MY LAST POST ON FINAL SINGLE THOUGHTS...
As I already said, mourn broken dreams and dissapointments (aka I would LOVE not to have wrinkles on my eyes at my wedding day, but 29 years of age will do that to you!) and then chose to have hope and be grateful for your many blessings...
...and finally, develop a DAMN good Plan B.
As scary as it may seem, what would you do if you never get married? How would you live your life? What would you do if you don't get married until you are 35, 40, 45, etc???
It won't be the life you pictured, but what can you do to make it the best version.
I used to imagine being that weird single aunt spending holidays alone or with my sister and her family and feeling like a tag along...then I just decided that if I am single, I will spend some holidays with my siblings, some I will host at my house for family and friends and some would be spent travelling. If it would be too painful to spend every holiday as another family's guest, then why not create my own holidays?
If I didn't have my own kids to spoil, I was going to spoil the heck out of my nieces and nephews... complete with a fun senior trip (SORRY Jack, Aunt KK can't likely afford that now ha) And there was a good chance that I would still have a child because at a certain age, I planned to adopt one of the many orphans in the world that need a home.
If I never got married, I didn't want to become that old retired lady by herself, I wanted to go work in missions and use my freedom to contribute to God's kingdom.
Of course, don't think about your Plan B long, don't dwell on it, but when you get scared that life may be Plan B, imagine the best Plan B possible. Lifelong singleness does not have to be cats and frozen dinners and lonely holidays. If you recreate the alternative in your head, then the alternative is a little less scary. :)
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label singleness. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
FINAL thoughts on singleness: Friends as Family
When you get married at 22, you go from being a member of a family to being a member of a family. When you get married at 29, you have 7 years of not being a member of a family unit -- true you are still a part of a family, but you likely aren't living with them, spending weeknights with your parents, celebrating every promotion or mourning bad days with your family. you may even live a long ways from them.
There are a lot of pluses to having some years where your "at home" family unit is just you -- you learn to take care of yourself, learn to value family more, gain some independence, etc. But, you also have a lot of days where the good and bad go unnoticed, where you aren't poured into and cared for and you aren't doing that to anyone else. There aren't family meals and discussions of days. There's no one to make heart shaped pancakes or pizza with on valentines day or to watch Christmas movies with all month in December. You still have a family to go home to for major holidays, but every other special or hard day is lived alone...and sometimes thats great (less pressure) and sometimes it stinks!
So, create a family of friends. I know I've discussed this before (but this is my summary week on singleness so listen again!!!) -- but when you are single, you're friends and roomies are your family. You fight with them, learn to compromise with them (all good marriage training), cry with them, celebrate holidays with them, cook dinners and discuss your day with them, celebrate promotions, mourn breakups, bring soup when they are sick, etc. You're friends- particularly your single friends- are your family away from home.
The best thing I did in my 20s was make good friends....such good friends, in fact, that I tear up when I think about moving. We truly did live life together which is how community ought to be. I think that is a plus to singleness. We get it, we understand Christian fellowship and its importance in a believer's life, we know that community is so important! Being married can only fill some of my need for fellowship, Dave can't meet every single fellowship need I have or vice versa. I still need good friends and a church family! I sometimes see married friends slip into "husband and children" world which I understand, but it makes me sad--- sad because no one likes to be dumped and sad because they are missing out on great community!
So, while you're single -- make friends. Make lots of single friends- guys and gals because you need community who is in the same stage of life and free for last minute dinners, wine nights, etc. You need guy friends who can help you change tires and move and they need girl friends who will bring the food to the parties! (clearly thats stereotypical but its how my friendships worked!)
Work hard to stay in touch with married friends. You need them and they need you. And do your best to encourage an mixing of both worlds...no need to have a singles club and a married club, just a young Christian club. Make friends with older people and younger people.
You have the time and the real need for friendship at this stage of life...so enjoy those friendships to the fullest. They really are some of the deepest friendships you will have!
