Soulmates? or Not?

I fully believe that there is No such thing as a Soulmate.

Believing in a soulmate sets you up for dissapointment.  You will be shocked if your boyfriend or spouse lets you down. You will be so confused if he hurts you.

Soulmates are impossible.  We are all sinners and sinners hurt eachother and fail and sometimes screw up.

Believing in a soulmate increases your chances of discontentment and possibly divorce. When someone doesn't please you enough anymore, it would be easy to assume that this is not your soulmate, that you made a mistake, that you need to end things and keep looking.  Likewise, if dating, a belief in a soulmate could keep you from ever settling down.

I'm marrying a great guy who loves Jesus and loves me well.  He is not my soulmate.  He can't complete me, nor can I complete him.  Sometimes he drives me crazy and goodness knows, I annoy him. We are opposites in many ways. (My roomate, her fiance and the two of us talked about that just last night -- how funny it is that both couples were opposites)  But you know what? Although we don't see eye to eye on everything and always complete eachothers sentences and walk on clouds and rainbows all day, our differences really challenge and improve eachother.

"The good news, however, is that in marriage God gives us someone far better than a soulmate. He gives us the person who is exactly right for us. He gives us the husband or wife who will help us become more like Jesus Christ. Sometimes that’s a painful process for both spouses. It doesn’t feel “soulmate-ish”....It’s hard and it requires work. But as we seek to serve each other, the end result is that we both love God more and we both love each other more."


Ouch. That doesn't sound fun, but it also sounds exactly like what I need.  At the same time, it sounds great....that someone will literally be used by God to help make me a better person, painful as that process may be.

For the record, I think God uses friends, roomates and family in this process too.  Being a tool in God's sanctification of another person is  not limited to marriage, but marriage (and possibly parents and children) are probably some of the most intimate ways this process works. 

And although I am very glad the man I ended up with was Dave, he is not my soulmate. So its good that we don't find soulmates, but instead are able to be with someone who is right for us, in both good and difficult ways.

Going to the Chapel.....

.......and I'm gonna get married!!!

Last Night Dave proposed! We had a wonderful evening celebrating with family and friends and a few moments to celebrate alone too :) I will share all the details later, but wanted to do a small update sharing the news.  I am so so blessed and I can't wait to spend my life with this man!

ENGAGED.....

THE BLING.....

SWEET FRIENDS....

REJOICING WITH MY SWEET SISTERS....

(who by the way, helped pick out the ring!)

The Forgotten Element of Romance

Read this article on the forgotten element of romance (and no, its not chocolate, diamonds or flowers, though boys, those are fun things!)  The best part of romance is the friendship. 

People spend so much time looking for a soulmate -- someone we share deep intense conversations with, someone we are intensely attracted too, someone, someone who fixes life and takes away loneliness. And although this isn't the purpose of love, I think many of these elements are found in relationships, particularly marriage.

But, what marriage is mostly, is a strong friendship, the strongest you can have...someone who makes you laugh and who you care enough about to spend the afternoon doing nothing together. Someone you are there for, through thick and thin.  Someone who you like and respect and enjoy -- not all the time, but most of the time.  

Marriage is just as much about a deep friendship and companionship as it is about sex, attraction, intimacy.  Most of life is spent, well, living...not discussing, being physical, or staring into eachother's eyes.

As the author states...."That’s the kind of relationship I want to have when I get married—the kind where the simple act of enjoying each other’s company, of laughing together, is enough to tell the world that we belong to one another."

What I am Reading Wednesday

1. God is not who I thought He Was (Jon Acuff) -- Thank goodness He isn't who I thought he was, because sometimes my view of Him have been lacking.  I could really relate to this concept of "unlearning God"  We have preconceived incorrect notions about a lot of things in life, including our Savior.

2.Another Jon Acuff article on grace, forgiveness, not needing to be perfect, etc. "I know in my head that, when you give us grace, you are not finishing the process of forgiveness, you are beginning it."


3. I am dating a boy that loves to tell me (a very black and white thinker) to think outside the box which is why I enjoyed this article about holding on to God's words, expecting Him to do marvelous things and seeing God outside our limited box view.
4. WORST MARRIAGE PROPOSAL EVER.   seriously, folks, if this happened to me, I'd say NO, try again.  Not because I am mean, but because this was cruel.

