I fully believe that there is No such thing as a Soulmate.
Believing in a soulmate sets you up for dissapointment. You will be shocked if your boyfriend or spouse lets you down. You will be so confused if he hurts you.
Soulmates are impossible. We are all sinners and sinners hurt eachother and fail and sometimes screw up.
Believing in a soulmate increases your chances of discontentment and possibly divorce. When someone doesn't please you enough anymore, it would be easy to assume that this is not your soulmate, that you made a mistake, that you need to end things and keep looking. Likewise, if dating, a belief in a soulmate could keep you from ever settling down.
I'm marrying a great guy who loves Jesus and loves me well. He is not my soulmate. He can't complete me, nor can I complete him. Sometimes he drives me crazy and goodness knows, I annoy him. We are opposites in many ways. (My roomate, her fiance and the two of us talked about that just last night -- how funny it is that both couples were opposites) But you know what? Although we don't see eye to eye on everything and always complete eachothers sentences and walk on clouds and rainbows all day, our differences really challenge and improve eachother.
"The good news, however, is that in marriage God gives us someone far better than a soulmate. He gives us the person who is exactly right for us. He gives us the husband or wife who will help us become more like Jesus Christ. Sometimes that’s a painful process for both spouses. It doesn’t feel “soulmate-ish”....It’s hard and it requires work. But as we seek to serve each other, the end result is that we both love God more and we both love each other more."
Ouch. That doesn't sound fun, but it also sounds exactly like what I need. At the same time, it sounds great....that someone will literally be used by God to help make me a better person, painful as that process may be.
For the record, I think God uses friends, roomates and family in this process too. Being a tool in God's sanctification of another person is not limited to marriage, but marriage (and possibly parents and children) are probably some of the most intimate ways this process works.
And although I am very glad the man I ended up with was Dave, he is not my soulmate. So its good that we don't find soulmates, but instead are able to be with someone who is right for us, in both good and difficult ways.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
The Most Romantic Place in the World
Do y'all watch the Mindy Show? I do and it's so funny and although she's a bit crazy, I think most single 20-30 something gals can relate to her attempt to balance work, friends and dating....and her desire to meet someone. In this week's episode, Mindy was trying to make a romantic moment happen at the Empire State building because many romantic moments happen there (in her opinion, based on chick flicks) Mindy believed the Empire State Building to be the most romantic place in the world. In fact, she would occasionally hang out in the lobby, hoping to meet someone.
Her friend took her to this hole in the wall pizza joint (with the worst pizza in the city) where he had his first date with his wife and said this:
"The most romantic place in the world, you don't know it's going to be romantic ahead of time."
SO TRUE!!
You can't plan these things. I spent 3+ hours talking to the cutest guy in a hamburer joint last January. I still smile every time we eat there or when I drive past. I knew he was the one at a gas station in Meadville, MS (I believe they have just one gas station) and I'm tempted to stop there every time I drive by. I love movies. I think because for us, the movies have become this fun place where we can sit together for 2 hours and hold hands-- when you date long distance, you miss those things so on Saturdays, we loved it. So it seems silly and unromantic, but some of my fav times with Dave are sitting next to him and chatting during the previews. I love Dave's parents living room because I would try to visit him once every other week (mid-week) and after they went to bed, I remember curling up on the couch and watching tv and talking and having a few minutes alone. I have many happy memories and a couple different ponds where we went fishing this spring, (yes, I went fishing, hard to believe)
We do actually have a couple true "romantic-y" spots....by the MS river and a field in Church Hill. When we had just been dating for a few weeks/month, I was in Natchez for work and decided to stay for a dinner date with Dave. Afterwards, we walked by the MS river. We actually drove across to the Louisiana side because they have swings and talked and kindof mad our feelings clear. We both remember that spot with such fondness that we've gone back a few times. One of my favorite spots with Dave is this field in the country where we went to talk and have drinks and had our first kiss. In fact, I can't wait to go sit under the stars and the same truck this spring.
No Empire State Building. A few romantic spots: star lit skies, sitting by the river...but mostly, happy moments happen in ordinary places. And that's been the case in most of mine and my friends' relationships. You can't just make these things happen.
So, where are your unromantic yet romantic places??? Anything off beat and different? Anything Ordinary?
Her friend took her to this hole in the wall pizza joint (with the worst pizza in the city) where he had his first date with his wife and said this:
"The most romantic place in the world, you don't know it's going to be romantic ahead of time."
SO TRUE!!
You can't plan these things. I spent 3+ hours talking to the cutest guy in a hamburer joint last January. I still smile every time we eat there or when I drive past. I knew he was the one at a gas station in Meadville, MS (I believe they have just one gas station) and I'm tempted to stop there every time I drive by. I love movies. I think because for us, the movies have become this fun place where we can sit together for 2 hours and hold hands-- when you date long distance, you miss those things so on Saturdays, we loved it. So it seems silly and unromantic, but some of my fav times with Dave are sitting next to him and chatting during the previews. I love Dave's parents living room because I would try to visit him once every other week (mid-week) and after they went to bed, I remember curling up on the couch and watching tv and talking and having a few minutes alone. I have many happy memories and a couple different ponds where we went fishing this spring, (yes, I went fishing, hard to believe)
We do actually have a couple true "romantic-y" spots....by the MS river and a field in Church Hill. When we had just been dating for a few weeks/month, I was in Natchez for work and decided to stay for a dinner date with Dave. Afterwards, we walked by the MS river. We actually drove across to the Louisiana side because they have swings and talked and kindof mad our feelings clear. We both remember that spot with such fondness that we've gone back a few times. One of my favorite spots with Dave is this field in the country where we went to talk and have drinks and had our first kiss. In fact, I can't wait to go sit under the stars and the same truck this spring.
No Empire State Building. A few romantic spots: star lit skies, sitting by the river...but mostly, happy moments happen in ordinary places. And that's been the case in most of mine and my friends' relationships. You can't just make these things happen.
So, where are your unromantic yet romantic places??? Anything off beat and different? Anything Ordinary?
Monday, January 28, 2013
Weekend Recap: New restaurants and recipe!
This weekend was a lot of fun. Dave was out of town until Sunday, so instead of having to balance BF and friends, I had a friend packed weekend starting with a girls night at the Library Lounge at the Fairview Inn. I loved this place -- small tapas and specialty drinks (many were named after Mississippians!) This was definitely a quieter scene than most bars. It was nice to go have a couple drinks and talk in a place that wasn't loud and crowded.
Saturday morning, I had breakfast with my "first friend" Laurie who I have known since infancy. I loved getting to see her and her adorable daughter Finley. Seriously, check out this cutie!
I worked Saturday and I use the term work loosely. January seems to be a slow month in retail, understandably. We have a couple busy times because of a few wedding showers coming up, but other than that, I spent time with one of the other employees registering me and I talked to my coworkers.
For dinner, I met my friend Chris and brother Blaise at Illegal Burrito. QUICK FACT ABOUT ME: I LOVE MOES!! but we no longer have one in Jackson. Illegal Burrito is fairly new and I thought it could be my fill-in for Moes. Plus one of my goals was to try new local restaurants this year (I tend to eat at my favorites all the time!) It was good. but not as good as Moe's! However, I will eat there again! We then went to see the movie, Gangster Squad. and I was pleasently surprised by how good it was-- and its based on a true story of a secret cop squad in LA who had the job of breaking down the LA mafia. Actually, Dave and I went to see Silver Linings Playbook Sunday night and I expected to like that movie more than Gangster Squad but I prefered Gangster Squad more. Sometimes you're surprised by what you like!
Sunday I got a lot done and cooked a late lowcarb lunch for Dave and me when he got home. One of my 30 by 30 resolutions was to cook new recipes....so Sunday I started towards that goal. This was a fairly simple recipe but one that Dave and I would both eat. Dave admits to be a fairly picky eater. So that limits us. I am trying to eat low carb so that limits us too. Both limitations make it hard to find foods we both eat. Dave comes over for dinner several nights a week since his school is 2 miles from where I live and we just eat a lot of staples: chicken, beef, veggies, etc. After the wedding, I'll have a bit more free range in what I make because I won't be super low carb, but until then I am craving a little variety.
Dave LOVES pizza. I MISS pizza. You may remember my cauliflower crust recipe which is low carb and tasty BUT dave does not like cauliflower. So, I tried a different easy lowcarb crust recipe this weekend. Dave liked it, didn't love it, but willingly ate 3 pieces! He said the crust was a little "different" which it is...however, to someone like me who is eating lowcarb, any crust is better than none!
Here's how to make the recipe:
CRUST:
Block of cream cheese
2 eggs
1/4 c. parmeson cheese
Toppings:
marinara sauce
1/4 c parmeson cheese
1 c mozzerella cheese
turkey pepperoni
vegetables
Blend cream cheese (softened) and 2 eggs. After its blended, add in 1/4 c parm. cheese. spread in a 9x13 pan (sprayed with Pam) and cook for 17 minutes at 350 degrees or until golden brown.
Take crust out of oven to cool for 10 minutes. Adjust temp. to 400. After the crust cools spread marinara sauce with a little parmeson mixed in (I think I used almost 1 c. of marinara) Add 1 c. mozzerella cheese. The place toppings: pepperoni, turkey pepperoni, veggies, chicken, etc. Bake for 8 minutes (although I think I left mine in a bit longer.
If you are eating lowcarb and miss pizza/bread, try this. You will know its not real bread but it gives the impression of bread and hits the spot. Unfortunately, the pizza is more fattening with all that cream cheese (and I think you have to use full fat cream cheese to hold better, although I will be trying this with the lowfat version)
The pizza is thin which means you eat 2-3 pieces easilly.... so I think if you want a big serving, you can split the pan 3 ways (~ 520 calories) or split it 4 ways (~390 calories). We served it with carrot sticks and had a pretty good sunday lunch! I will definitely be making it again!
Sunday night, I also worked on a goal of mine. Dave and I tried a new restaurant for date night: Islander (oysters and poboys). I must admit, I was dissapointed. The service was fine, but the food was just okay. I would certainly eat there again if invited, but I probably wouldn't suggest the restaurant. However, it was fun to have a date night and chat. I swee Dave many times a week for dinner but we usually cook in and watch TV. We then went to see Silver Linings Playbook which was okay, not bad, but not as good as everyone claimed it was. I did like the ending though. By the way, local Jacksonians, Parkways has movies for 5 dollars on Sunday nights which is why Dave and I often go see movies on Sunday nights because its basically half off! You know I am all about finding Cheap Date Ideas and blogging about them, but seriously, you could easilly skip dinner and get popcorn, diet coke and two movie tickets for 21.00 total which is 10 dollars cheaper than a friday or saturday night movie. I like Sundays because the ten dollars you save can cover the overpriced popcorn! I know this is not an original idea, but it is practical to consider seeing Sunday night movies or matinees!
So as far as my goals go, I tried two new restaurants and cooked one new recipe! Not bad for a typical low key weekend!
Saturday morning, I had breakfast with my "first friend" Laurie who I have known since infancy. I loved getting to see her and her adorable daughter Finley. Seriously, check out this cutie!
I worked Saturday and I use the term work loosely. January seems to be a slow month in retail, understandably. We have a couple busy times because of a few wedding showers coming up, but other than that, I spent time with one of the other employees registering me and I talked to my coworkers.
For dinner, I met my friend Chris and brother Blaise at Illegal Burrito. QUICK FACT ABOUT ME: I LOVE MOES!! but we no longer have one in Jackson. Illegal Burrito is fairly new and I thought it could be my fill-in for Moes. Plus one of my goals was to try new local restaurants this year (I tend to eat at my favorites all the time!) It was good. but not as good as Moe's! However, I will eat there again! We then went to see the movie, Gangster Squad. and I was pleasently surprised by how good it was-- and its based on a true story of a secret cop squad in LA who had the job of breaking down the LA mafia. Actually, Dave and I went to see Silver Linings Playbook Sunday night and I expected to like that movie more than Gangster Squad but I prefered Gangster Squad more. Sometimes you're surprised by what you like!
Sunday I got a lot done and cooked a late lowcarb lunch for Dave and me when he got home. One of my 30 by 30 resolutions was to cook new recipes....so Sunday I started towards that goal. This was a fairly simple recipe but one that Dave and I would both eat. Dave admits to be a fairly picky eater. So that limits us. I am trying to eat low carb so that limits us too. Both limitations make it hard to find foods we both eat. Dave comes over for dinner several nights a week since his school is 2 miles from where I live and we just eat a lot of staples: chicken, beef, veggies, etc. After the wedding, I'll have a bit more free range in what I make because I won't be super low carb, but until then I am craving a little variety.
Dave LOVES pizza. I MISS pizza. You may remember my cauliflower crust recipe which is low carb and tasty BUT dave does not like cauliflower. So, I tried a different easy lowcarb crust recipe this weekend. Dave liked it, didn't love it, but willingly ate 3 pieces! He said the crust was a little "different" which it is...however, to someone like me who is eating lowcarb, any crust is better than none!