There are a lot of pluses to having some years where your "at home" family unit is just you -- you learn to take care of yourself, learn to value family more, gain some independence, etc. But, you also have a lot of days where the good and bad go unnoticed, where you aren't poured into and cared for and you aren't doing that to anyone else. There aren't family meals and discussions of days. There's no one to make heart shaped pancakes or pizza with on valentines day or to watch Christmas movies with all month in December. You still have a family to go home to for major holidays, but every other special or hard day is lived alone...and sometimes thats great (less pressure) and sometimes it stinks!
So, create a family of friends. I know I've discussed this before (but this is my summary week on singleness so listen again!!!) -- but when you are single, you're friends and roomies are your family. You fight with them, learn to compromise with them (all good marriage training), cry with them, celebrate holidays with them, cook dinners and discuss your day with them, celebrate promotions, mourn breakups, bring soup when they are sick, etc. You're friends- particularly your single friends- are your family away from home.
The best thing I did in my 20s was make good friends....such good friends, in fact, that I tear up when I think about moving. We truly did live life together which is how community ought to be. I think that is a plus to singleness. We get it, we understand Christian fellowship and its importance in a believer's life, we know that community is so important! Being married can only fill some of my need for fellowship, Dave can't meet every single fellowship need I have or vice versa. I still need good friends and a church family! I sometimes see married friends slip into "husband and children" world which I understand, but it makes me sad--- sad because no one likes to be dumped and sad because they are missing out on great community!
So, while you're single -- make friends. Make lots of single friends- guys and gals because you need community who is in the same stage of life and free for last minute dinners, wine nights, etc. You need guy friends who can help you change tires and move and they need girl friends who will bring the food to the parties! (clearly thats stereotypical but its how my friendships worked!)
Work hard to stay in touch with married friends. You need them and they need you. And do your best to encourage an mixing of both worlds...no need to have a singles club and a married club, just a young Christian club. Make friends with older people and younger people.
You have the time and the real need for friendship at this stage of life...so enjoy those friendships to the fullest. They really are some of the deepest friendships you will have!
Monday, June 24, 2013
FINAL thoughts on singleness: Grateful Hearts
"Count your many blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings, see what God has done."
I can remember singing this as a kid, and its true. Gratefulness and worship may be a chore at first, words we say because we are commanded to do so, but soon the heart will follow. With any disappointment in life, you have to mourn, but then you also have to get up, dust yourself off and keep on living. The best way to live in a way that glorifies the Lord (and selfishly, in a way that is happiest to us) is to focus on the blessings...
....which is why despite accusations by some that singless can be selfish by enjoying their free time, I think it is important to take advantage of that free time with travel, hobbies, friendships, etc. Recognize the blessing of freedom and enjoy it. (And I guarantee that for most single Christians, this extra freedom is not tempting us to stay single longer, its just a reality of our current state...I can go get a drink with a friend at 8 pm because I don't have kids to bathe!)
Practice remembering what's good. I wasn't always good at that. The older I got, I improved at counting my blessings. With whatever you long for -- job, husband, kids, healing, etc, its easy to only see what's missing, but for all of us, single or married -- we have so many blessings! Besides the obvious blessings of God's undeserved forgiveness, salvation and grace, we all live in America and are blessed with freedoms and opportunities and most of us have family and friends and jobs and communities.
Plus, cultivating a heart of gratefulness is something to learn at any stage. The first two weeks Dave was gone, we were grumpy with eachother and NOT grateful. I felt I was doing all the work here, getting us ready to wed and marry and he felt he was doing all the work in DC- setting up bank accounts and finding a place and paying bills. Our lack of gratefulness hurt our relationship, but the past 2 weeks have been happy and full of missing eachother and cheesy anticipation of seeing eachother again...all that changed was our attitudes. We tried to be more grateful and more gracious.
I think I learned qualities like gratefulness while single...and I am sure I will struggle to be grateful many more times in life, but I hope that my lessons learned these past few years will encourage me to aim for gratefulness even when I don't feel that way.