5. I loved this article encouraging men to deal with the fears of rejection and man up.  Women risk rejection in different ways than men so all have to be willing to take a risk.


6. Ever questioned if God really has your best interest at heart? I suppose if you have been hurt or waited for anything in life, then you probably have. THIS ARTICLE was one of the most encouraging articles I have read in weeks, not because it provided answers, but because it summed up what many of us have felt before.

7. Delaying sex improves marriage?  SURPRISE SURPRISE.  Granted, this statistically speaking, not specific to everyone. But, on the whole, delaying sex imrovees communication, sexual quality, relationship satisfaction and stability.  It's nice when obediance has benefits

8. This is a good article on a trend I have seen lately: making families and marriage an idol.  This article talks about making God's gifts into gods.You see this in small "noble" ways like obsession with a certain type of schooling, birthing, parenting style in which you believe you are superior if you do those things (not attacking a certain type of parenting style) and you also see this in pettier areas such as exclusive young mom groups at churches. AND I think this notion of making God's gifts into gods applies to lots of things: career, enjoying your single days, obsession with marriage or boyfriends, college football (gulp), friends, etc.

Her Dear Bridegroom's Face, Take 2

Ironically enough, right after I published this post yesterday on Weddings, God's Provision, and the Gospel, I clicked on another blog to read this post. I encourage you to check this article out as well. Here's a bit of what the author had to say:

"As I walked toward my future husband, everything faded besides what was ahead of us. The past didn't matter, old qualms disappeared. The only thing that existed between our locked eyes was love, forgiveness, peace and this exuberant excitement for the future like I have never experienced. Although this moment was beautiful, it passed. We have been married a month, and some days there is more between our locked eyes — frustration, anger and that look of "you seriously thought those dishes go there?" We are human, incapable of perfection. We will strive every single day, but those moments will always come and go.

Yet Christ, who is perfect, will always welcome us into His arms, resentment-, anger- and frustration-free. That walk toward Steve on our wedding day will now always carry a reminder of 1) God's sweet grace that allowed that moment and 2) God's love that begs me to walk toward Him in that way each and every day, abandoning the past and running toward a future with Him.

Think you have slipped too far out of Christ's reach? Think again. The Redeemer of the universe is begging you to enter into a marriage with Him. He welcomes you with fervor, that of a groom welcoming his bride. Although we are completely undeserving, He desires us, pursues us and has great plans for our life with Him. Just ask Him.

Not married but want to be? Envision that moment. Squint your eyes, try to see him/her, and spend some time in prayer for that person you cannot yet see. Pray for him/her. Pray he/she is making wise choices and pray that God can keep your hearts, minds and bodies pure until you meet.

Not married and feel like you have made mistakes too great to enter into a blessed union? You have never traveled too far out of the reach of God's grace. You can never back away into a corner dark enough where God's light cannot shine. He is there; He is waiting and desiring your return. Pray for redemption, purity and peace. God restores. Also pray for your future spouse that he/she may know God's grace. No relationship begins in perfection, but God can redeem, purify and make beautiful out of what we have ruined."


I'm such a goober, but as I said yesterday. I love when weddings point us to Christ.  Ceremonies and Sacraments and all things formal and official are supposed to serve as a reminder of the great story of the gospel.

Her dear Bridegroom's face

I don't know this girl....but I know her story. I know her aunt (who posts her niece's blog updates on facebook so I started to follow Ashley's blog).  This girl is about my age - facing the same struggles we all do - singleness, dating, work, figuring out adulthood, only she did it with MS, in a wheelchair for a large portion of her 20s.  I follow her blog because she is real and honest about her struggles and doesn't sugarcoat them...but at the same time, her eyes seem to be on Christ.  Like everyone else, I have struggles sometimes but seeing someone who is going through more choose to focus on Christ is always an encouragement for me to put my eyes on Christ as well.

Read the article I mentioned above. The author details how the Bride rolling down the aisle in her wheelchair to her eager waiting groom illustrated the gospel message. You will be encouraged and you will be even more excited about a God who can redeem bad circumstances....