Here's how to make the recipe:
CRUST:
Block of cream cheese
2 eggs
1/4 c. parmeson cheese
Toppings:
marinara sauce
1/4 c parmeson cheese
1 c mozzerella cheese
turkey pepperoni
vegetables
Blend cream cheese (softened) and 2 eggs. After its blended, add in 1/4 c parm. cheese. spread in a 9x13 pan (sprayed with Pam) and cook for 17 minutes at 350 degrees or until golden brown.
Take crust out of oven to cool for 10 minutes. Adjust temp. to 400. After the crust cools spread marinara sauce with a little parmeson mixed in (I think I used almost 1 c. of marinara) Add 1 c. mozzerella cheese. The place toppings: pepperoni, turkey pepperoni, veggies, chicken, etc. Bake for 8 minutes (although I think I left mine in a bit longer.
If you are eating lowcarb and miss pizza/bread, try this. You will know its not real bread but it gives the impression of bread and hits the spot. Unfortunately, the pizza is more fattening with all that cream cheese (and I think you have to use full fat cream cheese to hold better, although I will be trying this with the lowfat version)
The pizza is thin which means you eat 2-3 pieces easilly.... so I think if you want a big serving, you can split the pan 3 ways (~ 520 calories) or split it 4 ways (~390 calories). We served it with carrot sticks and had a pretty good sunday lunch! I will definitely be making it again!
Sunday night, I also worked on a goal of mine. Dave and I tried a new restaurant for date night: Islander (oysters and poboys). I must admit, I was dissapointed. The service was fine, but the food was just okay. I would certainly eat there again if invited, but I probably wouldn't suggest the restaurant. However, it was fun to have a date night and chat. I swee Dave many times a week for dinner but we usually cook in and watch TV. We then went to see Silver Linings Playbook which was okay, not bad, but not as good as everyone claimed it was. I did like the ending though. By the way, local Jacksonians, Parkways has movies for 5 dollars on Sunday nights which is why Dave and I often go see movies on Sunday nights because its basically half off! You know I am all about finding Cheap Date Ideas and blogging about them, but seriously, you could easilly skip dinner and get popcorn, diet coke and two movie tickets for 21.00 total which is 10 dollars cheaper than a friday or saturday night movie. I like Sundays because the ten dollars you save can cover the overpriced popcorn! I know this is not an original idea, but it is practical to consider seeing Sunday night movies or matinees!
So as far as my goals go, I tried two new restaurants and cooked one new recipe! Not bad for a typical low key weekend!
Friday, January 4, 2013
THE BLAME GAME
I loved this article on how blaming women for their singleness isn't really helping. I had to share.
What I hated during my single days (and I don't mean that to sound like I am so far past my single days because I am not!) is the constant shame and blame you got as a single. I've spoken of this before.
Whether its Christian authors, speakers of well-meaning friends and family (or not so well meaning friends and family), there is constantly a desire to explain why so many people in my generation are still single....and usually the blame is placed on us. (forgetting to face the fact that many many 20somethings grew up in divorced homes or witnessing divorced homes).
There is a lot of blame or explination of why men are still single (the video game culture, extended childhoods, etc) but there always seems to be a critique on women (or maybe I felt this the most since I am a woman)....particularly on working women (although I still beg the question: what are women supposed to do while waiting for a spouse? Even those that want to be SAHM's have to support themselves until that point!)
Sometimes I read or was told that because I am a lawyer, I didn't value marriage enough and gave off the impression that I was too independent and career oriented. Sometimes I was told the opposite: I wanted marriage too much which must be chasing men away. Some views were that certainly I was too unfriendly and unwelcoming to men. Sometimes the impression was that I must be too forward, not letting men be men. My standards must be too high, passing on all eligible men. My standards must be too low, settling for men who don't have my values and beliefs and it will certainly fail and then I'll be single again and wondering why my dating relationships don't work!
Not only was I blamed, I was blamed either way I turned! No matter what I did, I was at fault.
Additionally, I need to lose weight, dress differently, always be done up, be gorgeous....all while lowering my expectations of how I want the man to look. Men's attraction is based on appearance after all, and we women shouldn't be too picky because we don't value appearance at all and need not hold men to the same physical standards they hold us to. (note: I agree on not placing too much value on appearance, but I find it unfair that men are allowed to yet women shouldn't!)
Additionally, I must have a difficult personality or be bitter. Maybe I'm a little strange....possibly I'm not very feminine and warm. There's always a reason....and in some ways, I get it, we want to explain away the situation. Certainly so many women must be single for a reason!
Also, many times, this blaming comes from those who are married, implying: get your act together lady so you can be mariable like me. There's a level of false prosperity gospel being taught with these messages on singleness and a level of pride in being one of the ones who were marriable.
This approach of blaming leaves women struggling with singleness (which they already were struggling!) and on top of that, hating and blaming themselves. But finally I came to the realization that I had some things I could change about my personality, appearance and approach, but as a whole, there was nothing that made me unmarriable...just circumstances.
That's why I loved this article. The truth is that with the ratio of Christian men to Christian women (3:2), there are a lot of single women. Likely, thats not changing any time soon and sadly, we will continue to see older singles. Is the best thing the church and Christians can do? Make women feel horrible about themselves? If some women face many years single, then perhaps the church can encourage dating and marriage, help train Godly men and at the very least, be a shelter and place of community for singles, particularly single women.
I'm actually not opposed to dating advice and self help books and I truly do think that if you have weight to lose, lose it (single or married) and it might help you date more. You probably have things you can do to improve your personality and I sure hope you do. And I sure plan on continuing to work on myself, even with a ring on my hand. I didn't suddenly become good enough. And had I never gotten married, I'd still have a whole list of wonderful personality traits (and some not so good one).
Do I know some women who its understandable why they aren't married? sure....but I know a lot more women that I am left scratching my head and wondering how she is not taken yet....and I know a few women who are difficult that are married!!There are mean women who are married and mean women who are single, so the sweet kind women aren't those who get to get married.
So do yourself a favor. If you are single, quit listening to everyone come up with reasons why you are single: independence, shyness, law degree, etc Trust the counsel of a few close people and work on your flaws, but know that providence and circumstances may have more to do with your singlness than anything else. If you aren't single, don't associate marital status with success or favor or being qualified. Love your single sisters and include them. Offer encouragement, love and even the occasional advice (no, carhart overalls aren't a good first date clothing choice, etc) -- but don't offer blame. You aren't any better....It could just as easilly be you that was single.
What I hated during my single days (and I don't mean that to sound like I am so far past my single days because I am not!) is the constant shame and blame you got as a single. I've spoken of this before.
Whether its Christian authors, speakers of well-meaning friends and family (or not so well meaning friends and family), there is constantly a desire to explain why so many people in my generation are still single....and usually the blame is placed on us. (forgetting to face the fact that many many 20somethings grew up in divorced homes or witnessing divorced homes).
There is a lot of blame or explination of why men are still single (the video game culture, extended childhoods, etc) but there always seems to be a critique on women (or maybe I felt this the most since I am a woman)....particularly on working women (although I still beg the question: what are women supposed to do while waiting for a spouse? Even those that want to be SAHM's have to support themselves until that point!)
Sometimes I read or was told that because I am a lawyer, I didn't value marriage enough and gave off the impression that I was too independent and career oriented. Sometimes I was told the opposite: I wanted marriage too much which must be chasing men away. Some views were that certainly I was too unfriendly and unwelcoming to men. Sometimes the impression was that I must be too forward, not letting men be men. My standards must be too high, passing on all eligible men. My standards must be too low, settling for men who don't have my values and beliefs and it will certainly fail and then I'll be single again and wondering why my dating relationships don't work!
Not only was I blamed, I was blamed either way I turned! No matter what I did, I was at fault.
Additionally, I need to lose weight, dress differently, always be done up, be gorgeous....all while lowering my expectations of how I want the man to look. Men's attraction is based on appearance after all, and we women shouldn't be too picky because we don't value appearance at all and need not hold men to the same physical standards they hold us to. (note: I agree on not placing too much value on appearance, but I find it unfair that men are allowed to yet women shouldn't!)
Additionally, I must have a difficult personality or be bitter. Maybe I'm a little strange....possibly I'm not very feminine and warm. There's always a reason....and in some ways, I get it, we want to explain away the situation. Certainly so many women must be single for a reason!
Also, many times, this blaming comes from those who are married, implying: get your act together lady so you can be mariable like me. There's a level of false prosperity gospel being taught with these messages on singleness and a level of pride in being one of the ones who were marriable.
This approach of blaming leaves women struggling with singleness (which they already were struggling!) and on top of that, hating and blaming themselves. But finally I came to the realization that I had some things I could change about my personality, appearance and approach, but as a whole, there was nothing that made me unmarriable...just circumstances.
That's why I loved this article. The truth is that with the ratio of Christian men to Christian women (3:2), there are a lot of single women. Likely, thats not changing any time soon and sadly, we will continue to see older singles. Is the best thing the church and Christians can do? Make women feel horrible about themselves? If some women face many years single, then perhaps the church can encourage dating and marriage, help train Godly men and at the very least, be a shelter and place of community for singles, particularly single women.
I'm actually not opposed to dating advice and self help books and I truly do think that if you have weight to lose, lose it (single or married) and it might help you date more. You probably have things you can do to improve your personality and I sure hope you do. And I sure plan on continuing to work on myself, even with a ring on my hand. I didn't suddenly become good enough. And had I never gotten married, I'd still have a whole list of wonderful personality traits (and some not so good one).
Do I know some women who its understandable why they aren't married? sure....but I know a lot more women that I am left scratching my head and wondering how she is not taken yet....and I know a few women who are difficult that are married!!There are mean women who are married and mean women who are single, so the sweet kind women aren't those who get to get married.
So do yourself a favor. If you are single, quit listening to everyone come up with reasons why you are single: independence, shyness, law degree, etc Trust the counsel of a few close people and work on your flaws, but know that providence and circumstances may have more to do with your singlness than anything else. If you aren't single, don't associate marital status with success or favor or being qualified. Love your single sisters and include them. Offer encouragement, love and even the occasional advice (no, carhart overalls aren't a good first date clothing choice, etc) -- but don't offer blame. You aren't any better....It could just as easilly be you that was single.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
12 cheap Christmas date nights
1. Cocoa and a Christmas movie, snuggling on the couch
2. Ice skating!
3. Decorating a Gingerbread house (10 dollars for a premade house at walmart, plus a few extra packs of candy!)
4. baking holiday cookies!
5. Local Christmas play (this one is a little more expensive!)
6. Make some cocoa, hop in your car and tour the Christmas lights.
7. Take advantage of the Free Christmas Cantatas at local churches
8. Go to the Bass Pro Shop (or anywhere else with a free santa) and take a picture with santa!)
9. Deliver gifts or go shopping while listening to Christmas music and enjoying a holiday milkshake or holiday coffee!
10. Take advantage of the fun holiday events your town offers - a singing christmas tree, an outdoor movie night, etc.
11. Pick out a tree and decorate it!
12. Take a day or night where each of you introduces the other to a family tradition -- special holiday breakfast food? Special cookies? a great cider recipe? a certain book you always read?
2. Ice skating!
3. Decorating a Gingerbread house (10 dollars for a premade house at walmart, plus a few extra packs of candy!)
4. baking holiday cookies!
5. Local Christmas play (this one is a little more expensive!)
7. Take advantage of the Free Christmas Cantatas at local churches
8. Go to the Bass Pro Shop (or anywhere else with a free santa) and take a picture with santa!)
9. Deliver gifts or go shopping while listening to Christmas music and enjoying a holiday milkshake or holiday coffee!
10. Take advantage of the fun holiday events your town offers - a singing christmas tree, an outdoor movie night, etc.
11. Pick out a tree and decorate it!
12. Take a day or night where each of you introduces the other to a family tradition -- special holiday breakfast food? Special cookies? a great cider recipe? a certain book you always read?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
What I am reading Wednesday (Dec 5 2012)
Here are some encouraging articles I had to share....
(1) 13 Scriptures to Meditate on when your future is uncertain. Um, who doesnt need this at some point in their life?
(2) 12 Promises every parent should ask God to fulfill.
(3) You don't have to like what's happening to you...
(4) The beauty of faithful Suffering
"Does it matter how we walk in the face of suffering? The Bible makes unapologetic claims about how we should face suffering: "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is reve...aled" (1 Pet. 4:13). Allowing us to experience the brokenness of this world keeps us thirsty for the next. The reality of death forces us to consider carefully how we live. Only by believing that a better home awaits can we experience any sort of light in this land of shadows."
(5) An article about how a man's spiritual leadership isn't an exact formula....this really challenged me a lot!
(6) When addressing singleness, women need more than just a "to do" checklist as this article, How Not to Help all the Single Ladies, points out. I love how the author talked about singleness, particularly in women, being a real heartache. (nothing irritates me more than when its downplayed) The author suggests that with the reality of more Christian women than men, we need to offer single Christian ladies real support and encouragement, not just books that tell you how to fix yourself and get a man (although I am all for practical attempts at improving yourself and your dating life) -- sometimes doing everything to "fix" yourself and still remaining single makes you feel really inadequate. The reality is the church can't fix permenant or prolonged singleness for everyone (although I am supportive of church member's attempts to set people up and encourage dating!), but the church can offer support, love and fellowship to those who are single.
