mom about fighting and relationships: (1) don't tell your parents about all your fights because you will get over it far sooner than they will; and (2) take a break from fighting. Sometimes the issue isn't a heated in the moment conflict, per se, but an ongoing issue -- IE, should we save for this? should our kids go to school here? Can I handle this personality trait? Is this personality difference going to be a deal breaker in our relationship?  You need answers, but unlike a disagreement over a hurtful comment, these won't be settled overnight.  The argument can be settled, but not the whole issue.  So my mom's advice is to take a break and have fun together. If you don't have to make a big decision today and its causing a lot of strife, end the arguing on a good note, enjoy a weekend of dinner out and no discussion, and revisit the issue when you are calmed down.  It's good to remember how much you care for the person you're with and sometimes several days of trying to solve an issue take the fun out of the relationship, so take a break and remember.

So, thats my dating/relationship advice (taken from those who know more than me)  - Fight well.  I gave some examples, but anyone else have tips on how to fight well?? I'd love to know more!

Dating/Relationship Series #3: It's just a date

This is advice for both guys and gals.

It's just a date....a meal, coffee, maybe a movie or some ice cream with a nice decent member of the opposite sex.  That's all.

Ladies, this isn't a marriage proposal.  Don't plan your name next to his or figure out who your bridesmaids will be. Its just a date. Just give it a date ---He may not be interested in more.  You may not be interested in more. Give both of you the freedom to decide that after an evening (or two together).  He owes you respect and a pleasent evening, not a ring and promise of marriage.

Additionally, don't be so worried about marriage that you don't allow yourself to evaluate the date and see if he is someone you want to see again.  Sometimes girls are so glad a man asked them out and so excited to have some interest that they become more concerned with impressing him so he will stay than they do in seeing if he is the type of man they want to stay with.

Men, this isn't a commitment.  I have seen situations where a man has pined over a certain woman for months, finally get the nerve to ask her out, and then are devestated when she doesn't want more than a date or two.  While you have had a relationship in your head for months and thought the final step to making her "your girl" was to ask her out, this is all news to her. She did not know you wanted to date until you asked her out.  My advice? As soon as you are interested, man up and ask her out.  Don't spend time planning how you two will be perfect together before finally getting the nerve to ask her out. Then you will have HIGH expectations and be dissapointed if it doesn't work out. Also, you will probably have so much riding on this one date that you aren't yourself which certainly won't impress her.

Certainly, be intentional.  Within a couple months of dating, let the marriage topic come up.  Make sure he knows thats what you are looking for.  Men, make sure the lady is looking for marriage too.  This topic has come up in dating situations and I have had it go both ways -- he was looking for marriage in the near future (and was obviously dating me to see if I could be that girl) AND I have had a guy say he wasn't looking for marriage for a few more years.  Both ways, its fair I knew and its fair he knew what I wanted. (sidenote: the man who wasn't looking for marriage yet is a great guy and we are still friendly today. I think this because we both were upfront with eachother and I didn't come in with expectations that dates = marriage).

Dates can be fun. (and I know, sometimes dates get old, you don't want a bunch of casual dates, just the right date -- but the only way to get to the right one is to keep getting out there and meeting new people and dating is one way to do that!)  Enjoy dolling up.  Enjoy a nice meal and good conversation.  Notice the qualities in someone you find attractive and even essential in a mate (your date may not be your soul mate, but you may notice something great about him that you eventually love in your spouse!).  Try to be a good listener and encourager.  Practice flirting. Enjoy being treated like a lady.  Develop conversation skills. Try new places.

He may be the one, and you may know fairly quickly, but give yourself the gift of just being allowed to date, not search for a spouse. You can have a lot of fun and develop a lot of good skills.  Plus, then when you are surprised on a first date and find yourself thinking, "this is different, what if there is something here?", you will know that is a legitimate feeling because you don't think that with every man who buys you a drink.

So, have fun. Just Date.

Dating/Relationship Series #2: "I'm just a girl who can't say NO"

Remember that song? "I'm just a girl who can't say No, I'm in a terrible fix...."

Clearly there are PLENTY of things to say NO to....(for those who can't read between the lines, I mean: premarital sex, dating a nonbeliever, abuse, etc, etc) But, still for the purposes of this post, I thought it was a catchy title.

I have spent the past 10 years of my life dating and what I have learned is: YOU SHOULD RARELY SAY NO TO A DATE OR AN OPPORTUNITY TO MEET PEOPLE.