"What a captivating picture of Christ’s love. I look at these 2 beautiful young people and all they have been through to get to this day: the diagnoses, the doctors visits, the medications, the tears, the aching parents, family, and friends who want healing, the frustration, the questions, the asking and begging of God as to why…and then this…this beautiful, Christ-centered moment where it all makes a little more sense and becomes a little clearer. God was preparing them for this day, for this moment, for each other so that they can bask in the love and commitment they have for one another for the rest of their lives. Nothing could be more symbolic of us, the Church, the Bride of Christ."


and a God who Loves us eternally as His Bride....despite our brokeness:

"This young couple was such a picture of that to me.  I am the bride in the wheelchair who is beaming and can’t wait to finally be by the side of my groom, Jesus, forever.  And Jesus is that groom, like Justin, who looks and waits expectantly for me to join Him.  When it is all culminated there will be no judgment on my brokenness and sin…Jesus won’t even expect me to get out of my wheelchair…He will just pull up a chair and sit down beside me and welcome me home (just like Justin did to his sweet Ashley at this ceremony)."

I love how the article describes a Savior who loves us and provides both here and eternally (of often we only look at one element of His provision: a God who gives good things or a God who provides us with an eternity with Him, but He does both!)
This article reminds me of one of my favorite verses in a hymn (from "The Sands of Time are Sinking):

The bride eyes not her garment,
But her dear Bridegroom’s face;
I will not gaze at glory
But on my King of grace.
Not at the crown He giveth
But on His pierced hand;
The Lamb is all the glory
Of Emmanuels land.

My absolute favorite part of weddings is the picture of the gospel that is painted for all in attendance.  I love how the above referenced article illustrated that.  I know how it feels to be sitting through yet another wedding, feeling like I can't relate to marriage and love and blessings. I've done it far too many times.  But, every single person sitting at a wedding can benefit from the gospel message illustrated: We have a Bridegroom who adores us in our brokeness and we will be reunited with Him one day!!

So, for those of you who are waiting for the right man/woman, be encouraged, the Lord works in tough circumstances...even when things seem unlikely or to be working against you, He can provide just as He did for this girl.  More importantly, for those who feel too broken with sin to walk down the wedding aisle to your Bridegroom, Know that He loves you even in that brokeness and cannot wait to have you by His side forever.

What I am reading Wednesday (May 2, 2012)

Here is what I am reading this week....

1. Silenty Single  -- love love love this blog post. My goal was to have a honest blog on singleness, and although some days I am honest, some days, I think I feel far to embaressed to share -- both the good and the bad.  Too embaressed to share the lonely days and too embaressed to talk about how excited I am over a date or a new outfit or an uplifting comment from someone (want to make a single girls' day?? make a reference about her future....one day, when you get married, you should have this band play..... one day, I bet your kids are super chubby because you love to bake....where do you think you'll send your kids to school? SOUNDS SO SILLY, but hearing the word when instead of if is so uplifting!!  in fact, its best to use the word WHEN not IF when you talk to someone looking for a job or waiting for a baby) Anyways, back on subject, this was honest about the thing singles feel the most: have we been forgotten? (the author discusses God not forgetting her, but truth is, I think singles fear other people forget them as well!)  I may have to do an entire blog post on this blog post)

2. Is there love after marriage?  and the follow up blog post: Marriage and a New Kind of Love 

3. For my like 3 male readers, here is a great article by Kevin DeYoung at the Gospel Coalition about ways to love his wife.  It's true, and funny. 

4. BTW, did anyone else catch that CBS has already listed bowl predictions for 2013?? it's coming...

5. Dentist pulls out her ex bf's teeth after they split.  a) we all have atleast one ex we would LOVE to do this to, although I hope we would all never do this! and b) he kindof deserved this (no, not really) -- how dumb can you be to go get your toothache checked out by the girl you just dumped? (especially when he already had a new gf as the article stated)  You have to know there are bad feelngs silly boy.

What I am reading Wednesday (er, Thursday...)

Here is a little bit of what I am reading lately....

Here is the downside of living together before marriage from the NY Times.  I know a lot of people will disagree with me for my views on living together before marriage, but I believe that it is wrong biblically, but even from a secular perspective, I think it puts you in a holding pattern.  IE, Joe and Sally are dating and have dated long enough to see some flaws but not all flaws. But they have seen enough to know that they want to get married and work through whatever conflict/flaws/disagreements they discover in marriage....so when they get married and she is moody or they disagree on how they want to raise their kids, etc, there is more commitment and more reason to get married.  If they do a "trial run", its like an unending tryout for marriage...they learn some of those flaws and disagreements early-- he's grumpy in the mornings, she's a slob....they keep waiting (because after all they are getting many of the financial, emotional and sexual benefits of marriage so no motivation to actually get married) until all disagreements are solved...the only catch is once issue is dealt with, another one comes up....so they never get married, or they do after years.