I actually had a few other great articles, so there may have to be a second installment to this week's list!
(1) 13 Scriptures to Meditate on when your future is uncertain. Um, who doesnt need this at some point in their life?
(2) 12 Promises every parent should ask God to fulfill.
(3) You don't have to like what's happening to you...
(4) The beauty of faithful Suffering
"Does it matter how we walk in the face of suffering? The Bible makes unapologetic claims about how we should face suffering: "But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is reve...aled" (1 Pet. 4:13). Allowing us to experience the brokenness of this world keeps us thirsty for the next. The reality of death forces us to consider carefully how we live. Only by believing that a better home awaits can we experience any sort of light in this land of shadows."
(5) An article about how a man's spiritual leadership isn't an exact formula....this really challenged me a lot!
(6) When addressing singleness, women need more than just a "to do" checklist as this article, How Not to Help all the Single Ladies, points out. I love how the author talked about singleness, particularly in women, being a real heartache. (nothing irritates me more than when its downplayed) The author suggests that with the reality of more Christian women than men, we need to offer single Christian ladies real support and encouragement, not just books that tell you how to fix yourself and get a man (although I am all for practical attempts at improving yourself and your dating life) -- sometimes doing everything to "fix" yourself and still remaining single makes you feel really inadequate. The reality is the church can't fix permenant or prolonged singleness for everyone (although I am supportive of church member's attempts to set people up and encourage dating!), but the church can offer support, love and fellowship to those who are single.
I actually had a few other great articles, so there may have to be a second installment to this week's list!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Cheap Date #2: Mississippi State Fair
A couple weeks ago, the Mississippi State fair was in town. It's not far from my neighborhood (2-3 miles) so Dave and I decided to make a fun date night out of the trip. We were trying to follow the "cheap date" guidelines --$25 dollars or less (and we were barely over, so I am including it in the cheap date series!) The fair is cash only (atm's on site) so we pooled the cash we had to head to the fair.
We went to the fair on a monday night so it wouldn't be super crowded. It was a great time to go, plus it was really chilly which felt perfect for a fair visit! I cooked us spaghetti and then we headed to the fair. We parked a few blocks away so we could park for free, plus it was such a pretty view of all the lights when you walk down the hill to the fair!
Tickets to get in were five dollars a piece. We then went immediately to the petting zoo. We spent 1.00 on feed and fed the animals.
Next, we walked up and down the strip to see all the interesting food choices, games, side shows and rides. It's always fun to stroll and hold hands! I spent 75 cents seeing the smallest woman alive. I thought she would be babydoll small but she wasn't. She was small, but I've seen smaller people on TLC specials.
Next we picked two rides each and bought tickets. We chose to ride the ferris wheel and the skilift that goes across the fair. (neither of us cared to ride the fast rides!) The rides cost 7.50 per person for enough tickets to ride both, so 15 dollars total.
After our rides, we decided to get free biscuits from the Kroger booth (I think it was the Jitney Jungle booth when I was a kid, but Jitney sold their stores) They hand out free hot homemade biscuits with syrup squeezed inside them. Delicious. Traditional Fair food for NO MONEY.
If we were to go again, I might only do one ride and use the remaining money to try some naughty fair food like fried oreos :) But because we ate dinner already, homemade biscuits were enough!
Date Location: MS State Fair
Total cost: $26.75 (10 tickets, 15 rides, 1 food for animals, .75 smallest lady on earth)
Rating: 9 (loved a fun night under the lights with my fav guy; for the record, also love a fun night at the fair with a group of friends!)
We went to the fair on a monday night so it wouldn't be super crowded. It was a great time to go, plus it was really chilly which felt perfect for a fair visit! I cooked us spaghetti and then we headed to the fair. We parked a few blocks away so we could park for free, plus it was such a pretty view of all the lights when you walk down the hill to the fair!
Dave and me in front of the Ferris Wheel
Tickets to get in were five dollars a piece. We then went immediately to the petting zoo. We spent 1.00 on feed and fed the animals.
Next, we walked up and down the strip to see all the interesting food choices, games, side shows and rides. It's always fun to stroll and hold hands! I spent 75 cents seeing the smallest woman alive. I thought she would be babydoll small but she wasn't. She was small, but I've seen smaller people on TLC specials.
Next we picked two rides each and bought tickets. We chose to ride the ferris wheel and the skilift that goes across the fair. (neither of us cared to ride the fast rides!) The rides cost 7.50 per person for enough tickets to ride both, so 15 dollars total.
The Ski Lift
While riding the Ferris Wheel
Good Ole Southern Boy eating Biscuits
After one last look at the lights, I picked up one last treat - an icee for my sister. We dropped it off at her place (a couple miles away) and we went home, watched our DVR'd "How I Met Your Mother" and "Partners" and curled up with some cocoa.
If we were to go again, I might only do one ride and use the remaining money to try some naughty fair food like fried oreos :) But because we ate dinner already, homemade biscuits were enough!
Date Location: MS State Fair
Total cost: $26.75 (10 tickets, 15 rides, 1 food for animals, .75 smallest lady on earth)
Rating: 9 (loved a fun night under the lights with my fav guy; for the record, also love a fun night at the fair with a group of friends!)
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Cheap Date #1: Always say yes to Free Tickets
A few weeks ago, Dave and I went to "Zoo Party' to raise money for the local zoo. That was not our original plan, but last minute, my sweet friend WC offered us two free tickets and we decided to take him up on the offer.
So two 50 dollar tickets for free....which included alcohol and food from local restaurants and dancing. The event was fun -- I think it would have been a lot more fun if it wasn't on a weeknight because I would not have been so tired and we could have enjoyed the wine, beer and martini bar more. But, the weather was nice and we enjoyed hanging out with WC and seeing other friends. I used to go to more charity functions, but truth is, its pricy for two of us to go so I only go to a few events now.
While we were there, WC and Dave bought cigars. I even had a puff. Here are some pictures from the night....
The plus of not paying for tickets is none of us felt like we had to get our money's worth. WC left early and and we followed soonafter. We left early enough to go home, curl up and watch a couple episodes of tv on netflix...best of both worlds: a night out and a night in. If offered any more free tickets soon, I will for sure take advantage.
Date: Zoo Party, TV night
Location: Highland Village, Dave's house
Cost: $8 (cigar)
Fun on scale of 1 to 10: 7 (the event was only okay due to it being a weeknight, but it was free and the company was good!)
SO....say yes next time someone offers you a ticket to some event that may not be your usual scene. You might have fun :)
So two 50 dollar tickets for free....which included alcohol and food from local restaurants and dancing. The event was fun -- I think it would have been a lot more fun if it wasn't on a weeknight because I would not have been so tired and we could have enjoyed the wine, beer and martini bar more. But, the weather was nice and we enjoyed hanging out with WC and seeing other friends. I used to go to more charity functions, but truth is, its pricy for two of us to go so I only go to a few events now.
While we were there, WC and Dave bought cigars. I even had a puff. Here are some pictures from the night....
My cute date
My Other cute date (for part of the night) and the supplier of our tickets
The plus of not paying for tickets is none of us felt like we had to get our money's worth. WC left early and and we followed soonafter. We left early enough to go home, curl up and watch a couple episodes of tv on netflix...best of both worlds: a night out and a night in. If offered any more free tickets soon, I will for sure take advantage.
Date: Zoo Party, TV night
Location: Highland Village, Dave's house
Cost: $8 (cigar)
Fun on scale of 1 to 10: 7 (the event was only okay due to it being a weeknight, but it was free and the company was good!)
SO....say yes next time someone offers you a ticket to some event that may not be your usual scene. You might have fun :)
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
What I am reading Wednesday 10-10-2012
Here are some lovely articles you should all check out:
1. I love this article about the best relationships not always having the best storyline...you didn't meet on new years when your eyes caught his at a party? thats okay. I will do a whole post on this article one day because I can so relate. My first love was a very sweet story -- we were eachother's first kiss, first i love you, and we were getting married so we would have been the "only" in all these categories...but it ended horribly. In fact, most of my really 'sweet beginnings' have not gone well. Dave and I don't have a precious story (though there are precious moments and details) but we are currently going strong. SO, I really related to this article.
The author stated: "Because it’s boring to say that things don’t work out like they do in the movies. Everyone knows that. Even 21-year-olds. But it’s hard to resist a great story. If we had lasted, we would have had one hell of a story."
But then again, love is about more than a great story right??
2. This article is about pain after sorrow (specifically miscairrage) I don't know this specific pain, although I've known pain. I thought I'd pass it along.
3. This whole series on Sanctification is amazing so far and I can't wait to read the next installment. Here is Sanctification through Singleness and Sanctification through broken bodies.
4. This article is on avoiding desperation in dating...because being too desperate never leads anywhere good. Although i'd argue that a little neediness is good -- recognizing you need companionship and need grace when dating motivates you to give people chances. Ironically, I find that most people I know aren't desperate (thankfully), but they are too picky. I know many girls who want to date and talk about how others pass on men, but then they pass on men too. No need to be desperate and settle but also no need to expect a prince. However, if your value rests on a boy/girl's approval, if you are dating someone you feel you need to change for or feel is leading you away from Jesus, read this article. There has to be a middle ground between desperation and rediculous standards. I know we are ALL trying to find it.
1. I love this article about the best relationships not always having the best storyline...you didn't meet on new years when your eyes caught his at a party? thats okay. I will do a whole post on this article one day because I can so relate. My first love was a very sweet story -- we were eachother's first kiss, first i love you, and we were getting married so we would have been the "only" in all these categories...but it ended horribly. In fact, most of my really 'sweet beginnings' have not gone well. Dave and I don't have a precious story (though there are precious moments and details) but we are currently going strong. SO, I really related to this article.
The author stated: "Because it’s boring to say that things don’t work out like they do in the movies. Everyone knows that. Even 21-year-olds. But it’s hard to resist a great story. If we had lasted, we would have had one hell of a story."
But then again, love is about more than a great story right??
2. This article is about pain after sorrow (specifically miscairrage) I don't know this specific pain, although I've known pain. I thought I'd pass it along.
3. This whole series on Sanctification is amazing so far and I can't wait to read the next installment. Here is Sanctification through Singleness and Sanctification through broken bodies.
4. This article is on avoiding desperation in dating...because being too desperate never leads anywhere good. Although i'd argue that a little neediness is good -- recognizing you need companionship and need grace when dating motivates you to give people chances. Ironically, I find that most people I know aren't desperate (thankfully), but they are too picky. I know many girls who want to date and talk about how others pass on men, but then they pass on men too. No need to be desperate and settle but also no need to expect a prince. However, if your value rests on a boy/girl's approval, if you are dating someone you feel you need to change for or feel is leading you away from Jesus, read this article. There has to be a middle ground between desperation and rediculous standards. I know we are ALL trying to find it.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
What I am Reading Wednesday
1. God is not who I thought He Was (Jon Acuff) -- Thank goodness He isn't who I thought he was, because sometimes my view of Him have been lacking. I could really relate to this concept of "unlearning God" We have preconceived incorrect notions about a lot of things in life, including our Savior.
2.Another Jon Acuff article on grace, forgiveness, not needing to be perfect, etc. "I know in my head that, when you give us grace, you are not finishing the process of forgiveness, you are beginning it."
3. I am dating a boy that loves to tell me (a very black and white thinker) to think outside the box which is why I enjoyed this article about holding on to God's words, expecting Him to do marvelous things and seeing God outside our limited box view.
4. WORST MARRIAGE PROPOSAL EVER. seriously, folks, if this happened to me, I'd say NO, try again. Not because I am mean, but because this was cruel.
5. I loved this article encouraging men to deal with the fears of rejection and man up. Women risk rejection in different ways than men so all have to be willing to take a risk.
6. Ever questioned if God really has your best interest at heart? I suppose if you have been hurt or waited for anything in life, then you probably have. THIS ARTICLE was one of the most encouraging articles I have read in weeks, not because it provided answers, but because it summed up what many of us have felt before.
7. Delaying sex improves marriage? SURPRISE SURPRISE. Granted, this statistically speaking, not specific to everyone. But, on the whole, delaying sex imrovees communication, sexual quality, relationship satisfaction and stability. It's nice when obediance has benefits
8. This is a good article on a trend I have seen lately: making families and marriage an idol. This article talks about making God's gifts into gods.You see this in small "noble" ways like obsession with a certain type of schooling, birthing, parenting style in which you believe you are superior if you do those things (not attacking a certain type of parenting style) and you also see this in pettier areas such as exclusive young mom groups at churches. AND I think this notion of making God's gifts into gods applies to lots of things: career, enjoying your single days, obsession with marriage or boyfriends, college football (gulp), friends, etc.
2.Another Jon Acuff article on grace, forgiveness, not needing to be perfect, etc. "I know in my head that, when you give us grace, you are not finishing the process of forgiveness, you are beginning it."
3. I am dating a boy that loves to tell me (a very black and white thinker) to think outside the box which is why I enjoyed this article about holding on to God's words, expecting Him to do marvelous things and seeing God outside our limited box view.
4. WORST MARRIAGE PROPOSAL EVER. seriously, folks, if this happened to me, I'd say NO, try again. Not because I am mean, but because this was cruel.