This doesn't mean you're desperate.  I know, I know - I know what you are thinking: you HATE when married people imply that you should give everyone a chance, not to wait for mr. perfect, etc-- underlying tone: "You aren't getting any younger, dear, time to settle."

and while I disagree on settling as a WHOLE, I do agree settling on parts. OR on ways and means (ie, how you meet him).... And, if you were to start surveying your married friends, those who married young and those who married recently....FEW would say they married their first love or who they first thought they would married. (a few lucky ducks did, but not many!) This doesn't mean they settled, it doesn't mean they aren't with wonderful loving men whom they adore.  It just means they compromised on some nonessentials (and I am sure the men compromised too!) or that along the way, they changed and discovered that what they thought they wanted wasn't what was best for them (I am guilty of this one, thankfully!)

Also, if you were to poll married folks OR even those in relationships, you would learn they met their significant others in a variety of ways....some are classic ways: freshman bio class, church, grew up together....but many people met by attending a random party with a friend, tagging along to a tailgate, online dating or a blind date. 

You will even find several couples who admit that they weren't immediately smitten.  Maybe they were friends for awhie before they noticed a connection OR maybe they had an okay first date and hit it off a couple dates down the line when nerves were calmed and they were relaxed.  Maybe they both went to the same church and after several sundays, one finally caught the other's eye.

So, here is my list of "Never say NOs":

1. Don't say NO to a date

......unless he is a known for being abusive, a druggie, etc.  If he's a little geeky, say yes.  If he is a different denomination, give him a shot. If he isn't as educated as you or as tall as you or whatever your criteria is, give him a fair shot. If he has a past, hear him out....  As girls, we whine about guys not giving us a shot. Give him a shot!

2. Don't say NO to a second date

So the first date wasn't long conversation with the restaurant shutting down and roses and sharing an ice cream cone...he was nervous, you were nervous. Give him a second chance.

Once again, there are a few exceptions- if he makes you uncomfortable during the first date or says something totally against your belief system (IE: I'm a muslim, I sacrifice animals to an earth god, etc) that you know makes you uncompatable.  But, even if its just an awkward first date with slow convo and virtually no attraction, you both owe it to yourselves to give it one more date.  Let him show you who he is - because who he is may not have come off correctly on your first date. Worst case scenerio: your gut was right about him not being the one and you got a free meal.

My aunt told me a story of her friend in college. She went on a date with a guy and did not enjoy it.  Just not a very good first date. She came home and told her roomates that she would not be going on a second date.  A few days later, he called and she answered (due to no caller ID and cell phones back then!) and he asked her out again.  She was caught off guard and couldn't think of an excuse fast enough and said YES. Almost 30 years later, they are still married.  Sure, one can't give a guy several 2nd chances, but giving a dating relationship a few dates could be good.

Also, its good to know that often times when it rains, it pours. My friends and I have noticed that when one many is pursuing, there will often be 2 or 3 at the same time (ha, then months of no suitors). I think that this is due to an openess and confidence that men can sense. If I feel confident because one man has taken me on a few dates, thats when other men notice my confidence and openess. (this is not a prooven theory, just an observation and guess!) So saying yes again may be upping your attractiveness to other men. (sidenote: I once met a man while on a date with another man and several months later, ended up dating guy 2)

3. Don't say NO to other men.

He's taken you on several dates. You like him and think something serious is developing, BUT he has yet to make a commitment. Then keep saying YES to other men. (1) the first man may not make the relationship serious and (2) one of the other men might be a better match for you and since you aren't "taken", you have the freedom to explore that.

One of my biggest dating mistakes ever was 18 months ago. I really liked this guy and had been talking to/dating him for over a month. I had still gone out with another man and had been asked out by another (what did I say, when it rains, it pours!)  Guy #1 found out about the other date and said I told him we had no commitment so I could see others. He told me his intention was to date me seriously and I cancelled the date.  A week or so later, he flipped out about not being ready for a relationship and still healing from his ex.  So I lost him and the shot at something with another guy.  Lesson learned.

4. Don't say NO to opportunities.

My BIGGEST pet peeve is when my single friends whine about not meeting men, THEN they do a girls movie and wine night most weekend nights. OR I invite them to an event where there might be new people and they turn me down because they are tired. An occasional night in is fine and you can't say yes to every opportunity, but I think you should be saying yes to about 75% of opportunities-- for every 1 "girls friday night in", have 3 fun nights out - at a cookout or party or grabbing drinks.  And, sometimes that means toughening up and going out while you are tired.  Moms take care of their children when they are tired. People work late when they are tired. Students study late when they are tired.  Doing something when you are tired won't kill you.

Also, join a few clubs.  or a Bible study.  or a political campaign.. Whatever cranks your tractor, do it...and while doing it, you may meet someone new-- or new people that introduce you to someone new.