What have men you dated done right in relationships?  and wrong?

I hope next year is a good one for Auburn (on a side note, the Dyer stuff is upsetting me, shows how quickly all of us can go from the top to trouble by a few bad decisions.  Although he is no longer at Auburn, and thats a good decision by the coach, I do hope for his sake that he gets his life back together)

There is this blog I follow and the couple is adopting from ethiopia (not an adoption blog, but it discusses adoption a lot lately since they are in the process...) I have been touched by reading their story. I am happy to report they just picked up their daughter. I encourage you to check out her blog and pray for safe journeys for this family and a smooth transition.


Here is an article from the economist entitled The Waiting Game  - about chasity before marriage.

I thought this article on spouses not witholding affection was great.  I had never seen it this way.  Surely we have all heard about how they should not withold sex-- his body is hers, her body is his, but this author points to 1 Cor 7:3 which states each should render to the other the affection due.  Witholding affection via the silent treatment, refusing to touch and be kind, etc is wrong too.  Not that spouses are never mad at eachother, but I guess the proper way to deal with it is talk about it, not manipulatively punish them into realizing what he or she did wrong.

What I am reading Wednesday

I know I am not married, but I am not immnune to being part of an affair (or having an affair when married). I think this is an excellent article about how affairs begin.  It's always the small things right??

This article hit the nail on the head about lies singles believe (and whats even sadder is these are lies we are often taught by the church and other Christians!!) My personal favorite  - when you are ready or mature enough, you will get married.  As if people who get married younger are a lot more mature.. Some are mature, some got pregnant and had to get married, some couldn't wait sexually, some were settling, some were in love and knew that they would grow up together-- all the same reasons people in their late 20s get married!! I once had a girl tell me the reason I was not married but my sister was must be because I am way less mature than her. Ok, whatever. My sister is plenty mature so that may be true, it may not, we may bothe be immature for all I know, but she didn't earn marriage by achieving a certain level of maturity, no more than I will have earned it when I get there.

Here is a good one on Tim Tebow.  Same truth applies to us: we may not know what our future holds, but we know who holds our future.

Making it Work

I was at the lingerie shower/girls weekend of a dear college friend this weekend. She is a pharmicist (with a pharmacist schedule which gives her several days off every 2 weeks but also requires she works long days and work every other weekend) and her soon to be hubby is a resident (so his schedule changes monthly and he has months with virtually no days off, months where he works nights, months where he is on call alot, etc.) Additionally, they both had some family issues during their 2 year courtship and engagement.

They started a relationship in not so great circumstances.  Its not like they were already in love and then the busy, different schedules, she works all day, he works all night started happening. It happened from the get go. No honeymoon phase. They had to work from day one just to get to know eachother.

We were talking about their upcoming wedding and how they met (through her brother in law and sister) and I said, "What I want to know is how y'all ever got to the point of marriage considering you have had different schedules since the beginning!"

And what she said is so true...it was something along the lines of, "we just decided to make it work."

Isn't that so true? when you know that the other person is right, you will work through a lot of bad stuff to make it work.  I know for a fact that they would often meet for breakfast after his night shift and before her afternoon shift. They made it work. And ironically enough, now that they can finally live together (well, after April 14th.....), they will finally see MORE of eachother than before.  Even if its just a few hours between different shifts, they can see eachother a lot more.  All that work has paid off --- and will pay off even more when he finishes residency.

It made me think of relationships I had that didn't work. Sometimes it was because one or the other of us did not want to make it work.  Thats not always a bad thing. I know of one guy in particular who I am still friends with but neither of us was willing to compromise on what we wanted which may have been partly because we were stubburn, but it was in large part because we weren't right for eachother.  Why work so hard for something that wasn't meant to be longterm?