5. I loved this article encouraging men to deal with the fears of rejection and man up. Women risk rejection in different ways than men so all have to be willing to take a risk.
6. Ever questioned if God really has your best interest at heart? I suppose if you have been hurt or waited for anything in life, then you probably have. THIS ARTICLE was one of the most encouraging articles I have read in weeks, not because it provided answers, but because it summed up what many of us have felt before.
7. Delaying sex improves marriage? SURPRISE SURPRISE. Granted, this statistically speaking, not specific to everyone. But, on the whole, delaying sex imrovees communication, sexual quality, relationship satisfaction and stability. It's nice when obediance has benefits
8. This is a good article on a trend I have seen lately: making families and marriage an idol. This article talks about making God's gifts into gods.You see this in small "noble" ways like obsession with a certain type of schooling, birthing, parenting style in which you believe you are superior if you do those things (not attacking a certain type of parenting style) and you also see this in pettier areas such as exclusive young mom groups at churches. AND I think this notion of making God's gifts into gods applies to lots of things: career, enjoying your single days, obsession with marriage or boyfriends, college football (gulp), friends, etc.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Love at First (Second, Third, etc...) Sight
This blog post, Love and Fifth Sight made me think about falling in love. Can you really fall in love at first sight? And more importantly, do you have to "click" immediately? Is chemistry expected from day one?
How long does it take to click with another person? Does it happen immediately or does it sometimes take a few dates before you have that chemistry?
I'm a big believer in the fact that chemistry and a strong connection doesn't have to happen on date one for it to be a great relationship. Thats why I have always been willing to invest a few dates. Some people are awkward on first dates. There's nervousness. Someone could be tired or have had a bad day or sensitive because of stress or other problems. Someone may be a little closed (without knowing it) because of their last relationship ending poorly or commitment fears, etc.... You may have tons and common but not feel that click immediately. So, I willingly invest a few dates, no harm in trying. And, I often encourage my friends to do the same.
I'm also a big believer that chemistry isn't everything, that people spend so much time chasing this idea of "butterflies" that they overlook people that have common interests, compatability, commitment, mutual respect, etc. Love isn't always butterflies.
However, despite being a big supporter of that idea -- the whole clicking on date 3, 4, or 5 has never happened to me. Of the few guys I have "clicked" with, that chemistry happened immediately. In fact, I have practiced my theory before with guys before, giving "us" a shot for a few more dates, hoping we clicked- and in the end, there ended up being no chemistry, even a few dates in, although a heck of a lot of respect and friendliness. However, I know people who didn't hit it off with their hubbies or bf's at first but said yes to a second date because they knew the guy's character and ended up falling in love. So, this theory must work for some people, just never me.
What do y'all think? How essential is chemistry - longterm and in the very beginning? Any success stories of falling in love with guys you didn't click with on date #1? I'd love to hear them!
PS- sorry for the boring "analytical" post (although I really am curious about your answers), but I have a special treat for y'all!!! I have a couple blog posts I am working on about missions and a favorite family of mine who are going on the missions field. GET EXCITED!!
How long does it take to click with another person? Does it happen immediately or does it sometimes take a few dates before you have that chemistry?
I'm a big believer in the fact that chemistry and a strong connection doesn't have to happen on date one for it to be a great relationship. Thats why I have always been willing to invest a few dates. Some people are awkward on first dates. There's nervousness. Someone could be tired or have had a bad day or sensitive because of stress or other problems. Someone may be a little closed (without knowing it) because of their last relationship ending poorly or commitment fears, etc.... You may have tons and common but not feel that click immediately. So, I willingly invest a few dates, no harm in trying. And, I often encourage my friends to do the same.
I'm also a big believer that chemistry isn't everything, that people spend so much time chasing this idea of "butterflies" that they overlook people that have common interests, compatability, commitment, mutual respect, etc. Love isn't always butterflies.
However, despite being a big supporter of that idea -- the whole clicking on date 3, 4, or 5 has never happened to me. Of the few guys I have "clicked" with, that chemistry happened immediately. In fact, I have practiced my theory before with guys before, giving "us" a shot for a few more dates, hoping we clicked- and in the end, there ended up being no chemistry, even a few dates in, although a heck of a lot of respect and friendliness. However, I know people who didn't hit it off with their hubbies or bf's at first but said yes to a second date because they knew the guy's character and ended up falling in love. So, this theory must work for some people, just never me.
What do y'all think? How essential is chemistry - longterm and in the very beginning? Any success stories of falling in love with guys you didn't click with on date #1? I'd love to hear them!
PS- sorry for the boring "analytical" post (although I really am curious about your answers), but I have a special treat for y'all!!! I have a couple blog posts I am working on about missions and a favorite family of mine who are going on the missions field. GET EXCITED!!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Long Distance Dating Part 2: Tips
TODAY my fave guy moves to Jackson (I'm grinning from ear to ear). To celebrate the end of distance dating, I am doing a couple posts on Long Distance Dating starting with this post.
Long Distance Dating has its challenges, so here are my tips:
(1) Flirty Texts, Concerned Texts, Loving Texts - A LITTLE EXTRA AFFIRMATION
Why do I say texts? Because most of us work and can't be on the phone all day and because texts can be read multiple times and make you smile over and over!! Its so easy for daily chatter to become about what you did at work and what your plans are tonight. This is a vital part of any relationship (no doubt!) - but when you are dating long distance, you don't get to show ANY affection - no, 'You look nice today' or quick hugs hello or a squeeze of the hand. That's why fun texts that encourage, express affection, or flirt are necessary....words are an essential way of showing affection long distance. I made it my goal to never let a day go by where I did not say something sweet (I hope I can keep this goal up now that we live 15 min apart!)
(2) Phone calls (the obvious tip)
I've never felt a need to have long calls with boys I've dated when we live in the same town. Its not necessary to finish dinner with him and then go home and talk to him for an hour. But calls are important when dating long distance...even short ones just to say hey, hows your day? And, I used to wait for Dave to call me, but now I try to make an effort to call him too, even if I only have 15 minutes.
(3) Alternate visits.
It's easy (as the girl) to put all the pressure on the man to come see you. But this gets expensive and exhausting for one person to do. We certainly weren't tit for tat....he might visit a few times in a row then I would visit a couple times, etc. But, I didn't leave the responsibility of travelling only on him. Share the burden.
(4) PLAN PLAN PLAN.
It's a little harder to just "hang out" when you are dating long distance. You can't call your BF and say "Let's go get ice cream or ride bikes or see a movie today." Dave is not a planner, I am. This probably (re: definitely) drove him crazy that we had to plan our wkds ahead of time, but I think we both quickly learned we had to be willing to plan for which weekends we were travelling (this doesn't mean you have to plan the weekend out, BUT it doesn mean you have to plan that there will be a weekend together!)
(5) BUT...allow for some surprises
I had court near Dave's hometown one day and randomly called and said, "I just found out I will be near you, want to meet up?" He worked his schedule out to see me. He got off work early one day and called and asked if he could come see me, and I willingly said yes and made last minute plans of what to cook. Having a few surprises is fun and made me realize that if I ever really needed him, he would be there..and vice versa.
(6) Time off.
This sounds silly since long distance relationships mean you have lots of time off. But I mean, don't book every weekend. I think we saw eachother 3 out of 4 wkds on average. It gets exhausting travelling or hosting. Sometimes you need girl time or a weekend where you do nothing. Be willing to give yourselves a break from the driving!
(7) Have your own life.
This isn't hard for me- or for Dave. But I think some couples maybe are a little more dependent than we are. Long distance dating might not work in those circumstances. You have to be fine doing your own thing, because you will have to do that a lot. In fact, enjoy doing your own thing. One of the blessings of distance dating is that you can still have plenty of alone time or friend time!!
(8) Set Traditions
Have silly traditions that seem consistant even when your schedules and time together aren't consistant. IE, almost every day, I get a good morning text or send one. We always say good night or text it. I know, silly stuff, but knowing there was something constant made things better.
(9) Celebrate
Have countdowns, plan special things when you are together -- spend more time looking forward to when you are together than pouting because you aren't.
(10) Prioritize.
This is obviously a basic tip for any relationship, but its particularly important when dating someone from somewhere else....We couldn't attend every date function, every family event, so its really important that we prioritized AND made it clear which events were important. I know there were times when I said, "Nah, don't worry about coming to X" and times when I said, "Actually, I really would like you to come to X"
(11) Have an end plan.
After a few months in, you have to know long distance has an end date. Will one or both of you move? When? We were lucky to know from the day we met that Dave was moving in August. You can't date long distance indefinitely. What made long distance dating easier was realizing it wasn't long distance forever -- one day it would end.
(11) Fight quickly
Like any other couple, you will fight during your time together - over big things, over little things. What was most challenging for me is that you have to move on quickly (and in a way, this was probably good for us because we couldn't dwell long) Normally, you might fight with someone and have a few hours or days to calm down. We would disagree, discuss it, try to solve it, and literally have to go right back into "being ok" and enjoying our time together. You have to be able to just move on. You only have 2-3 days together so you can only waste an hour or two being mad. This was challenging to learn, but I think I got better as we went on.
(12) Begin on a good note and end on a good note.
Begin with a hug, a couple minutes together and a kind word. Try to end the same way. Ideally, even if you are going out with friends, try to begin/end alone. This is not always an option, but even if we are meeting up with others, I generally tried to have a few minutes with Dave at my house when he first arrived. When I would visit him, he would walk outside of his house to my car (to say hello and grab my bag) so we had a couple minutes to say hello before we begin hanging out with everyone inside. We always walk eachother to the car when a weekend is over. It felt like the last few minutes were ours.
(13) Bear with eachother.
Patience is a virtue needed in any relationship, but especially long distance dating. Sometimes, you may have to stay on the phone later than you intended because the other person is having a bad day. Sometimes you may not hear from the other person because they are out with friends. It's frustrating because you can't just say, "Thats okay, I will see you tomorrow." Patience and forgiveness are probably the best gifts you can give eachother.
*NOTE: I have never done CROSS COUNTRY DATING or OVERSEAS DATING, etc.... so I am sure that what I am saying based on 2 hours apart (or, in another relationship, 4.5 hrs apart) is not helpful to all, but its just a few tips from my own experiances. Some of the basics probably apply to any distance.
Long Distance Dating has its challenges, so here are my tips:
(1) Flirty Texts, Concerned Texts, Loving Texts - A LITTLE EXTRA AFFIRMATION
Why do I say texts? Because most of us work and can't be on the phone all day and because texts can be read multiple times and make you smile over and over!! Its so easy for daily chatter to become about what you did at work and what your plans are tonight. This is a vital part of any relationship (no doubt!) - but when you are dating long distance, you don't get to show ANY affection - no, 'You look nice today' or quick hugs hello or a squeeze of the hand. That's why fun texts that encourage, express affection, or flirt are necessary....words are an essential way of showing affection long distance. I made it my goal to never let a day go by where I did not say something sweet (I hope I can keep this goal up now that we live 15 min apart!)
(2) Phone calls (the obvious tip)
I've never felt a need to have long calls with boys I've dated when we live in the same town. Its not necessary to finish dinner with him and then go home and talk to him for an hour. But calls are important when dating long distance...even short ones just to say hey, hows your day? And, I used to wait for Dave to call me, but now I try to make an effort to call him too, even if I only have 15 minutes.
(3) Alternate visits.
It's easy (as the girl) to put all the pressure on the man to come see you. But this gets expensive and exhausting for one person to do. We certainly weren't tit for tat....he might visit a few times in a row then I would visit a couple times, etc. But, I didn't leave the responsibility of travelling only on him. Share the burden.
(4) PLAN PLAN PLAN.
It's a little harder to just "hang out" when you are dating long distance. You can't call your BF and say "Let's go get ice cream or ride bikes or see a movie today." Dave is not a planner, I am. This probably (re: definitely) drove him crazy that we had to plan our wkds ahead of time, but I think we both quickly learned we had to be willing to plan for which weekends we were travelling (this doesn't mean you have to plan the weekend out, BUT it doesn mean you have to plan that there will be a weekend together!)
(5) BUT...allow for some surprises
I had court near Dave's hometown one day and randomly called and said, "I just found out I will be near you, want to meet up?" He worked his schedule out to see me. He got off work early one day and called and asked if he could come see me, and I willingly said yes and made last minute plans of what to cook. Having a few surprises is fun and made me realize that if I ever really needed him, he would be there..and vice versa.
(6) Time off.
This sounds silly since long distance relationships mean you have lots of time off. But I mean, don't book every weekend. I think we saw eachother 3 out of 4 wkds on average. It gets exhausting travelling or hosting. Sometimes you need girl time or a weekend where you do nothing. Be willing to give yourselves a break from the driving!
(7) Have your own life.
This isn't hard for me- or for Dave. But I think some couples maybe are a little more dependent than we are. Long distance dating might not work in those circumstances. You have to be fine doing your own thing, because you will have to do that a lot. In fact, enjoy doing your own thing. One of the blessings of distance dating is that you can still have plenty of alone time or friend time!!
