Dating/Relationship Series #6: Break up.

Don't casually date for too long...

I know this seems like silly advice because (1) its a dating series yet I am telling you to break up! and (2) I recently wrote about not saying no to dates and how a date is just a date.

I still stand by what I said. A date is not a marriage proposal, and a date, even a couple dates, is not to determine if he or she is "the one"

But, dates are to determine if you want to date that person and dating is to determine if you want to marry him (or her!)

So, at the moment that you realize you can't marry that person (or vice versa), thats when the relationship should end. Normally, this is a few months in, but sometimes you hit that point later on, after striving to work through issues and differences and realizing that there are some deal breakers.

So have fun, date, be casual, but at a certain point, fish or cut bait. When you realize that this is NOT someone you can continue getting to know for the point of marriage, get out. Don't hold yourself (or that person) back.  If you stay in a relationship 6 months longer than you should, thats 6 months less to meet a person thats right for you, maybe longer because you will take longer mourning the breakup.

By the way, the reverse is not always true.  You should most likely know that you CAN'T marry a certain person a few months in.  You may not know that you CAN marry them.  Thats why you keep dating them.

I have done a lot of casual dating (ranging from a few dates to a few months) and I have only stayed in a relationship too long once.  It wasn't the worst dating mistake I have ever made, but who knows who I would have  met etc. if I had ended it quicker.

So, sometimes the best thing you can do for your dating life is break up.  Break up so that you (and he) can move on and meet the right person.

***This was already published, then republished itself. Don't know how to change it back to the original date, so sorry, y'all can read it again !! :) ***

Leave him better than you found him

I once read that godly dating should be done in a way that even if the relationship ends (end even if it hurts), it should be done in a way that leaves the other party better for having known you.  I agree with that concept.  In a way, dating relationship are friendships and all friendships and relationships should help the parties grow.  My friends sometimes irritate me or upset me, but most of the time I find them to be encouraging presence in my life-- not to mention people the Lord uses to grow me, point me truth, and show me Himself in a new way.

Am I doing that in dating?  What would this look like?

1.  During your time together, encouraging, correcting and building up in a proper manner.

Whether you marry this person or not, your affirmation and encouragement could help him make changes for the woman who does.  Do you point out the good? When addressing the bad, do you do it kindly? or are you manipulative and harsh?

2.  Always talk about the gospel at some point during dating (even if casually)

Not only is open communication about spiritual matters a good way to learn where  they are spiritually, it may encourage someone's faith to grow.  If I walk away from a dating situation because I realize he is not serious about his faith (a good reason to end things) but I have failed to share with him why my Savior is so important to me, then I have wasted an opportunity.  Those few dates may have been a get to know you time, but I could also have used them to talk some about my faith.  You never know if that sparks a curiosity or even a friendship that may lead to more discussions.

3. Handle breakups kindly.

If you need to end something, accept your feelings and don't blame them for what you feel. Do share some reasons for why things aren't working out, but you can share flaws in you or them or the relationship without attacking. 

4. Respond to breakups correctly.

Even if breakups are handled right, this is still hard to do.  Even if you are upset, try not to attack.  I think it is fine to speak your mind and even stick up for yourself (if attacked) or disagree with their reasoning, but this can be done in a Christlike manner.

5. Handle conflict well.

Fight well. Confront well. These are skills needed in friendships and with family, and particularly within marriage. Start practicing now. Even if the man you are dating ends up not being the one, maybe you have gained some insight in how to handle differences or vice versa.

6. Show Grace.

We all grow from the realization that God and others show grace.  Maybe your forgiveness of mistakes in his past (or vice versa) encourages Him towards a deeper understanding of the Lord's grace...maybe it gives him the courage to keep fighting temptations or heartache or fear.

7.Take the high road.

Some dating situations don't end in a moderately painful breakup. Some end due to lying, deceiving, cheating, abandonment, addiction.  I recognize that and there is no reason not to stand up in the face of that and say No, I will not handle this.  Or if he chooses to attack you while he breaks things off, you have a right to defend yourself.  But, as you do so, do so firmly but kindly. As you take the higher ground, as you refuse to attack or name call, you could leave someone with a taste of grace (see above) -- you never know when those planted seeds will grow.  Some day, years from now, they may be seeking and remember how you handled things well.