It's kindof a measuring stick.... when the circumstances are hard, am I willing to work hard to make it work? If I am not, then it might be because this is not the right guy.  Because when the guy has been the type of guy for me, I have worked.  I'm sure that the difficulty in arranging time together made my friend and her then boyfriend realize really quickly how serious they were about eachother.

And, you know what?? Deciding to do what it takes to make it work because you love someone is good practice for the future...because marriage is guaranteed to be difficult.  However, these two have already laid a foundation of doing what it takes to make it work and making it through difficult circumstances together.

So, yes, their story did not begin as a fairy tale per se....unless you've read a fairy tale that involves two people pulling out their calenders to schedule time together.  There was no meeting, falling in love and then spending every blissful waking minute together....But this story will have several chapters, the kinds with ups and downs, and two characters who face life's problems together -- a much better read than a cheesy fairy tale :) The kind of book you can't put down.

And for all those boys that either I couldn't make it work with or they couldn't make it worth with me, even for all the pain, that's good. Because I want someone who works as hard to make it work as these two did.  Totally worth the wait (I am pretty certain she would say he was worth the wait too !!)

Behaving in love

Check out this article on behaving in love v. being in love.

I am not married (thus the reason for my single lady blog...) but I found this article encouraging. One of the greatest problems in relationships (and I think one of the biggest fears of my generation in getting into relationships) is that people think you have to feel "in love" all the time.  Sometimes you don't and you have to work at it. Sometimes you act in love when you don't feel that way, and sometimes you act that way and then the feelings follow.

Love is feelings and actions...and sometimes not all together.  (and sometimes all together) But the point is, when you say those vows, you are preparing for those days...for better or worse-- ie, some days you will annoy me or I'll be angry or you will be insensitive or we will go through a hard time and have to work hard at being close...FOR BETTER OR WORSE. behaving in love.

It seems society is lacking this level of commitment in all relationships-- friendships, family, etc  but most importantly in marriage.  Anyways, I don't have any wise words to add, just that I agree with this article and wanted to pass it along!!

what i am reading wednesday

Love and Marriage: Luther Style: an interesting article about Luther and his wife, their commitment, then their growing romance

Blessed are those who get more: suffering that is.

CS Lewis on the dangers of love

Get out of your comfort zone.

A letter to singles on valentines day....

What I am reading Wednesday

I was out of town this weekend and am trying hard to catch up on life, I have started a fun post my sister tagged me for: answering a bunch of questions but I am not done yet....but here is more of what I am reading this week.

I love Auburn and how it values people, not just winning. This is a great story about player, Shon Coleman's battle with cancer and Auburn's support.

how do you know if your ready to marry?

Why we need God to fence us in.

Making our goal the glory of God.

 Ok, so I don't have many more articles to post this week. I'll hopefully have some good ones next wednesday ;)

What I'm reading Wednesday

I've been a horrible blogger, I am sorry. Life has just been busy...good busy, but busy just the same. I have taken some time to read good articles though and wanted to share them with you.... enjoy :)


I needed to read this article. I always thing why didn't God stop bad things, but truth is He is stopping bad things and when I get hurt or others get hurt, I should think about all that He did PREVENT from happening.

I'm not a mom....yet, but when I am, this is how I want to raise my babies.

I always love what Jon Acuff has to say on serious Wednesday at Stuff Christians Like website.

Redefining Hope -- hope in, not hope for.

God works in different ways to bring people together...sometimes we forget that.

Should I stay or should I go? This article had to do with a dating relationship, but it made me think about all decisions in life-- how sometimes there is not a right or wrong answer, just the freedom to choose and make that choice best. (Wouldn't it be easier if every decision was right or wrong?)

National Signing Day.  Here's hoping for a good class. War Eagle.

Must Love Jesus

I rarely buy into these "articles" attacking why our generation is still single.  I did at first, but the older I have gotten, I have found that although some points are good, they generalize, attack, and make it sound like "silly kids, if you got your act together and fixed all these flaws, you'd be married. It is your fault."  Sometimes people fit into the theories these articles portray, sometimes they don't.

All that introduction to say, take these articles with a grain of salt....I think its a problem of lot of singles face, I think its a problem many marrieds have too -- expecting marriage and a spouse to fit a list of criteria that shouldn't have been placed.  However, I know many men and women probably don't fall into this category. I, just happen to be a girl that sometimes does.