5. Don't say NO to means.

Always thought you would meet the man of your dreams at church? That may not happen. I have friends who are opposed to blind dates, online dating, dating someone a little younger, long distance dating, etc etc.  I don't get this opposition, particularly with blind dates: "I've been on bad blind dates."  True, but you have also been on bad dates, but you haven't quit dating. Worst thing that will happen is that you have a bad evening.  Plus you aren't looking at the possibility that the blind date is great. Same with online dating or going on a date with a man from a different city. It may not work out, it may be too hard...or it may be great.  Life is risky, so is dating....and most people don't get the "married my high school sweetheart" story. So what? go on the blind date, let the guy at the bar buy you a drink. See what happens.

6. Don't say NO to new friends.

I can be bad about this one. I LOVE my friends. and what I originally loved about us is that we were so open to new people, so welcoming..at first. Then we got into our little groove.  I had to reevaluate and start reaching out again (thats a totally different blogpost topic ha: how to have close friends but not be "cliquy")

Make new friends. Why? for many reasons- new perspectives, to be inclusive, because you enjoy new people...but one reason is new friends expand your circles (and you expand theirs!) -- maybe they introduce you to their single male friend- or you introduce them to yours!  Certainly dont make friends simply to meet men, but it is one of the many benefits

7. Don't say NO to a certain type.

This is kindof a duplicate.  But I want to emphasize this.  Currently I am dating a country boy. My normal type of guy is preppy.  And I love the change of pace.  Don't be so set on a guy being preppy or artsy or dressing a certain way.

8. Don't say NO because he has a past

Don't be so set that he never drank, had sex, tried drugs or smoked or went through life perfectly.  I see this a lot.  Great Christian girls passing on great Christian guys because those same men weren't always great Christian guys (or vice versa).  People change.  Don't date a nonmotivated wild child, but don't discount someone who has a past and the Lord has now gotten ahold of. We all have pasts. I am so glad that there are guys who won't pass on me for having been a arrogant self righteous B**** most of my teen/college years. I have dated both the "perfect church boys" and the wild boys gone good...and the ones that had the most grace and wisdom were the wild boys gone good.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't address the past or work through some issues and concerns....BUT Look at who he is now and who the Lord is making him to be. That's far more important than the past.


SIDENOTE: I know I promised a post from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus on women and their emotional ups and downs but I am still reading! SOON I promise!

Relationship Series: #1 The Rubber Band Theory

A year ago, my goal for this blog was an HONEST look at the single life-- good, bad, and ugly. Dating stories, encouragement, etc.  And I realize that now that I am dating someone seriously (and  calm down people, by seriously, I mean together for more than a couple months, I don't mean eloping next month...), I have not posted as much about dating, etc.  Part of this is because I don't want to be too vulnerable with private stuff.  If we have a fight, I do not want to vent that publically. If we have a sweet moment, thats still not something I want to share publically -- not because I suddenly can't relate to singles, but because these stories and moments are not just mine to share. (we have all read those blogs with OVERSHARE...recently my roomates and I stumbled across a blog of a friend of a friend who would tell us very personal moments in detail! Fine to go home and gush about that to your friends, but we could read it too and we didn't even really know her!)

But, I should share more- about what I am learning, dating, etc.  I LOVE when I read someone else's blog and they provide dating and relationship tips and stories.  So I am going to do a short dating series.

First Topic: THE RUBBER BAND THEORY

Am I the last one to hear about this? I have recently discovered this theory and love it.  NOT Love it because I think its great (because I actually think it sucks) but LOVE it because its true (and now I don't feel crazy for noticing this in my own relationship)

It was first discussed in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus which is possibly why I haven't heard of this dating theory yet.  Afterall, I was in elementary school in the early 90s when this came out...not so much dating then. (small confession: after reading about this theory in an article, I ordered this book to my kindle. Possibly pathetic that I love self help books, BUT anything that explains something I do not understand is great!)

The concept: Men are like rubber bands.  They need some pull to bounce back.  If they feel too much slack in the band, they will never bounce back to you. Therefore, they operate best if there is a little tension/distance sometimes.

The concept explained: Men have intimacy cycles. They need a lot of intimacy, then they feel scared and need "me" time and pull away.  Then they feel they need intimacy again and come back, then they get their feel of it and need "me" time again and pull away.  This is natural and it has nothing to do with the woman.  Although, admit it. Every woman has felt a man pull away from them and has felt that she must have done something wrong.

Emotions (actually feelings of closeness) trigger this pulling away-- so its quite the opposite of "he doesn't like me!"  When a couple has a good conversation or breaks a new plateau in their relationship, the woman feels closer and probably feels a need to be closer emotionally and physically (not sexually, just physically - as in time spent together)  The man enjoys that intimacy and then feels a little fearful and needs to pull away and have time for himself.  The problem is that right when men are pulling away is when women are pushing close.