Personally....there are times I have handled things poorly and when I have, I have regretted this.  But, I have tried the last few years to leave the man better when it ends...and that has meant not attacking during the breakup and biting my toungue to not spread dirt to people he may know, praying that my heart forgives, and striving to be polite in situations where I am forced to interact with men I have dated.  I have failed at this a lot, of course, but I find that the thought of 'I'm leaving them better than I found them' helps me a lot.

I dated a man last year who was not the right man for me (obviously) and we both knew and I drug my feet on ending it (wrong of me)...why? because he was the nicest guy.  But, when I did finally end it, I made a point to do it kindly  and he made a point to handle it well.  And it sucked for awhile because I liked him, but now things are fine. And when anyone asks about him, I only have the best things to say about him...and strangely enough, I truly hope he meets the right girl for him soon.  It hit me today- what a great guy he is if even after a breakup, my first thoughts of him and how he treated me for a few months are only positive....do I leave those I date the same way? Do people who have dated me think good thoughts of me and well wishes??  What a challenge  to leave men better for having known me.

Trust My Instincts.

Don't worry, I don't have much more to say about dating (after all, I am no dating expert, OR maybe I am since I have done it for many more years than some people ha!) Last night I heard from E, but I have no interest in responding (other than maybe a polite hope your're doing well type of message) or communicating with him. It seems that he wants me to fight back, try to argue why I'm right. I don't care what you think, the end result is the same - we don't need to be together, no reason to namecall. More things keep coming to light regarding his character and I am glad to dodge the bullet, even if this has been dramatic (I am fairly drama free, I HATE when someone adds unecessary drama to my life!)

So the last thing I learned is 4. Trust my instincts.

I had worries which is why I asked the Lord to close the door if need be. And, now that even more has come to light, my instincts and concerns were dead on. After things ended with my engagement years ago, I doubted my instincts. After all, how did I miss it? How did we all miss it?

Not this time. I was concerned from day one. Everyone else was really supportive of me giving him a chance - despite some flaws, and I felt I should (and I still stand by that decision bc you need to see if God has changed a person before slamming a door on them). After all, I am self righteous and elitist at times and I didn't want to write of the right guy because of some ridiculous standards or because I look at who he was in the past, not now. And, I HATE how everyone makes me sound as if I am too picky... so part of me wanted to proove them wrong.

but as my mom said, if you had told us the whole story, we would not have been encouraging you to date him.

And thats why I am comforted by the fact that I saw the issues and I had begun addressing them with him...differences in religious/moral/family beliefs, etc. I didn't miss "major" signs. I always assume I do, that I lack discernment. No, I saw it, and I prayed about it, and I cautiously got to know someone.

I had the wool pulled over my eyes once, but not all the time. I can proceed into life a little freer now knowing that I am not about to be tricked or fooled by every boy I date, that sometimes my instincts are right and concerns do develop.

And you know what? Sometimes, even with good instincts, my instincts still will fail. Sometimes I will believe a friend to be true, or a boy to be interested or even believe something about myself thats false....

and, when that happens, its okay. Because I trust my instincts, but even more, I trust my God. What a comfort to know that even when I trust those I shouldn't (including myself), he steps in and He prooves to be trustworthy, every time.

This time I will praise the Lord

3. "This Time I will praise the Lord."

Do you remember the story of Jacob and Leah and Rachel? He loved Rachel and did not love Leah. And this tore Leah apart. Every time Leah had a child, she thought "This time my husband will love me." and finally, on the last time, she quit thinking it would end in the result she wanted and she would earn his favor. Instead, she boldly proclaimed "this time I will praise the Lord"

I heard a sermon by Tim Keller on that a few months ago, and I realized that every time I quit dating someone (especially if he ended it), I get upset and start stressing about no prospects left. I automatically assume the Lord is not looking out for me, that no good things will ever happen again....

And to be fair, I have a track record of bad things happening...but you know what? I also have a track record of some pretty big blessings, some which come during hard times. And, even if the situation appears only bad, my God is working for me.

(sidenote: I do this in all of life- every time there is a job that falls through or a friend that betrays or a failure in school, work, etc. I always think, "well why was I hopeful or content in my circumstances? things ALWAYS fall apart...)