My unwritten list is certainly a lot shorter than when I was in college, but the truth is, maybe it should ONLY say: 1. Must Love Jesus

Also, its good to realize that we may not marry the "right" person.

I have had friends emailing this article to me today, I have seen people talking about this subject on facebook and blogs, It seems to be the HOT topic......All this hype is over Keller's new book on marriage (written with his wife).  My friend Nikki talks about it on her blog, and mentions another article on the book.

I don't read a lot of stuff on marriage other than the occasional article or chapter in a book. I know some people take the approach of reading about marriage or parenting or career (or whatever their next step might be) way ahead of time. That's honorable and I fully support it! But, I take the approach that I want to spend a whole lot more time reading about ways to live my life to God's glory now...so the occasional marriage book is fine, but my focus is usually on how can I glorify God now, at 27, single, living in the city (I use that term loosely), working as a lawyer?? Marriage books usually don't spend a lot of time telling me how to be a godly woman now.

 However, I plan on reading this book...why? Why this one and not the others? (1) because its by Tim Keller who I generally really agree with what he has to say because its biblical but practical.  He doesn't approach the world with Christian Blinders on, so I doubt he approaches marriage in any different way and (2) because I think some of the things he emphasizes about our generation(s) - married and single-- is true and can affect you whether already married or dating...

If I can strive to treat men less like a checklist and more as someone I am getting to know who also loves Jesus, then dating can be done in a more Christlike fashion, even if we don't end up together.  I hear that crazy talk all the time -- even from Christians, especially from Christians -- about someone who will fulfill you, will be so compatible, that God made just for you (as if God is making someone to bring me glory and satisfaction, its more like He is blessing me with someone though I don't deserve it) and I don't buy it....I think that there will be some basic attraction and similarities that may draw you to one Jesus-loving male over another Jesus-loving male, but truth is, the basis for marriage is a common faith in the same Lord....so many different men could be "right"

Also, friends who are getting married in the next year or so, if I like this book, you may receive it as a wedding gift. Fair Warning.

Day 3-Your first love

I don't really want to tackle this topic, but I'm forging through. My first love broke my heart, but truth is, most people's first loves break their hearts or vice versa right? Because most of us don't marry the first man or woman we cared for...

So, I don't want to claim to have the upper hand on pain and losing a love. But, I will claim my loss was different than most people's... most people dont lose their first love and their fiance all at once. They don't mourn a broken heart and a broken engagement. But, I did. And God had plans for that in my life, plans to use it to grow me, to strengthen me, and to prepare me for His purposes... I am not glad I went through this, but I am glad I have a Father who got me through it and who redeemed (redeems) it.

So, how do I talk about my first love? How about I just mention the good? Because there were definitely some good qualities I loved and would look for again: intelligent, educated, similar interests, christian, moderate, loves the south, goal oriented.


Also, there were all the fun things about the first love and what was even more fun for us is that we were eachother's first love...so first kisses, first "i love you's", first important discussions were all new to both of us. That part was very fun!


However, the most important part...


What I learned from my First Love is that I already had a First Love that would never leave me.


Do I live my life this way? Not Always, in fact, most of the time, No. But the truth remains, I was loved long before my ex-fiance loved me and I was loved in the moments it ended and even now. I was loved through months of screaming and crying and doubting. I'm loved every day, the days I am dating someone, the days I am not. And if I never fall in love again, I will still have been loved far more than anyone else could love me and infinitely more than I deserve.


Sometimes I would put my earthly "first love" ahead of the Lord, sometimes I will put the next love above the Lord, sometimes I put my friends first and I know there will be sometimes I put my children first. But even when I fail to love the Lord as I should, he does not fail to love me the way I shouldn't be loved. As painful as my engagement ending was, I realize that I have abandoned my Lord time and time again. I have done what my ex did to me, and I do it continuously.

And although I would never repeat my first love or the hard lessons it taught me, I know that in some ways, being pointed back to my REAL FIRST LOVE is the biggest blessing a relationship could have given me.



Hosea 2:19


And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.

Yet another article to read

Why we need single and married friends. A very good article

What guys should be looking for....

I thought this was an encouraging article. So many times we read Christian articles that make women sound like they have to be weak in order to be good Christian wives...personally, I always felt that if I were picking a helpmate, I would want to pick a smart wise strong woman....apparently, thats what guys should be looking for.