Contentment in Singleness #3: Thankfulness

Yesterday I referred to Phil 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  I then focused on the verse's command to pray and bring requests before Him.

Today I will focus on the other good truth found in that verse: Thankfulness.

Thankfully focusing on the God's blessings helps us be content by reminding us of God's faithfulness and goodness in our life, focusing our attention on Him, and giving us hope that God will continue to be faithful and sustain us.
Most of us have dissapointments and many of us may be facing horrible trials.  But, most of our lives have some good in it...supportive family, loving friends, a job, food, happy moments, good health, and at the very least, a loving Savior (which is actually more than we ever deserved).

During times of trial, we should focus on the good -- not in a way that denies our pain, but in a way that admits that our life is not all pain. You know how men are good at compartmentalizing? Thats how I think we should all be when we are discontent with our circumstances.  Yes, I may be upset with this circumstances (singleness, childlessness, health problems, friend issues, whatever the situation may be) BUT in these other areas, I am so blessed.

The Lord deserves gratitude and praise for His good gifts.  Even in trials, we should praise Him.  However, the benefits are usually ours -- we begin to remember His goodness and faithfulness.  We also begin to see the rough circumstances through more encouraged eyes.  Instead of seeing all of life through our negative circumstances, we see life through our good circumstances.  We also have a renewed belief that God will be faithful and good to us in the future.

With regards to singleness (or whatever your area of discontenment may be), life will always hurt and be hard if that prayer is never answered, but it will be so much sadder if you never see the other blessings.

Thankfulness in pain teaches us that we can be thankful and content while many areas of life may still be lacking.

So, count your blessings today and every day this week.  No husband, no child, lackluster job? Ok thats one tough thing, but I bet you can list 5 good things.

Additionally, as a single, I try to be thankful for things that likely won't last.  Once I have a husband and family, there will be less girls trips and no roomate wine nights.  If I am not thankful now, I will miss the chance to fully enjoy these blessings.  It is possible to want a circumstance to change but still enjoy the silver lining :) Thankfulness allows us to do that - compartmentalize the good aspects from the bad...but luckilly for us, as we grow in thankfulness, it can't help but spilling over in all areas.

Contentment in Singleness #2: Prayer

My first post in this series discuessed a willingness to look at contentment in a new light.   We must realize (in all circumtances of life) that being content does not mean being happy with our circumstances.  Being content requires peace and satisfaction (dictionary definition is a state of satisfaction) despite our circumstances.  If we silently pretent to always be okay and tell people what they want to hear (IE, never admit struggle for fear they will judge us for "not trusting"), then we may appear okay, but will grow feelings of dissapointment, hurt, regret and bitterness.  Instead we should honestly tell the Lord we are struggling (and even others, for our testimonies will bring Him more glory if people know we choose to follow despite our circumstances and struggles).  Anyway, small recap but you can read that post here.

I think that the next step towards contentment (after admitting our circumstances are rough) is prayer.

Phil 4: 11 tells us to be content in all circumstances which is quite a hard demand.  Luckilly, Paul gives some practical advice in an earlier verse, Phil 4:6,  when he tells them:  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

(That verse is packed with two good tips, so any guesses what my next post will be on??)

I tend to be a very anxious person.  Anxiety seems to be the opposite of contentment.  One way I combat that is to follow this verse's command.  When I start to worry too much about anything, I take my worry-filled monologues and turn them into prayers, laying my fears, needs, shortcomings and REQUESTS at the feet of the Savior.

Pray, pray constantly, pray without ceasing.  This tends to be tough in very reformed staunch presbyterian circles.  We think that if we choose to believe God is soverign (as we know He is), then we must silently take our painful circumstances and pray we are wise enough to accept and learn from them.  We believe prayer is merely something we do because God commands us to do it.  Instead we should pray with believe that God can change our circumstances, that He can use our prayers to accomplish His will.  Our prayers don't change circumstances, He does, but He choses to do so in various ways, prayer included..

 I don't pretend to know how God's forknowledge and plans on our lives work together with our prayers, but I know prayers are used to change our heart and our circumstances.  I think that many singles (and many people in rough circumstances in general) are scared to ask because they are scared God does not want to bless them or that He can't or won't answer.  While we have to approach God knowing that He is not a magic genie and not every prayer gets the answer we long for, the fear of praying reflects our negative view of God, implying that He does not care about our pain, longings, desires, needs. 

A huge step towards contentment is prayer, bringing your requests before the Lord!  Pray for a change in circumstances and a change in our own hearts.  Pray for spouses and answers but also pray for contentment without those things. Pray for understanding and encouragement from others.

The Lord may not answer your prayer the way you hoped (although He will answer it perfectly), but the Lord is the only one who CAN answer prayers so why not approach Him humbly (but boldly) in prayer, asking that He meet your needs and sustain you? 