(8) Set Traditions
Have silly traditions that seem consistant even when your schedules and time together aren't consistant. IE, almost every day, I get a good morning text or send one. We always say good night or text it. I know, silly stuff, but knowing there was something constant made things better.
(9) Celebrate
Have countdowns, plan special things when you are together -- spend more time looking forward to when you are together than pouting because you aren't.
(10) Prioritize.
This is obviously a basic tip for any relationship, but its particularly important when dating someone from somewhere else....We couldn't attend every date function, every family event, so its really important that we prioritized AND made it clear which events were important. I know there were times when I said, "Nah, don't worry about coming to X" and times when I said, "Actually, I really would like you to come to X"
(11) Have an end plan.
After a few months in, you have to know long distance has an end date. Will one or both of you move? When? We were lucky to know from the day we met that Dave was moving in August. You can't date long distance indefinitely. What made long distance dating easier was realizing it wasn't long distance forever -- one day it would end.
(11) Fight quickly
Like any other couple, you will fight during your time together - over big things, over little things. What was most challenging for me is that you have to move on quickly (and in a way, this was probably good for us because we couldn't dwell long) Normally, you might fight with someone and have a few hours or days to calm down. We would disagree, discuss it, try to solve it, and literally have to go right back into "being ok" and enjoying our time together. You have to be able to just move on. You only have 2-3 days together so you can only waste an hour or two being mad. This was challenging to learn, but I think I got better as we went on.
(12) Begin on a good note and end on a good note.
Begin with a hug, a couple minutes together and a kind word. Try to end the same way. Ideally, even if you are going out with friends, try to begin/end alone. This is not always an option, but even if we are meeting up with others, I generally tried to have a few minutes with Dave at my house when he first arrived. When I would visit him, he would walk outside of his house to my car (to say hello and grab my bag) so we had a couple minutes to say hello before we begin hanging out with everyone inside. We always walk eachother to the car when a weekend is over. It felt like the last few minutes were ours.
(13) Bear with eachother.
Patience is a virtue needed in any relationship, but especially long distance dating. Sometimes, you may have to stay on the phone later than you intended because the other person is having a bad day. Sometimes you may not hear from the other person because they are out with friends. It's frustrating because you can't just say, "Thats okay, I will see you tomorrow." Patience and forgiveness are probably the best gifts you can give eachother.
*NOTE: I have never done CROSS COUNTRY DATING or OVERSEAS DATING, etc.... so I am sure that what I am saying based on 2 hours apart (or, in another relationship, 4.5 hrs apart) is not helpful to all, but its just a few tips from my own experiances. Some of the basics probably apply to any distance.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Long Distance Dating Part 1: PLUSES
This is my last week of long distance dating (well I hope my last week, but atleast my last week for the forseeable future!) Dave is moving to Jackson this weekend for his 5th year of architecture school...so we will live in the same town in 4-6 days BUT who's counting, right?
This is the second time in my life I have dated long distance and despite the fact that NO ONE would choose to date long distance, I have actually really cherished this time. We both agree it has been very formative in our relationship....and not just formative in the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" way. I've heard a lot of people say they would never date long distance, and to be honest, I think thats silly. You never KNOW where the right man for you will be living. Why say no to a date?
But, for the "NEVER" crowd, you are right, a few NEVERS apply: NEVER date long distance for too long if there is not talk of a timeline where one or the both of you will move. NEVER date long distance too long if neither of you has any intention of compromising and moving (IE, if a cali boy could never move to MS, and a MS girl could never move to cali, and they have no place they are both willing to move in between, then don't keep dating -- if you can't compromise, then you may not like the person enough to continue the relationship), NEVER casually date someone long distance.
That being said, here are the plus sides of long distance dating:
1. You decide how serious you are really quickly. I've dated casually a LOT and sometimes it takes awhile to figure out my feelings. But when I had to make such a big effort to see Dave, it forced me to examine how I felt very quickly.
2. You have more certainty about how the other person feels. I knew he liked me. He willingly drove to see me and made an effort to call. When guys call you Thursday night to grab a drink Friday, you aren't always sure how he feels -- is he excited to see you or was his night just free and he needed plans? LIKEWISE, Dave knew I liked him. Girls sometimes don't have to make much of an effort early on because the man is pursuing...but when a girl has to make an effort to drive 2 hours, then I think its clear she must have feelings.
3. Improved communication skills from hours on the phone (obvi)
4. Equal effort. NOT completely equal, as in, we don't measure things out -- but instead of those first few months requiring Dave to figure out every single date out, often times I figured out plans for us. If he was driving into town, we'd meet up with friends.
5. Flirty sweet text messages.
6. Every visit/date/etc feels special.
7. 2 honeymoon phases. Not there yet, but about to be. Dave and I have rarely done daily tasks together like watch weeknight tv, run errands, get coffee, go for a night time bike ride or walk, etc. We don't know the freedom of being able to just see eachother without PLANNING it out. We are now excited for some of the small things most people are excited about early on. We like it-- kindof like a new exciting phase for us.
8. There is the whole "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" motto which is true.
9. While starting to date Dave, I didn't jump in and abandon friends. I still had time for them and he still had time for his life too. It was great to have that sense of balance that distance supplies.
10. ability to spoil eachother. Rarely does Dave leave Jackson without cookies in hand. Silly as it may seem, I always view it as me taking care of him throughout the week. I certainly hope to keep that up now that its not as "necessary". Hopefully, distance trained me well.
11. Lots of hello and goodbye kisses.
12. weekly countdowns
13. space -- every couple needs it, those who date longdistance have it built in! we don't have a choice!
14. Plenty of moments when I don't have to dress up. Dave doesnt know when he is talking on the phone if I have makeup on or my hair done!
15. BUT this creates a desire to try and look my best when I do see him. I do have those moments on the couch in sweats, but fewer of those than other girls have with their guys. Its fun to still want to dress up for him.
16. Not seeing him daily encourages me to pray for him daily. I dont think I would do that as much if I saw him daily.
So, there you have it, some of the PLUSES from dating long distance. Its not all goodbyes and waiting by the phone. There are some pluses for doing this for a short period of time. Just some advice for anyone considering dating someone in a different city, state, etc.
This is the second time in my life I have dated long distance and despite the fact that NO ONE would choose to date long distance, I have actually really cherished this time. We both agree it has been very formative in our relationship....and not just formative in the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" way. I've heard a lot of people say they would never date long distance, and to be honest, I think thats silly. You never KNOW where the right man for you will be living. Why say no to a date?
But, for the "NEVER" crowd, you are right, a few NEVERS apply: NEVER date long distance for too long if there is not talk of a timeline where one or the both of you will move. NEVER date long distance too long if neither of you has any intention of compromising and moving (IE, if a cali boy could never move to MS, and a MS girl could never move to cali, and they have no place they are both willing to move in between, then don't keep dating -- if you can't compromise, then you may not like the person enough to continue the relationship), NEVER casually date someone long distance.
That being said, here are the plus sides of long distance dating:
1. You decide how serious you are really quickly. I've dated casually a LOT and sometimes it takes awhile to figure out my feelings. But when I had to make such a big effort to see Dave, it forced me to examine how I felt very quickly.
2. You have more certainty about how the other person feels. I knew he liked me. He willingly drove to see me and made an effort to call. When guys call you Thursday night to grab a drink Friday, you aren't always sure how he feels -- is he excited to see you or was his night just free and he needed plans? LIKEWISE, Dave knew I liked him. Girls sometimes don't have to make much of an effort early on because the man is pursuing...but when a girl has to make an effort to drive 2 hours, then I think its clear she must have feelings.
3. Improved communication skills from hours on the phone (obvi)
4. Equal effort. NOT completely equal, as in, we don't measure things out -- but instead of those first few months requiring Dave to figure out every single date out, often times I figured out plans for us. If he was driving into town, we'd meet up with friends.
5. Flirty sweet text messages.
6. Every visit/date/etc feels special.
7. 2 honeymoon phases. Not there yet, but about to be. Dave and I have rarely done daily tasks together like watch weeknight tv, run errands, get coffee, go for a night time bike ride or walk, etc. We don't know the freedom of being able to just see eachother without PLANNING it out. We are now excited for some of the small things most people are excited about early on. We like it-- kindof like a new exciting phase for us.
8. There is the whole "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" motto which is true.
9. While starting to date Dave, I didn't jump in and abandon friends. I still had time for them and he still had time for his life too. It was great to have that sense of balance that distance supplies.
10. ability to spoil eachother. Rarely does Dave leave Jackson without cookies in hand. Silly as it may seem, I always view it as me taking care of him throughout the week. I certainly hope to keep that up now that its not as "necessary". Hopefully, distance trained me well.
11. Lots of hello and goodbye kisses.
12. weekly countdowns
13. space -- every couple needs it, those who date longdistance have it built in! we don't have a choice!
14. Plenty of moments when I don't have to dress up. Dave doesnt know when he is talking on the phone if I have makeup on or my hair done!
15. BUT this creates a desire to try and look my best when I do see him. I do have those moments on the couch in sweats, but fewer of those than other girls have with their guys. Its fun to still want to dress up for him.
16. Not seeing him daily encourages me to pray for him daily. I dont think I would do that as much if I saw him daily.
So, there you have it, some of the PLUSES from dating long distance. Its not all goodbyes and waiting by the phone. There are some pluses for doing this for a short period of time. Just some advice for anyone considering dating someone in a different city, state, etc.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
What to do if you didn't kiss dating goodbye.....
I started a post on the Chick Fil A mess yesterday but my blogger is messed up. I had a humorous picture to attatch but it would not allow me to attach photos or links. So hopefully it will be out of this funky mood soon and I can attach.
But, I did have something else I wanted to share....which applies to all of life, but in this post, I am applying it to dating (surprise surprise....) Yesterday my friend and I were talking about dating and how Joshua Harris got it wrong. (He's the author of "I kissed dating goodbye", and sidenote: I never kissed dating goodbye and oftentimes think that those who did really just weren't getting asked out and needed an excuse for it) I'm not saying that his ideal isn't wonderful and in some cases, idealistic and perfect-- date/court only one person, fall in love with said person and get married. But, what I am saying is that rarely happens -- due to our sin or others' sin or living in a sinful world. So, what do when that isn't our ideal? What about those of us who don't marry their high school sweethearts or save our first kisses for our husband or avoid broken hearts throughout the crazy 20s?? Are we doomed to less than fulfilling marriages? Are we somehow "less than" in God's eyes? Can he still use us in marriages, families and life in general?
According to many Christian singles resources, NO. or atleast, "on a diminished level". But, according to the gospel, YES. Yes, God uses sinners, yes God uses the injured, Yes God uses victims. and Yes, God can bless them all. In fact, I see more versions of "less than ideal" circumstances in the Bible than I see of "ideal circumstances"
My friend and I spent a good time yesterday talking about the painful situations we know/ others/
ourselves/etc are in based on sin....broken hearts, rape, sexual compromise, pregnancy, STDs, dishonesty in relationships, cheating, being cheated on, etc etc. It was a very discouraging conversation until we started talking about how we had seen God use certain people and their stories or how we couldn't wait to see how he used them for His glory.
This is how our convo ended:
"Suck It Joshua Harris, this is the real world and real redemption."
"Yes, stories like these are good. We serve a God who is faithful when we aren't. We serve a God who can redeem the worst situations. Thats what the Bible is full of - stories like ours, stories like these. Not people who kissed dating goodbye."
And for some reason I feel compelled to share that message. If you got married young, if you courted instead of dated, if you've never kissed a boy or broke someone's heart or had yours broken, then good for you, really (I don't mean this in a condescending way!) You have been spared some pain and you made some good decisions. (Although, even then, I am in no way naive enough to believe you have been immune to heartache, lust, rejection, death, childlessness, etc etc) BUT FOR THE REST OF US, turn to scripture and see how God uses people like us, see how He redeems situations.
So what should we do when broken hearts, damaged relationship, sex and its consequences are a part of most Christian's histories in some way or another? Turn to Him. I think what keeps many people from running into the arms of God when they have sinned or been hurt relationally is the idea that seems to seep into Christianity that you are now somehow lacking (which you are, but no more than anyone else because we are all sinful!). I've seen people who get so down on themselves that they continue to live a lifestyle they shouldn't because they think that's all they deserve now. I've read many articles that tell you that your marriage and sex life is only doomed to suffer because of your past hurts and sins....and yes, we all have to work through sins in marriages and past decisions can be hard to work through, I think sending the message that you will always have lacking relationships only encourages people to remain in despair, sin and pain. They are being told, "Don't bother trying, God can't redeem YOUR sin. He can't restore YOUR brokeness. Yes, he can redeem judgmentalness, gossip, anger, etc, but not sexual sin, not brokeness from relationships." I've spent far too long after broken relationships thinking who would want someone with so much pain and baggage attached to her history? Instead of looking at the baggage, I should look to how the Lord has redeemed the past-- trading sorrow for joy, pain for wisdom and growth. I am the person I am today because of the path He allowed me to take.