Women freak out when this "pulling" happens and do one of two things:
    1. push -- which puts slack in the band. He pulls away, making the tension tight and you push in close, releasing that tension
    2. punish -- she may give him his space but punish him for it which makes him resent her OR causes him not to take it (which would be detrimental to the relationship sense men operate on this cycle)

The proper response is to pull away yourself AND be welcoming when he comes back.  IE, allow no slack in the band. He is pulling, you are pulling, eventually he bounces back. (rubber band pulled tightly eventually bounces back)  If he never feels any tightness in that band (only slack), he won't bounce back.  Don't pull away in a mean way, or a punishing way, still keep contact and be affirming and kind, but give him the space he needs.

WHY I don't like this theory: it seems like game playing and it seems manipulative -- somewhat on the part of men (although i think they don't often realize that they are doing it) but definitely on the part of women (calculating to give space to get the result they want)   HOWEVER -- to be fair, in this theory, women don't play games to begin with, they just respond with one.  And, truthfully, they are giving the man what he wants but hasn't asked for.

Why I like this theory: it's truthful and practical.  EVERYONE needs space.  The difference is woman need space when they feel angry or hurt or upset.  Apparently, men often need space when they are overwhelmed by feelings - which isn't always a bad thing.  The problem is that men don't just say, " hey, can I have a weekend away?" or "I need a day or two to process things." They just dissapear and women are left confused at how the night before he was opening up and then he seems to be pulling away.

I have felt this in my own relationship some.  The first time or two, I was really confused. I thought things were ending because he seemed to pull away quickly. (and obviously sometimes pulling away means a loss of feelings) but a few days later, he would be more attentive and affectionate than normal.  So, now I expect it.

MY TIPS (NOT THE AUTHOR'S) FOR DEALING WITH THE RUBBER BAND THEORY:

1. a little of this is okay, but a lot is not good.  If the man you are dating is putting you on an extreme roller coaster, then there might be more serious issues than a male freakout. Its one thing to learn to deal with the opposite sex, its another thing entirely to be used or mistreated.
2. Realize that its normal and has nothing to do with you.
3. Realize that it is good for your relationship.  People need some time away. You need some time away (although you're a woman so you probably just ask for it)  Men need alone time to process and bounce back....if you never give them that alone time, how can they bounce back and pursue.
4. At a certain point, I think its fine to discuss this with men.  My BF pulled away for a couple days once, I gave him his space.  A couple days later, he realized he had hardly talked to me for a couple days and wanted to know if I was mad at him because I hadn't been calling/texting. I told him that of course I wasn't mad, I had just sensed by his pulling away that he needed some space so I was trying to give it to him.  This started a conversation when he confessed he did not realize he had pulled away but admitted that the space had been good.  We talked about both being able to take space, but maybe being upfront about it-- therefore, the other person doesn't feel dropped.  I think women feel most hurt that men go from being "all in" to "pulling away" without a warning. Its not the space, but the way he goes after his space that annoys the woman.  A simple, "I am going to be gone all day fishing with the boys, but I will call you tomorrow" will suffice. In my case, this talk helped..he has done a lot better with telling me he is going to be out of touch.
5. Lead by example.  We all need space, its just women rarely just dissapear on a man.  I take space all the time, I just clarify it: "I am going on a girls weekend, so if you don't hear from me much, its because I am out of town with them. I will call when I get back."  As I said above, what hurts most women is that pulling away happens without warning and abruptly - so my guess is that as you do things correctly, your man might catch on.
6. Have reconnect time after he finishes his "pull away" stage.  Once you get to a point in dating/relationship/marriage where you have discussed the rubber band theory, you can be supportive of his need to pull away, but ask that he be supportive of reconnecting when he has had his space. For women, things don't shift so quickly. I have noticed that I have a hard time shifting into the pull away stage and shifting out of it...I get used to having the space, I guess!!

Also, I think this theory tones down the longer you are together.  Clearly, the more you trust eachother, the less a man feels a need to pull away when feelings grow stronger.  Also, the more free he will probably feel to just ask for time away. So, the comfort is that this theory isn't as extreme forever.  The author gave examples of pushing/pulling in marriages, but I think that it is probably most profound during that first year of dating (just my guess!)

understanding this theory helped me not freak out. I think knowing that men's greatest fear in relationships is often the loss of independence helps women understand that men need space...and relax when they take it.  Also, I think that men understanding they need this space helps them to be more understanding to their girlfriends/wives and make it clear they need some "me" time rather than just pulling away.  (sidenote: I am sure that in marriage, one cannot just take me time as easilly as before, particularly when there are kids involved) but scheduleing some when possible might be good!)

I think I previously would've just called this game playing, but because there is a cycle, I think its less playing hard to get, and more just about how men process things.

And girls, don't think only the men have their weird tendencies... next relationship post will be about women and their CRAZY emotions.

SO, THOUGHTS LADIES? Anyone else experience this or know about this theory? Or was it as NEW to you as it was to me?  Any other tips?