I can remember singing this as a kid, and its true. Gratefulness and worship may be a chore at first, words we say because we are commanded to do so, but soon the heart will follow. With any disappointment in life, you have to mourn, but then you also have to get up, dust yourself off and keep on living. The best way to live in a way that glorifies the Lord (and selfishly, in a way that is happiest to us) is to focus on the blessings...
....which is why despite accusations by some that singless can be selfish by enjoying their free time, I think it is important to take advantage of that free time with travel, hobbies, friendships, etc. Recognize the blessing of freedom and enjoy it. (And I guarantee that for most single Christians, this extra freedom is not tempting us to stay single longer, its just a reality of our current state...I can go get a drink with a friend at 8 pm because I don't have kids to bathe!)
Practice remembering what's good. I wasn't always good at that. The older I got, I improved at counting my blessings. With whatever you long for -- job, husband, kids, healing, etc, its easy to only see what's missing, but for all of us, single or married -- we have so many blessings! Besides the obvious blessings of God's undeserved forgiveness, salvation and grace, we all live in America and are blessed with freedoms and opportunities and most of us have family and friends and jobs and communities.
Plus, cultivating a heart of gratefulness is something to learn at any stage. The first two weeks Dave was gone, we were grumpy with eachother and NOT grateful. I felt I was doing all the work here, getting us ready to wed and marry and he felt he was doing all the work in DC- setting up bank accounts and finding a place and paying bills. Our lack of gratefulness hurt our relationship, but the past 2 weeks have been happy and full of missing eachother and cheesy anticipation of seeing eachother again...all that changed was our attitudes. We tried to be more grateful and more gracious.
I think I learned qualities like gratefulness while single...and I am sure I will struggle to be grateful many more times in life, but I hope that my lessons learned these past few years will encourage me to aim for gratefulness even when I don't feel that way.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
FINAL thoughts on singleness; TRAVEL, ETC.
Travel....or pick up a new hobby....or start a graduate program....
The reality is a good majority of people get married. However, the reality is also a higher age for marriage. (seriously the number of my friends who are engaged/seriously dating/recently married has increased TONS as we hit late 20s....)
So, what to do in the meantime? ANYTHING. Literally anything.
It's easy as a single to do one of two things...(1) overcommit. Everyone claims you have "free" time and should help with this party, church event, volunteer opportunity, etc or (2) not get involved, stay home, "WAIT" for a spouse and family.
Pick an option in the middle...save some time to do what you want to do. It's not selfish (despite many articles written about how singles these days are always selfish and enjoying their "ME" life) Choosing to pursue travel, hobbies, and even missions while single is wise with your time. Being married has advantages that should be enjoyed. BUT Being single does too. One of the single "pluses" is having a little more freedom!
While single, I sold my ring to pay for backpacking trip to europe, got a law degree, went on a second European trip to eastern europe, lived in DC 2 summers in Massachusetts 1 summer, went to Africa, ran a half marathon, etc.
So, what country do you want to visit? What hobby do you want to start? Go ahead a do it!!
The reality is a good majority of people get married. However, the reality is also a higher age for marriage. (seriously the number of my friends who are engaged/seriously dating/recently married has increased TONS as we hit late 20s....)
So, what to do in the meantime? ANYTHING. Literally anything.
It's easy as a single to do one of two things...(1) overcommit. Everyone claims you have "free" time and should help with this party, church event, volunteer opportunity, etc or (2) not get involved, stay home, "WAIT" for a spouse and family.
Pick an option in the middle...save some time to do what you want to do. It's not selfish (despite many articles written about how singles these days are always selfish and enjoying their "ME" life) Choosing to pursue travel, hobbies, and even missions while single is wise with your time. Being married has advantages that should be enjoyed. BUT Being single does too. One of the single "pluses" is having a little more freedom!