If I could share one thing with people my age, that would be it. I've thankfully been spared from a lot. Others have not. But their lives are not doomed. How do I know that God can redeem their lives despite brokeness and sin? Joshua Harris told me, just kidding...I read scriptures and learned of David (adulturer who was also considered a man after God's own heart), Rahab (prostitute who helped the Isrealites and is one of the few women listed in the lineage of Jesus), Ruth (pagan widow with bitter mother in law who grew up in a promiscuous culture and was dirt poor when the Lord blessed her with a godly spouse and lineage towards Jesus), Hannah (who was crying in the temple for a long awaited child when the priest thought she was a drunk crazy lady -- God blessed her with a son after her tears and prayers!)
At the end of the day, the story line is about God's glory --- and yes, I think happy pure courtships glorify God. I also think redeemed wild boys and recovering divorcees can be used for His glory too. The gospel has very little to do with our perfection anyways (thankfully), so His perfection is shown to be even brighter amidst our brokeness.
I feel like a mom or a teacher or youth leader with my rant today, but I felt like its something I needed to share: Your past, your sin, your hurts are not too big for our savior to REDEEM. So if you didn't kiss dating goodbye, don't fret, run to the arms of our Lord.
But, I did have something else I wanted to share....which applies to all of life, but in this post, I am applying it to dating (surprise surprise....) Yesterday my friend and I were talking about dating and how Joshua Harris got it wrong. (He's the author of "I kissed dating goodbye", and sidenote: I never kissed dating goodbye and oftentimes think that those who did really just weren't getting asked out and needed an excuse for it) I'm not saying that his ideal isn't wonderful and in some cases, idealistic and perfect-- date/court only one person, fall in love with said person and get married. But, what I am saying is that rarely happens -- due to our sin or others' sin or living in a sinful world. So, what do when that isn't our ideal? What about those of us who don't marry their high school sweethearts or save our first kisses for our husband or avoid broken hearts throughout the crazy 20s?? Are we doomed to less than fulfilling marriages? Are we somehow "less than" in God's eyes? Can he still use us in marriages, families and life in general?
According to many Christian singles resources, NO. or atleast, "on a diminished level". But, according to the gospel, YES. Yes, God uses sinners, yes God uses the injured, Yes God uses victims. and Yes, God can bless them all. In fact, I see more versions of "less than ideal" circumstances in the Bible than I see of "ideal circumstances"
My friend and I spent a good time yesterday talking about the painful situations we know/ others/
ourselves/etc are in based on sin....broken hearts, rape, sexual compromise, pregnancy, STDs, dishonesty in relationships, cheating, being cheated on, etc etc. It was a very discouraging conversation until we started talking about how we had seen God use certain people and their stories or how we couldn't wait to see how he used them for His glory.
This is how our convo ended:
"Suck It Joshua Harris, this is the real world and real redemption."
"Yes, stories like these are good. We serve a God who is faithful when we aren't. We serve a God who can redeem the worst situations. Thats what the Bible is full of - stories like ours, stories like these. Not people who kissed dating goodbye."
And for some reason I feel compelled to share that message. If you got married young, if you courted instead of dated, if you've never kissed a boy or broke someone's heart or had yours broken, then good for you, really (I don't mean this in a condescending way!) You have been spared some pain and you made some good decisions. (Although, even then, I am in no way naive enough to believe you have been immune to heartache, lust, rejection, death, childlessness, etc etc) BUT FOR THE REST OF US, turn to scripture and see how God uses people like us, see how He redeems situations.
So what should we do when broken hearts, damaged relationship, sex and its consequences are a part of most Christian's histories in some way or another? Turn to Him. I think what keeps many people from running into the arms of God when they have sinned or been hurt relationally is the idea that seems to seep into Christianity that you are now somehow lacking (which you are, but no more than anyone else because we are all sinful!). I've seen people who get so down on themselves that they continue to live a lifestyle they shouldn't because they think that's all they deserve now. I've read many articles that tell you that your marriage and sex life is only doomed to suffer because of your past hurts and sins....and yes, we all have to work through sins in marriages and past decisions can be hard to work through, I think sending the message that you will always have lacking relationships only encourages people to remain in despair, sin and pain. They are being told, "Don't bother trying, God can't redeem YOUR sin. He can't restore YOUR brokeness. Yes, he can redeem judgmentalness, gossip, anger, etc, but not sexual sin, not brokeness from relationships." I've spent far too long after broken relationships thinking who would want someone with so much pain and baggage attached to her history? Instead of looking at the baggage, I should look to how the Lord has redeemed the past-- trading sorrow for joy, pain for wisdom and growth. I am the person I am today because of the path He allowed me to take.
If I could share one thing with people my age, that would be it. I've thankfully been spared from a lot. Others have not. But their lives are not doomed. How do I know that God can redeem their lives despite brokeness and sin? Joshua Harris told me, just kidding...I read scriptures and learned of David (adulturer who was also considered a man after God's own heart), Rahab (prostitute who helped the Isrealites and is one of the few women listed in the lineage of Jesus), Ruth (pagan widow with bitter mother in law who grew up in a promiscuous culture and was dirt poor when the Lord blessed her with a godly spouse and lineage towards Jesus), Hannah (who was crying in the temple for a long awaited child when the priest thought she was a drunk crazy lady -- God blessed her with a son after her tears and prayers!)
At the end of the day, the story line is about God's glory --- and yes, I think happy pure courtships glorify God. I also think redeemed wild boys and recovering divorcees can be used for His glory too. The gospel has very little to do with our perfection anyways (thankfully), so His perfection is shown to be even brighter amidst our brokeness.
I feel like a mom or a teacher or youth leader with my rant today, but I felt like its something I needed to share: Your past, your sin, your hurts are not too big for our savior to REDEEM. So if you didn't kiss dating goodbye, don't fret, run to the arms of our Lord.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Dating/Relationship Series #8: Apologize
I have been doing a series on dating and relationships (how to date, where to meet guys, important things when dating) I am considering following this up with a singleness series...
I think an important part of relationships (and not just dating relationships) is the ability to apologize WELL. or for some people, just learning to apologize would be a step up. This past week I had a situation where I had to accept that someone who had wronged me was not going to apologize, just pretend nothing happened. So, eventually I swallowed my pride and started acting like things were normal. This frustrates me because the issue was never resolved.
One plus from this situation is that it got me thinking how horrible this would be for Dave and me if we didn't apologize. I thought of how when he wrongs me or I wrong him, I am always so relieved for an apology and resolution.
Men, this is important to women because we hate to feel things are not okay. Also, we place a high value on being understood. So, when someone I am dating sees how he upset me and acknowledges that, it makes me feel immediately better because he understood what hurt me. Basically, an apology is like saying "I am sorry I did not understand or show you love by _____"
Women, men need apologies because they need respect. I know, personally, when I am apologizing, its oftentimes for being too critical, too quick to react and get upset. Essentially I am saying "I am sorry I was so disrespectful that I _____"
No one likes a half-a** apology. No one likes to apologize all the time while the other person doesn't make an effort. No one likes when situations are swept under the rug with no apology.
Here are a few apology tips:
1. Acknowledge what you did wrong. Don't pin it on them.
SAY: "I am sorry that I snapped at you. I was wrong to overreact."
NOT: "I am sorry you got upset over what I said."
2. Ask forgiveness
3. Ask how you can make it right/offer to make it right...either now or in the future.
Example: I know I hurt you by being overly critical about this issue, I've been grumpy lately because
I'm tired. Can I take a night to rest and discuss it over coffee/ice cream/dinner tomorrow?
4. Sincerety.
5. When in doubt, apologize. Were you grumpy or inconsiderate? Just say, "hey, I was moody with you this morning and I'm sorry."
6. Have some grace.
Obviously there is a place for grace in apologies. Sometimes people don't know you're upset or may know that he or she upset you but want to just move on and not address it, so you have to decide if its a big enough issue that it will be hard for you to move on without bitterness. Sometimes its not a big deal (unkind words because he/she was tired) and sometimes it is a big deal. Sometimes, you are gracious and move on and sometimes you lovingly bring it
Part of having grace is accepting the apology and offering forgiveness.
7. Don't make one person initiate all the time.
Often times, both parties were wrong....one was inconsiderate and then the other snapped, etc.... It's frustrating if one person always initiates the apology process, so make sure that sometimes you acknowledge your sin first and seek forgiveness. Better yet, both parties should be racing to make things right before the other one...outdo eachother in love right?
8. Apologize....then move on.
Sometimes, an apology may require some discussion...on how things can be handled better, etc....but once you offer that forgiveness, let go of your resentment.
I think an important part of relationships (and not just dating relationships) is the ability to apologize WELL. or for some people, just learning to apologize would be a step up. This past week I had a situation where I had to accept that someone who had wronged me was not going to apologize, just pretend nothing happened. So, eventually I swallowed my pride and started acting like things were normal. This frustrates me because the issue was never resolved.
One plus from this situation is that it got me thinking how horrible this would be for Dave and me if we didn't apologize. I thought of how when he wrongs me or I wrong him, I am always so relieved for an apology and resolution.
Men, this is important to women because we hate to feel things are not okay. Also, we place a high value on being understood. So, when someone I am dating sees how he upset me and acknowledges that, it makes me feel immediately better because he understood what hurt me. Basically, an apology is like saying "I am sorry I did not understand or show you love by _____"
Women, men need apologies because they need respect. I know, personally, when I am apologizing, its oftentimes for being too critical, too quick to react and get upset. Essentially I am saying "I am sorry I was so disrespectful that I _____"
No one likes a half-a** apology. No one likes to apologize all the time while the other person doesn't make an effort. No one likes when situations are swept under the rug with no apology.
Here are a few apology tips:
1. Acknowledge what you did wrong. Don't pin it on them.
SAY: "I am sorry that I snapped at you. I was wrong to overreact."
NOT: "I am sorry you got upset over what I said."
2. Ask forgiveness
3. Ask how you can make it right/offer to make it right...either now or in the future.
Example: I know I hurt you by being overly critical about this issue, I've been grumpy lately because
I'm tired. Can I take a night to rest and discuss it over coffee/ice cream/dinner tomorrow?
4. Sincerety.
5. When in doubt, apologize. Were you grumpy or inconsiderate? Just say, "hey, I was moody with you this morning and I'm sorry."
6. Have some grace.
Obviously there is a place for grace in apologies. Sometimes people don't know you're upset or may know that he or she upset you but want to just move on and not address it, so you have to decide if its a big enough issue that it will be hard for you to move on without bitterness. Sometimes its not a big deal (unkind words because he/she was tired) and sometimes it is a big deal. Sometimes, you are gracious and move on and sometimes you lovingly bring it
Part of having grace is accepting the apology and offering forgiveness.
7. Don't make one person initiate all the time.
Often times, both parties were wrong....one was inconsiderate and then the other snapped, etc.... It's frustrating if one person always initiates the apology process, so make sure that sometimes you acknowledge your sin first and seek forgiveness. Better yet, both parties should be racing to make things right before the other one...outdo eachother in love right?
8. Apologize....then move on.
Sometimes, an apology may require some discussion...on how things can be handled better, etc....but once you offer that forgiveness, let go of your resentment.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Dating/Relationship Series #7: Move
(This post is somewhat inspired by a girl I read about on Kellys Korner here. She felt like God wanted her to move so she did and immediately met the right man in her new location --after years of waiting! )
I am not joking, some people will think what I am saying is drastic....BUT maybe if you aren't meeting any men or women in your area, you should move.
Seriously, one of my good friends is about to move to a bigger city and meeting new men is one of the reasons why. I admire her honest approach. She didn't quit her job immediately, but her contract is up and she does not HAVE to renew it, so why not get another job in a different city. She has been here and dated some but feels that she is not meeting anyone new, so instead of whining about no men in Jackson, she is doing something about it. I like that.
I have another friend who told me she is giving it a year. If she still isn't dating someone, she may move her business to a bigger different city.
I am not moving, but I will share my own experiance with this idea of relocating yourself to meet men.
I had dated but not met the right man. I was very frustrated...but at the same time, I was happy with my life. I love my community of friends, I love being close to my family, I like my job, I love where I live, I like my church. I didn't WANT to leave Jackson, but felt like I had already met most of the men in my circles in Jackson -- and either (1) they were married; (2) we had already dated; or (3) one or both of us didn't want to date the other one.
I did not want to leave Jackson for all the above mentioned reasons but I didn't want to wake up in 10 years single because I stayed where I was comfortable. But certainly, leaving a very good life behind is not a decision you make too quickly
I was telling my sister my problem this fall, and her advice was simple: give yourself a moving timeline and pray you meet someone before then. SIMPLE enough, and she was able to give such good advice because she wasn't in my spot and was able to look at the situation objectively. No drastic measures, bathed in prayer.
So I decided that if I did not meet a great man to date by summertime, I would start looking up jobs in DC and sending in apps (not necessarily move, but start making the steps to move and see which doors God opeend) That gave me 9 mths to go on dates and try to meet people. That gave me 9 months to pray. That gave me 9 mths to seek the Lord's will. I prayed that I would not have to leave Jackson, but that if I needed to, I asked the Lord to make it clear.