So, when I heard this sermon, I promised myself that I would make a committed effort to praising the Lord when circumstances fail -- particularly in dating. I told myself that instead of getting negative like the past, instead of trying to fix everything on my own, I would try to remember Leah and how she finally quit trying to make the situation perfect and finally surrendered, saying "This time I will praise the Lord"

And, its good that I was scheduled to write about this too, because the past couple days I have been a little mopey. Not because I think this was the right guy for me, but because now I am alone and there seems to be no one on the horizon that I can see... I have been dating a few different guys since march and after each one, I never really had time to think, "Well is there someone else out there for me?" because I immediately met someone new. I never had to stop and worry if I would ever meet the right guy. Now, I have to. Now, after all the laughter and relief that this last guy is out of my life, I have time to stop and worry.

And, a little time to bounce back is fine, its natural, but falling into a pattern of negativity is not. So, right now, I am fighting with everything in me to say "This time I will praise the Lord" I committed to saying that a few months ago and now the Lord has allowed me the opportunity. All circumstances -- singleness, barreness, sickness, heartache, loneliness, disability, etc come from our Father - and all can be used for our good.

So, I choose to believe that this too is an opportunity to praise the Lord-- for his protection, for his provision, for his soverign control of my current, very single, circumstances. It takes reminding myself of this a few times daily, BUT if Leah can praise the Lord in a loveless marriage where her sister was adored, I can praise the Lord in singleness.

So, this time, I will praise the Lord. I will be dissapointed, I will be frustrated, BUT I will not quit praising and trusting.

Answered Prayers

Yesterday, I wrote about how I felt I had a chance at Redemption as one of the several things I have learned from a recent dating "relationship". There were several other things I learned last week (I suppose I should send him a thank you note!).

2. Answered Prayers

I very rarely really like someone - I have only dated 3-4 guys that I actually was crazy about. I get along with a lot of people and I go on many dates and sometimes I will even date a guy for awhile because I care for him and I think more chemistry might develop (I am a big believer that "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT" is a bunch of crap....many times you get to know someone's personality and then you like them a lot more than at first)

I actually met the guy I was dating (E) while on a date with someone else 6 months ago. THAT date went nowhere partially because he was dumb enough to invite his friend (E) along with us and it was clear that E and I hit it off better than my date and I did (boys: dont bring competition to your date, also as a girl, its kindof insulting that you didnt think you could be alone with me for 2 hrs without other company). A casual flirtation persisted for months, off and on, suggestions of a date, but never a date until beginning of September (as one could expect, its awkward to ask a girl out whom you met through your friend who was on a date with her). There was the illusive chemistry from day one (back last March) -- which is wonderful, except when you are practical like me and trying to decide if this is a boy you want to date seriously.

As I got to know E, I had some reservations, many of them cleared up through discussion and getting to know him, but unlike others I have had such an immediate connection with, I still felt concern based on some of the differences we had. However, sometimes differences are good and grace is required. I didn't want to make a hasty decision and I really liked him. I am the type of person who picks people apart, so I did not know if my concerns came from real issues or from me looking to find a flaw, like I often do. So, I decided that the best thing to do was to pray....

Not to just pray that he was the one I should be with (as I think EVERY girl does before every first date , haha - please Lord let this be my last first date!), but to pray that if he wasn't the one, God would slam the door and do it quickly, before more feelings were involved for both of us. For good measure, I also specifically prayed that it would end in a way where I was so irritated that I didn't sit around still pining for the boy.

And...after a couple weeks of prayers, thats exactly what happened...a clear shut door, complete with a personal attack prior to giving his real reason. I'm glad he attacked me. Had things just ended because he wanted to put work before relationships again, then I would probably have still wanted to be with him. But, being attacked and lied to made me furious, eager to shut the door myself.....In fact, I believe after speaking my peace, my exact words were I'm tired of this, I am going to bed now, goodnight. I had no desire to sit there and try to convince him we should keep dating. God answered me-- even down to the smallest details (let it be in a way that irritates me...)

A solid and firm NO makes things easier to move on from. I wish all relationships ended so clearly. True, this is not the answer I wanted. After all, I always HOPE the guy and the relationship is as good as it seems at first. But, if you ask God to answer your prayers and believe He can, you must accept the NO answers too, and you must accept that your answers may come in ways you don't want. (sidenote: last year, in a dating situation, I had a "wait" answer which I truthfully believe is far harder than a NO...because you don't know if and when to move on or if and when to hope)

God heard me....and he responded, even down to the last detail. And, strangely enough, my NO makes me even more confident that God is working to provide blessings in my life. Because if He heard my request to end it quickly and clearly, He is also hearing my daily petitions for a spouse and may even be working to provide as I type this sentence.