Bringing our requests before the Lord not only can lead to answers and blessings, it can also strengthen our relationship with the Lord, calm our anxieties (as the verse says), and develop good habbits for prayer in the future -- I hope I continue to be eager to pray for myself and others long after I am married (through the many ups and downs of life!).  Also, communion with the Lord where we share our needs and requests reminds us that the Lord hears and loves us in our pain and neediness.

Contentment in Singleness #1: Disliking your circumstances

1. Contentment in Singleness: Giving yourself the freedom to dislike your circumstances while trusting your God.

Read this post.  (this post inspired my new blog series) Read it before you read mine because it says what I so dearly believe and won't be able to phrase correctly.

I have spent a good bit of my single years being annoyed with people who seem to think that one day I will finally be happy with my singleness, that I will finally agree that this is good.  I even spent many evenings feeling like a failure for wishing I had a spouse -- good Christians don't long for things other than Christ right? Why can't I just get past this? (not to mention, hearing people who have what you want say that you should just get over it and be content is quite frustrating and insensitive) But, here is the reality of it, it is not good to be alone.  Not in a perfect unfallen world.  And like the author of the article states, I finally got to a point where I quit kicking myself for wanting to be married.  I quit trying to distract myself with business and telling myself that I should be "content and happy with singleness." And I quit believing those lies from friends and families.  I also quit buying into the sunday school lie that once I am finally content, God will bring me a husband....or bring you a child...or find someone a great purpose and career.  I kept trying to "learn my lesson" so that I could be content and this season would then pass (although was I really striving for contentment in my circumstances when the point of contentment was to tempt better circumstances along?)  Am I really supposed to be happy with my circumstances? Will I ever get there?

When someone has an illness which is a result of an imperfect broken world, they might be told to learn to be content in their circumstances, but what is really expected of them is to be content despite their circumstances.  Cancer is bad, God thinks its bad, he doesn't you to pretend its good, He wants you to love Him despite your sucky circumstances, He wants you to be content in Him, not in the fallen broken circumstance you are living in.  We seem to understand what contentment in bad circumstances means regarding disease or job loss or other forms of heartache, but not in singleness or waiting for a child (biologically or throught adoption) or even waiting for healing in broken relationships.  These are forms of grief as well, something that is not good and intended by God, so why do we belittle that as a real longing and real pain?  Some go forever without one or all of these things and this is something they will struggle with. No one tells someone who is sick that those are good circumstances to just accept, but what about singlness --- what is the answer if it isn't happiness with your circumstances?

"So what is godliness with contentment in these circumstances? It it NOT bucking yourself up to be all happy and smiley with your situation. Contentment is not a command to be OK with something God Himself says is not good. You long for something that is normal to long for by the very nature of your creation by God. Yet in our fallen world, that God-given aspect of your nature is unfulfilled. Contentment is understanding that you are not left as an orphan in this longing. You can say, “This sucks!” Because it does, but you can say it hand in hand with God, who said it first but in nobler terms. And you can say it knowing that you are equipped by the gospel to do battle and not be overwhelmed in this season.

If there is a lesson to learn in your singleness, it's to stay engaged with God in the wrestling. It's not to put to death longings that are part of your very God-given nature. And it's not to disengage with God because He refuses to answer those longings. It's to stay engaged with Him, alternately crying out in longing and resting in peace in His arms, calling on Him at every moment to meet the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs exposed by your unfulfilled longing."


What I have learned during my singleness is this: RUN to Jesus.  When others seem to shun my heart for longing for something different, I take the concerns to my Father, His arms are always open. (which by the way, making a single person feel that longing marriage is frivilous or silly is one of the most hurtful things you can do, but that is an entirely different topic for a different day!) Ironically enough, I begin my single years trying to fix my God-given desires because others scolded me - fearful that my failure to be happy with my situation made me a horrible Christian.  Eventually, the constant frustration over others not understanding and dissapointment in myself for wanting marriage pointed me to the arms of my Savior.  It felt like He was telling me that it is okay to long for the things He created as good.  Simply accepting that brought so much Joy and peace, despite remaining longing.  I didn't quit wanting marriage, but I quit beating myself up for being the way the Lord made me!

I can now freely say that I do not like singleness.  I don't hate it. In fact, it even has its "moments" I enjoy my life, but I don't love that my circumstance remained singleness for so long.  I think that over the past couple years (whether dating someone or single), I have learned atleast a little more contentment and I think that began when I quit trying to like singleness and be happy with my circumstances.  (And you know what? If I never get married and remain single forever, I will still not like that I remained single!) I felt like I was hiding who I really was and how I felt from my Savior, but now I am honest with Him about the way He made me. Seeking happiness in my circumstances was from my own strength which is why despite the scolding of others, I failed time and time again.  Seeking my Savior as a place of rest and peace despite negative circumstances and despite those who are critical brought a place of refuge and yes, even contentment on many days.