And, in late december, I met the man I am currently dating. I'm not saying I will never move to DC, but I am not moving now. Had I not met him, I would currently be sending my resumes and applications to various think tanks and governmental agencies. I am glad the Lord made it clear what I should do. I'm extremely grateful that atleast for now, I get to stay in Jackson, but had He wanted me to move, I would be grateful that He made my path clear.
I know some people will disagree with my advice to consider moving, BUT I think that if you were unhappy with your job, had no friends, had no good churches to attend in your current location, you would consider moving, wouldn't you? You would pray daily about it and seek the Lord's will on where you should be located. Why won't you do the same regarding dating and marriage????
So, here is my advice (take it or leave it) Maybe you live in a small town or the city you grew up in and feel like you already know everyone in. Maybe you live in a place that lacks many Christians. It is possible that the best way to meet a spouse is to move to a place where you can meet more people.. however it is possible that the Lord has the perfect man for you in your small town of 10,000...or in a different city but you meet through friends. So jumping into a move is not the best thing to do.
(1) give yourself a timeline (1 year, 9 months, etc) to pray and expand your circles in your current location and to seek the Lord's will
(2) give some thought to where you would move -- do you want to know a few people there already? or go somewhere completely new? Is there a good job market there? Is there a good church? Are there young people? Are there Christians? It does no good to move somewhere with the same limitations as where you currently live..a lot of sacrifice for no benefit.
(3) Pray. Pray you meet soemone and don't have to move. Pray that the Lord makes it clear to move. Pray.
(4) Expand your circles in your current city. Is your church lacking a lot of people your age? Visit another church some, atleast for a Bible study, etc. Go to different places/restaurants/parties. Join a club. Try online dating. Blind dates. Etc. Etc. Maybe there are lots of eligible men in your city but you just got stuck hanging out with the same ones all the time.
(5) improve yourself. You may be moving within the year, so you should drop those extra 10 pounds and move looking your best! Or maybe while you are losing the weight or dressing cuter, etc, you will meet someone in your current location.
(6) decide if its worth it. Some people love where they live so much that they would stay there for awhile and risk not meeting anyone. Do you love your job, friends, church more than you want to meet someone? If so, great, you may not want to move. I love my life, but I wanted to meet someone badly enough that it was worth moving if need be.
**As I said, this is a drastic measure, although less drastic when you are young and single, but its one you might consider. You never know....
I am not joking, some people will think what I am saying is drastic....BUT maybe if you aren't meeting any men or women in your area, you should move.
Seriously, one of my good friends is about to move to a bigger city and meeting new men is one of the reasons why. I admire her honest approach. She didn't quit her job immediately, but her contract is up and she does not HAVE to renew it, so why not get another job in a different city. She has been here and dated some but feels that she is not meeting anyone new, so instead of whining about no men in Jackson, she is doing something about it. I like that.
I have another friend who told me she is giving it a year. If she still isn't dating someone, she may move her business to a bigger different city.
I am not moving, but I will share my own experiance with this idea of relocating yourself to meet men.
I had dated but not met the right man. I was very frustrated...but at the same time, I was happy with my life. I love my community of friends, I love being close to my family, I like my job, I love where I live, I like my church. I didn't WANT to leave Jackson, but felt like I had already met most of the men in my circles in Jackson -- and either (1) they were married; (2) we had already dated; or (3) one or both of us didn't want to date the other one.
I did not want to leave Jackson for all the above mentioned reasons but I didn't want to wake up in 10 years single because I stayed where I was comfortable. But certainly, leaving a very good life behind is not a decision you make too quickly
I was telling my sister my problem this fall, and her advice was simple: give yourself a moving timeline and pray you meet someone before then. SIMPLE enough, and she was able to give such good advice because she wasn't in my spot and was able to look at the situation objectively. No drastic measures, bathed in prayer.
So I decided that if I did not meet a great man to date by summertime, I would start looking up jobs in DC and sending in apps (not necessarily move, but start making the steps to move and see which doors God opeend) That gave me 9 mths to go on dates and try to meet people. That gave me 9 months to pray. That gave me 9 mths to seek the Lord's will. I prayed that I would not have to leave Jackson, but that if I needed to, I asked the Lord to make it clear.
And, in late december, I met the man I am currently dating. I'm not saying I will never move to DC, but I am not moving now. Had I not met him, I would currently be sending my resumes and applications to various think tanks and governmental agencies. I am glad the Lord made it clear what I should do. I'm extremely grateful that atleast for now, I get to stay in Jackson, but had He wanted me to move, I would be grateful that He made my path clear.
I know some people will disagree with my advice to consider moving, BUT I think that if you were unhappy with your job, had no friends, had no good churches to attend in your current location, you would consider moving, wouldn't you? You would pray daily about it and seek the Lord's will on where you should be located. Why won't you do the same regarding dating and marriage????
So, here is my advice (take it or leave it) Maybe you live in a small town or the city you grew up in and feel like you already know everyone in. Maybe you live in a place that lacks many Christians. It is possible that the best way to meet a spouse is to move to a place where you can meet more people.. however it is possible that the Lord has the perfect man for you in your small town of 10,000...or in a different city but you meet through friends. So jumping into a move is not the best thing to do.
(1) give yourself a timeline (1 year, 9 months, etc) to pray and expand your circles in your current location and to seek the Lord's will
(2) give some thought to where you would move -- do you want to know a few people there already? or go somewhere completely new? Is there a good job market there? Is there a good church? Are there young people? Are there Christians? It does no good to move somewhere with the same limitations as where you currently live..a lot of sacrifice for no benefit.
(3) Pray. Pray you meet soemone and don't have to move. Pray that the Lord makes it clear to move. Pray.
(4) Expand your circles in your current city. Is your church lacking a lot of people your age? Visit another church some, atleast for a Bible study, etc. Go to different places/restaurants/parties. Join a club. Try online dating. Blind dates. Etc. Etc. Maybe there are lots of eligible men in your city but you just got stuck hanging out with the same ones all the time.
(5) improve yourself. You may be moving within the year, so you should drop those extra 10 pounds and move looking your best! Or maybe while you are losing the weight or dressing cuter, etc, you will meet someone in your current location.
(6) decide if its worth it. Some people love where they live so much that they would stay there for awhile and risk not meeting anyone. Do you love your job, friends, church more than you want to meet someone? If so, great, you may not want to move. I love my life, but I wanted to meet someone badly enough that it was worth moving if need be.
**As I said, this is a drastic measure, although less drastic when you are young and single, but its one you might consider. You never know....
Friday, June 29, 2012
Dating/Relationship Series #6: Break up.
Don't casually date for too long...
I know this seems like silly advice because (1) its a dating series yet I am telling you to break up! and (2) I recently wrote about not saying no to dates and how a date is just a date.
I still stand by what I said. A date is not a marriage proposal, and a date, even a couple dates, is not to determine if he or she is "the one"
But, dates are to determine if you want to date that person and dating is to determine if you want to marry him (or her!)
So, at the moment that you realize you can't marry that person (or vice versa), thats when the relationship should end. Normally, this is a few months in, but sometimes you hit that point later on, after striving to work through issues and differences and realizing that there are some deal breakers.
So have fun, date, be casual, but at a certain point, fish or cut bait. When you realize that this is NOT someone you can continue getting to know for the point of marriage, get out. Don't hold yourself (or that person) back. If you stay in a relationship 6 months longer than you should, thats 6 months less to meet a person thats right for you, maybe longer because you will take longer mourning the breakup.
By the way, the reverse is not always true. You should most likely know that you CAN'T marry a certain person a few months in. You may not know that you CAN marry them. Thats why you keep dating them.
I have done a lot of casual dating (ranging from a few dates to a few months) and I have only stayed in a relationship too long once. It wasn't the worst dating mistake I have ever made, but who knows who I would have met etc. if I had ended it quicker.
So, sometimes the best thing you can do for your dating life is break up. Break up so that you (and he) can move on and meet the right person.
***This was already published, then republished itself. Don't know how to change it back to the original date, so sorry, y'all can read it again !! :) ***
I know this seems like silly advice because (1) its a dating series yet I am telling you to break up! and (2) I recently wrote about not saying no to dates and how a date is just a date.
I still stand by what I said. A date is not a marriage proposal, and a date, even a couple dates, is not to determine if he or she is "the one"
But, dates are to determine if you want to date that person and dating is to determine if you want to marry him (or her!)
So, at the moment that you realize you can't marry that person (or vice versa), thats when the relationship should end. Normally, this is a few months in, but sometimes you hit that point later on, after striving to work through issues and differences and realizing that there are some deal breakers.
So have fun, date, be casual, but at a certain point, fish or cut bait. When you realize that this is NOT someone you can continue getting to know for the point of marriage, get out. Don't hold yourself (or that person) back. If you stay in a relationship 6 months longer than you should, thats 6 months less to meet a person thats right for you, maybe longer because you will take longer mourning the breakup.
By the way, the reverse is not always true. You should most likely know that you CAN'T marry a certain person a few months in. You may not know that you CAN marry them. Thats why you keep dating them.
I have done a lot of casual dating (ranging from a few dates to a few months) and I have only stayed in a relationship too long once. It wasn't the worst dating mistake I have ever made, but who knows who I would have met etc. if I had ended it quicker.
So, sometimes the best thing you can do for your dating life is break up. Break up so that you (and he) can move on and meet the right person.
***This was already published, then republished itself. Don't know how to change it back to the original date, so sorry, y'all can read it again !! :) ***
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Vacay- 10 things
A small recap of my vacation...once I get my life back in order, I will write more and catch up on life. Boca Grande would have been great without tropical storm debbie (an unwelcome visitor) -- I spent half a day laying out. only half a day. I do not like tanning beds (sure I went through my occasional use phase in high school, college and early law school) but for 2-3 years now, I have been a spray tan only girl. But, i think I may go buy 5 trips to the bed -- I feel if I spent five days NOT billing to get a tan, then dang it, I want a tan. 5 sessions can't kill you right? anyways, back on topic... here's a 10 things I learned/have to share from the week.
(1) I love my family. My whole family went to the beach, cousins, aunts, uncles, and it was fun to see everyone. I have some sweet relatives that I never get to see. I enjoyed spending time in the pool and riding waves during the storm (yes I know this is dangerous) with them.
(2) I am dating the most likable guy every. He fit right in...I received several votes of affirmation, was told that 'your aunt and I voted and we give him two thumbs up" and had a few references to keeping him around. And, I agree with all of them, he gets two thumbs up from me and I plan on keeping him around for awhile. I've dated men before that seemed insecure or like they had to try really hard. This is difficult for me because I am very outgoing and make friends easilly, so I don't understand how they don't roll with the punches. Current BF did, and I like him even more because of it. Seriously, I think some of my relatives may like him better than me, and thats ok!
(3) I may be outgoing, but I need alone time. I realized that even more this wkd. I shared a room with 5 other people (bunk room/singles room) and shared a bathroom. If I needed a moment to think or time to talk my BF- or the one spat we had, I had to find a place to do it. Vacations are wonderful- and I'm an extrovert, but it always makes me grateful for a day to curl up and read or watch tv when I get home.
(4) I probably gained a lot of weight. like 50 pounds. The food was delicious. I eat 1000-1200 cals a day at home and work out tons, but this week, did not happen. I was fine with eating more at the beginning of the week because I biked and ran a lot then it got too rainy to do that. SO, hello gym, starting tonight, we are BFF.
(5) My nephew is officially one years old and officially the most adorable toddler there is!
(6) I love my life. As I said, I enjoyed my time away, but it was good to get back. I have plans to see several friends this wkd, canue, run, eat sushi, see a movie. I have fabulous friends, a great church home, good family, and a wonderful bf. I have plenty of stress in my life too, but as a whole, I have a life that its good to get home to. That hasn't always been the case. I can remember times when reality was a frustrating thing to return to, but not now, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
(7) I love Mississippi. I have one cousin who hates MS and had a few comments about MS, conservatives, etc etc. I love my state. I love how progressive its becoming. I love that we hold on to the good traditions and southern history and move away from the negative. I love my home and being around someone who doesn't made me even more aware how much I love the south.
(8) Fifth year of architecture school is going to be really hard. My BF is about to start his hardest year of school. My uncle is an architect and both my uncle and my aunt (his wife) told BF and I how hard this next year will be. I'm torn. I'm grateful 5th year is in JXN so he will live in the same city, but I am dreading the time constraints this will put on us and especially on him. Luckilly, I have endured law school so I have some idea what this will be like, although law school is a little more organized than architecture school (no last minute projects etc) My solution? Live the next 2 months to its fullest - and be supportive next year. And although everyone means well when they warn him about their experiances, BF always says we will figure it out in August. How he finds time to balance school, family, me, job search, etc may be different than other people's. Though, one piece of advice I am taking from my aunt: When you don't see him bc of projects, show up at studio with a plate of cookies :)
(9) Boogie boarding in a tropical storm/depression -- probably not safe, but is fun!
(10) Rock of Ages was a fun movie -- I suggest going to see it!! 80s rock and a musical...whats not to love???
*** this goes without saying: sometimes life goes differently than you want, but you have to regroup and deal....that being said, I will either be laying out, going to a tanning bed or getting a spray tan this wkd !! ***
(1) I love my family. My whole family went to the beach, cousins, aunts, uncles, and it was fun to see everyone. I have some sweet relatives that I never get to see. I enjoyed spending time in the pool and riding waves during the storm (yes I know this is dangerous) with them.