And, what is more is He is hearing my prayers for friends' salvation, prayers for family members, prayers for healing, etc. If He can answer a prayer request so trivial in the grand scheme of things (if things end, let him irritate me so the breakup will be easier...) then certainly He is even more concerned with the larger prayer requests...the broken hearts, the failing marriages, the lonely singles, the childless women, the sick family members. It may seem impossible to you that God could save your child or heal your suffering. Like me, you may be waiting for a spouse or a child and based on the past dissapointments, you believe it would take a miracle for that to happen.

Luckilly, our prayers are heard by someone who can orchestrate circumstances far better than we could imagine.... who can answer small and big requests. And I needed to be reminded of that.

So, strangely enough, I learned to believe in God's provision through his NO. I am excited to see how much more He teaches me when the answer is YES.

Redemption

I am very hesitant about writing about relationships, dating and breakups when they occur (for my own privacy AND the privacy of those involved)....but last week I had a dating situation that ended - and in such a ridiculous way that my sister informed me I had to write about it.

It was the first time ever that I had a breakup (can you even call it that after a month?) in which I ONLY felt angry and annoyed immediately, not sad. In fact, it was downright hilarious...so funny that I woke up the next morning, called my sister and said, "Did that just happen?" Anyways, I was going to write a very funny post on it, but I don't know how to tell all the details in a post without revealing some of his experiances and stories that aren't mine to tell...but SMALL SUMMARY: before giving me his real reason to end things (not willing to quit working late hours to include a girl in his life, which is a totally fair decisions), he first started by attacking me with some accusations that just made me laugh. And, sorry Marley, although I can't sit tell the entire story publically, I do have some thoughts to share on this situation. I decided that I would spend the week writing on a few topics this situation provided me to think about in my life (is that good enough Marley??) It made me think of 2nd chances/redemption, answered prayers, a bible verse, living in the present, and maybe one other topic, although I don't know how to phrase it in a couple words :) I can't talk about this all at once but today I will talk about Redemption.

1. Redemption

Not to get into an entire dramatic saga, my previous engagement ended and when ending, my ex attacked me with a lot of accusations (some were real sins I had that I was working on, and some were completely false and silly). While I acknowledged my flaws and even sat there and let him attack me with crazy accusations, he never once was willing to admit a single flaw. I was trying to save my relationship and trying to see where I was wrong that I let him blame me. I've always regretted that. I am a fairly outspoken and confident person so I hated myself for not sticking up for myself enough during the end of our relationship.

It's a hard line to tow -- being willing to see your flaws and admit them and not being blamed for a situation. Its easy to try so hard to see "how you contributed to a fight, breakup, disagreement with a friend," that you end up being blamed for and taking responsibility for someone else's decisions or sin. (I guess the same is true, sometimes we focus on the other person's flaws so much we miss our own contribution to the problem!) My mom raised my siblings and I to always look at what we did first when conflict arises...and so I do, and if I don't, she is MORE THAN WILLING to point it out for me...

Anyways, since my engagement ended, my biggest pet peeve in friendships, dating, family, etc is when people don't take responsibility for their decisions, blaming others or making up reasons that the other person is to blame. So, as this current dating situation ended, I had the chance to actually say "No, that's not true." I informed him that it was fine he wanted to quit seeing me, but blaming me for his decision was just not going to be okay with me.

I need to do that more...I need to stick up for myself with friends, family and boys. I especially needed the chance to redeem my passivity from college. This time, a man flat out lied to me, claiming I did things I had not and I said, "No, not taking your responsibility and blame." And when the conversation ended, all I could feel was proud. (not to mention calling him out on the lies drew out the truth...)

Life is about balance, and I learned that last week. Examining your life for sin and flaws is the best thing you can do, but everytime conflict occurs doesnt mean you are to blame. Its a balance between having enough humility to see your weaknesses and enough self-respect to not accept blame and accusations that aren't true. Even my mom, great advocate of the "examine what you did wrong" movement told me, "Honey, you know how I always tell you to look at what you did wrong in a relationship, well, this time you didn't do a darn thing wrong."

Funny what a difference five years makes -- this time I had enough self-esteem and life experiance to fight back. And, I had the opportunity to do so - to fight back, to see the flaw of blaming others (sometimes I worry that I miss that one when dating) and to redeem my passivity from the past.