While single, I sold my ring to pay for backpacking trip to europe, got a law degree, went on a second European trip to eastern europe, lived in DC 2 summers in Massachusetts 1 summer, went to Africa, ran a half marathon, etc.
So, what country do you want to visit? What hobby do you want to start? Go ahead a do it!!
Friday, June 21, 2013
FINAL thoughts on singleness: KEEP ON LOOKING
(THIS PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN AS A DUAL BLOG TOPIC WITH HOPE BECAUSE IT GOES ALONG WITH THAT POST.)
Seriously, I strongly dislike comments like "When you quit looking, He'll find you" or even worse, "When you are satisfied in Jesus, he will give you a mate." and these comments come from married folks.
On top of being biblically UNTRUE, it also implies that the speaker did "quit looking" and focused only on Jesus and reached some spiritual level deemed good enough to be blessed with a spouse...so therefore, be like them.
Now, what people mean to say is this: Don't stress, don't panic, don't obsess. Be yourself and don't worry if every date you go on is the one. Thats all true. And if there is any inkling of truth to the whole "I quit looking and found him" theory, its this: when you aren't as worried, you are more fun and more attractive.
But, goodness, ladies, keep on looking. If you want to get into med school, you may sometimes need to take a night off, but you don't get into med school when you quit trying. You can't get in without studying, taking the MCAT, interviewing! Same with dating....you may need to take time off from looking at times...a weekend in, a couple months after a breakup. You certainly don't need to always stress and worry, but never quit looking.
And by don't quit looking, I don't mean limit your search to guys who you think meet some checklist in your head. I mean, be open. Did a guy from church ask you out, but he is not your type? Give hime a chance. Were you invited to a party with people you don't know well? Good, dress up cute and go mingle.
Don't always be thinking -- is this a guy I can marry, but always be thinking - is this a guy I can go on a date with. Figuring out if its the right guy doesn't happen immediately, deciding he's a sweet enough guy to go to dinner with is pretty easy.
I gave some guys a chance I probably shouldn't have, but being open minded kept me dating and meeting new people. I think my willingness to meet new people and actively look helped me meet Dave....although along the way, I certainly took breaks from the dating scene several times!
Keep on looking. And, know that looking doesn't mean you don't trust God or that you aren't content in God (NOTE: You probably aren't content enough in God, none of us are!) It just means that you hope to meet a great guy to settle down with. So, live life, keep looking and be open to try new things - online dating, blind dates, giving guys a chance you never thought you would, etc!
Seriously, I strongly dislike comments like "When you quit looking, He'll find you" or even worse, "When you are satisfied in Jesus, he will give you a mate." and these comments come from married folks.
On top of being biblically UNTRUE, it also implies that the speaker did "quit looking" and focused only on Jesus and reached some spiritual level deemed good enough to be blessed with a spouse...so therefore, be like them.
Now, what people mean to say is this: Don't stress, don't panic, don't obsess. Be yourself and don't worry if every date you go on is the one. Thats all true. And if there is any inkling of truth to the whole "I quit looking and found him" theory, its this: when you aren't as worried, you are more fun and more attractive.
But, goodness, ladies, keep on looking. If you want to get into med school, you may sometimes need to take a night off, but you don't get into med school when you quit trying. You can't get in without studying, taking the MCAT, interviewing! Same with dating....you may need to take time off from looking at times...a weekend in, a couple months after a breakup. You certainly don't need to always stress and worry, but never quit looking.
And by don't quit looking, I don't mean limit your search to guys who you think meet some checklist in your head. I mean, be open. Did a guy from church ask you out, but he is not your type? Give hime a chance. Were you invited to a party with people you don't know well? Good, dress up cute and go mingle.
Don't always be thinking -- is this a guy I can marry, but always be thinking - is this a guy I can go on a date with. Figuring out if its the right guy doesn't happen immediately, deciding he's a sweet enough guy to go to dinner with is pretty easy.