(2) I am dating the most likable guy every. He fit right in...I received several votes of affirmation, was told that 'your aunt and I voted and we give him two thumbs up" and had a few references to keeping him around. And, I agree with all of them, he gets two thumbs up from me and I plan on keeping him around for awhile. I've dated men before that seemed insecure or like they had to try really hard. This is difficult for me because I am very outgoing and make friends easilly, so I don't understand how they don't roll with the punches. Current BF did, and I like him even more because of it. Seriously, I think some of my relatives may like him better than me, and thats ok!
(3) I may be outgoing, but I need alone time. I realized that even more this wkd. I shared a room with 5 other people (bunk room/singles room) and shared a bathroom. If I needed a moment to think or time to talk my BF- or the one spat we had, I had to find a place to do it. Vacations are wonderful- and I'm an extrovert, but it always makes me grateful for a day to curl up and read or watch tv when I get home.
(4) I probably gained a lot of weight. like 50 pounds. The food was delicious. I eat 1000-1200 cals a day at home and work out tons, but this week, did not happen. I was fine with eating more at the beginning of the week because I biked and ran a lot then it got too rainy to do that. SO, hello gym, starting tonight, we are BFF.
(5) My nephew is officially one years old and officially the most adorable toddler there is!
(6) I love my life. As I said, I enjoyed my time away, but it was good to get back. I have plans to see several friends this wkd, canue, run, eat sushi, see a movie. I have fabulous friends, a great church home, good family, and a wonderful bf. I have plenty of stress in my life too, but as a whole, I have a life that its good to get home to. That hasn't always been the case. I can remember times when reality was a frustrating thing to return to, but not now, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
(7) I love Mississippi. I have one cousin who hates MS and had a few comments about MS, conservatives, etc etc. I love my state. I love how progressive its becoming. I love that we hold on to the good traditions and southern history and move away from the negative. I love my home and being around someone who doesn't made me even more aware how much I love the south.
(8) Fifth year of architecture school is going to be really hard. My BF is about to start his hardest year of school. My uncle is an architect and both my uncle and my aunt (his wife) told BF and I how hard this next year will be. I'm torn. I'm grateful 5th year is in JXN so he will live in the same city, but I am dreading the time constraints this will put on us and especially on him. Luckilly, I have endured law school so I have some idea what this will be like, although law school is a little more organized than architecture school (no last minute projects etc) My solution? Live the next 2 months to its fullest - and be supportive next year. And although everyone means well when they warn him about their experiances, BF always says we will figure it out in August. How he finds time to balance school, family, me, job search, etc may be different than other people's. Though, one piece of advice I am taking from my aunt: When you don't see him bc of projects, show up at studio with a plate of cookies :)
(9) Boogie boarding in a tropical storm/depression -- probably not safe, but is fun!
(10) Rock of Ages was a fun movie -- I suggest going to see it!! 80s rock and a musical...whats not to love???
*** this goes without saying: sometimes life goes differently than you want, but you have to regroup and deal....that being said, I will either be laying out, going to a tanning bed or getting a spray tan this wkd !! ***
Monday, June 4, 2012
Dating/relationship series #5: How to Fight
This was advice from a sweet friend who has been married a decently long time, but not long enough to have forgotten the dating stage.
She was sharing some marital/dating advice with me...I was essentially asking about dating and marriage and what some of her nuggets of wisdom were for getting along/making it work. They started dating in high school, got married in college, have two babies, and are raising support for the mission field, so I knew that despite the many ups, they have had some rough times and disagreements...and as I suspected, she had good advice.
Her advice boiled down to this: Fight well. Don't air your dirty laundry to others and go straight to the source of your problems...ie, talk to your spouse, boyfriend, etc about the problem, not always everyone else. Simple enough, righty? But I guess its a lot harder to do...think how much "men bashing" goes on at girls night? and vice versa? There's a difference between joking about how your husband and you fight over the remote and actually spilling the details of your fights/disagreements to others. Words of wisdom I am glad to hear. One day, I would like to apply the same wisdom to my marriage.
So, fight well by actually fighting with/discussing issues with your husband, and not running straight to your girlfriends to whine. But, also, fight well by establishing some ground rules. Clearly these will differ for everyone, but the rules could include not raising your voice, sitting next to each other, even touching (to keep things civil and remember that you care about this person you are fighting with), learning how the other person fights. Take time to calm down if needed. Agree to address issues as they come up. Don't go to bed angry (hmm sounds biblical)
Also, some advice from my mom about fighting and relationships: (1) don't tell your parents about all your fights because you will get over it far sooner than they will; and (2) take a break from fighting. Sometimes the issue isn't a heated in the moment conflict, per se, but an ongoing issue -- IE, should we save for this? should our kids go to school here? Can I handle this personality trait? Is this personality difference going to be a deal breaker in our relationship? You need answers, but unlike a disagreement over a hurtful comment, these won't be settled overnight. The argument can be settled, but not the whole issue. So my mom's advice is to take a break and have fun together. If you don't have to make a big decision today and its causing a lot of strife, end the arguing on a good note, enjoy a weekend of dinner out and no discussion, and revisit the issue when you are calmed down. It's good to remember how much you care for the person you're with and sometimes several days of trying to solve an issue take the fun out of the relationship, so take a break and remember.
So, thats my dating/relationship advice (taken from those who know more than me) - Fight well. I gave some examples, but anyone else have tips on how to fight well?? I'd love to know more!
She was sharing some marital/dating advice with me...I was essentially asking about dating and marriage and what some of her nuggets of wisdom were for getting along/making it work. They started dating in high school, got married in college, have two babies, and are raising support for the mission field, so I knew that despite the many ups, they have had some rough times and disagreements...and as I suspected, she had good advice.
Her advice boiled down to this: Fight well. Don't air your dirty laundry to others and go straight to the source of your problems...ie, talk to your spouse, boyfriend, etc about the problem, not always everyone else. Simple enough, righty? But I guess its a lot harder to do...think how much "men bashing" goes on at girls night? and vice versa? There's a difference between joking about how your husband and you fight over the remote and actually spilling the details of your fights/disagreements to others. Words of wisdom I am glad to hear. One day, I would like to apply the same wisdom to my marriage.
So, fight well by actually fighting with/discussing issues with your husband, and not running straight to your girlfriends to whine. But, also, fight well by establishing some ground rules. Clearly these will differ for everyone, but the rules could include not raising your voice, sitting next to each other, even touching (to keep things civil and remember that you care about this person you are fighting with), learning how the other person fights. Take time to calm down if needed. Agree to address issues as they come up. Don't go to bed angry (hmm sounds biblical)
Also, some advice from my mom about fighting and relationships: (1) don't tell your parents about all your fights because you will get over it far sooner than they will; and (2) take a break from fighting. Sometimes the issue isn't a heated in the moment conflict, per se, but an ongoing issue -- IE, should we save for this? should our kids go to school here? Can I handle this personality trait? Is this personality difference going to be a deal breaker in our relationship? You need answers, but unlike a disagreement over a hurtful comment, these won't be settled overnight. The argument can be settled, but not the whole issue. So my mom's advice is to take a break and have fun together. If you don't have to make a big decision today and its causing a lot of strife, end the arguing on a good note, enjoy a weekend of dinner out and no discussion, and revisit the issue when you are calmed down. It's good to remember how much you care for the person you're with and sometimes several days of trying to solve an issue take the fun out of the relationship, so take a break and remember.
So, thats my dating/relationship advice (taken from those who know more than me) - Fight well. I gave some examples, but anyone else have tips on how to fight well?? I'd love to know more!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Dating/Relationship Series #3: It's just a date
This is advice for both guys and gals.
It's just a date....a meal, coffee, maybe a movie or some ice cream with a nice decent member of the opposite sex. That's all.
Ladies, this isn't a marriage proposal. Don't plan your name next to his or figure out who your bridesmaids will be. Its just a date. Just give it a date ---He may not be interested in more. You may not be interested in more. Give both of you the freedom to decide that after an evening (or two together). He owes you respect and a pleasent evening, not a ring and promise of marriage.
Additionally, don't be so worried about marriage that you don't allow yourself to evaluate the date and see if he is someone you want to see again. Sometimes girls are so glad a man asked them out and so excited to have some interest that they become more concerned with impressing him so he will stay than they do in seeing if he is the type of man they want to stay with.
Men, this isn't a commitment. I have seen situations where a man has pined over a certain woman for months, finally get the nerve to ask her out, and then are devestated when she doesn't want more than a date or two. While you have had a relationship in your head for months and thought the final step to making her "your girl" was to ask her out, this is all news to her. She did not know you wanted to date until you asked her out. My advice? As soon as you are interested, man up and ask her out. Don't spend time planning how you two will be perfect together before finally getting the nerve to ask her out. Then you will have HIGH expectations and be dissapointed if it doesn't work out. Also, you will probably have so much riding on this one date that you aren't yourself which certainly won't impress her.
Certainly, be intentional. Within a couple months of dating, let the marriage topic come up. Make sure he knows thats what you are looking for. Men, make sure the lady is looking for marriage too. This topic has come up in dating situations and I have had it go both ways -- he was looking for marriage in the near future (and was obviously dating me to see if I could be that girl) AND I have had a guy say he wasn't looking for marriage for a few more years. Both ways, its fair I knew and its fair he knew what I wanted. (sidenote: the man who wasn't looking for marriage yet is a great guy and we are still friendly today. I think this because we both were upfront with eachother and I didn't come in with expectations that dates = marriage).
Dates can be fun. (and I know, sometimes dates get old, you don't want a bunch of casual dates, just the right date -- but the only way to get to the right one is to keep getting out there and meeting new people and dating is one way to do that!) Enjoy dolling up. Enjoy a nice meal and good conversation. Notice the qualities in someone you find attractive and even essential in a mate (your date may not be your soul mate, but you may notice something great about him that you eventually love in your spouse!). Try to be a good listener and encourager. Practice flirting. Enjoy being treated like a lady. Develop conversation skills. Try new places.
He may be the one, and you may know fairly quickly, but give yourself the gift of just being allowed to date, not search for a spouse. You can have a lot of fun and develop a lot of good skills. Plus, then when you are surprised on a first date and find yourself thinking, "this is different, what if there is something here?", you will know that is a legitimate feeling because you don't think that with every man who buys you a drink.
So, have fun. Just Date.
It's just a date....a meal, coffee, maybe a movie or some ice cream with a nice decent member of the opposite sex. That's all.
Ladies, this isn't a marriage proposal. Don't plan your name next to his or figure out who your bridesmaids will be. Its just a date. Just give it a date ---He may not be interested in more. You may not be interested in more. Give both of you the freedom to decide that after an evening (or two together). He owes you respect and a pleasent evening, not a ring and promise of marriage.
Additionally, don't be so worried about marriage that you don't allow yourself to evaluate the date and see if he is someone you want to see again. Sometimes girls are so glad a man asked them out and so excited to have some interest that they become more concerned with impressing him so he will stay than they do in seeing if he is the type of man they want to stay with.
Men, this isn't a commitment. I have seen situations where a man has pined over a certain woman for months, finally get the nerve to ask her out, and then are devestated when she doesn't want more than a date or two. While you have had a relationship in your head for months and thought the final step to making her "your girl" was to ask her out, this is all news to her. She did not know you wanted to date until you asked her out. My advice? As soon as you are interested, man up and ask her out. Don't spend time planning how you two will be perfect together before finally getting the nerve to ask her out. Then you will have HIGH expectations and be dissapointed if it doesn't work out. Also, you will probably have so much riding on this one date that you aren't yourself which certainly won't impress her.
Certainly, be intentional. Within a couple months of dating, let the marriage topic come up. Make sure he knows thats what you are looking for. Men, make sure the lady is looking for marriage too. This topic has come up in dating situations and I have had it go both ways -- he was looking for marriage in the near future (and was obviously dating me to see if I could be that girl) AND I have had a guy say he wasn't looking for marriage for a few more years. Both ways, its fair I knew and its fair he knew what I wanted. (sidenote: the man who wasn't looking for marriage yet is a great guy and we are still friendly today. I think this because we both were upfront with eachother and I didn't come in with expectations that dates = marriage).
Dates can be fun. (and I know, sometimes dates get old, you don't want a bunch of casual dates, just the right date -- but the only way to get to the right one is to keep getting out there and meeting new people and dating is one way to do that!) Enjoy dolling up. Enjoy a nice meal and good conversation. Notice the qualities in someone you find attractive and even essential in a mate (your date may not be your soul mate, but you may notice something great about him that you eventually love in your spouse!). Try to be a good listener and encourager. Practice flirting. Enjoy being treated like a lady. Develop conversation skills. Try new places.
He may be the one, and you may know fairly quickly, but give yourself the gift of just being allowed to date, not search for a spouse. You can have a lot of fun and develop a lot of good skills. Plus, then when you are surprised on a first date and find yourself thinking, "this is different, what if there is something here?", you will know that is a legitimate feeling because you don't think that with every man who buys you a drink.
So, have fun. Just Date.
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