I gave some guys a chance I probably shouldn't have, but being open minded kept me dating and meeting new people. I think my willingness to meet new people and actively look helped me meet Dave....although along the way, I certainly took breaks from the dating scene several times!
Keep on looking. And, know that looking doesn't mean you don't trust God or that you aren't content in God (NOTE: You probably aren't content enough in God, none of us are!) It just means that you hope to meet a great guy to settle down with. So, live life, keep looking and be open to try new things - online dating, blind dates, giving guys a chance you never thought you would, etc!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
FINAL thoughts on singleness: HOPE
I think when other believers emphasize a life of contentment to singles, they often devalue hope....afterall, if you are hoping for more, you most not be grateful for what you have or content with the life you are living.
Quite frankly, thats not true. Even Adam lived in a perfect world and was content, but God said it wasn't good for him to be alone. You can live a full life and still strive for other goals and other hopes. Otherwise, no one would apply to med school or have a baby, because they would just think the life they were living was so full that they didn't need to add anything or anyone else.
Additionally, there is this percentage of people that are "nervous" to encourage hope because they don't want to feel too dissapointed if it doesn't work out their way-- it's almost as if we need to discourage hope because encouraging hope and then those hopes not coming to fruition doesn't exactly portray God well, does it? It's easier to NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP then to deal with the possible NO at the end of the tunnel.
We don't really believe God can come through, that He can answer a longtime prayer or heal the sick or goodness, even bring about marriages or babies for those who are waiting.
The thing is God doesn't need us to "make it easy for him" or "let Him off the hook" - if His answer is no, it will be No, but that's because for whatever reason, that answer brings glory to Him and good to you. It is not because God can't answer prayers.
Also, a failure to hope is a self fulfilling prophecy. A failure to hope prevents fixing the things we need to fix about ourselves. As long as I was hopeful that I would meet someone, I willingly gave guys a chance, said yes to dates I might not normally say yes to, went to parties, presented myself well, tried to stay in shape, etc. Hoping encourages us to be our best, to fix our flaws, to constantly reevaluate areas of weakness, to give people a chance and to generally put out good friendly vibes into the world. This attracts people, maybe not Mr. Right, but it does cause people to want to be around you!
Lastly, why hope? because scripture is full of references to hoping in the Lord!! We are told to do so! My all time favorite verse is Romans 12:12: Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.
There you have it, Hope in the Lord brings Joy, and in a Christian life that requires patience due to affliction, we need all the Joy we can get :)
So, hope in the Lord. Hope that He provides. Hope that He heals brokeness. Hope that He changes circumstances. Hope that He provides comfort!! Hope that He sustains and encourages and reminds you that He is our primary need, not relationships. Hope because He says to do so. He knew life would be broken and painful and dissapointing at times and right there in scripture's command to be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer, we are told to joyfully HOPE!
(SIDENOTE: Just like yesterday, this really isn't specifically about singleness, just about something I learned during singleness. Being Joyful in HOPE is really something to strive for all the time, single or married!)
Quite frankly, thats not true. Even Adam lived in a perfect world and was content, but God said it wasn't good for him to be alone. You can live a full life and still strive for other goals and other hopes. Otherwise, no one would apply to med school or have a baby, because they would just think the life they were living was so full that they didn't need to add anything or anyone else.
Additionally, there is this percentage of people that are "nervous" to encourage hope because they don't want to feel too dissapointed if it doesn't work out their way-- it's almost as if we need to discourage hope because encouraging hope and then those hopes not coming to fruition doesn't exactly portray God well, does it? It's easier to NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP then to deal with the possible NO at the end of the tunnel.
We don't really believe God can come through, that He can answer a longtime prayer or heal the sick or goodness, even bring about marriages or babies for those who are waiting.
The thing is God doesn't need us to "make it easy for him" or "let Him off the hook" - if His answer is no, it will be No, but that's because for whatever reason, that answer brings glory to Him and good to you. It is not because God can't answer prayers.
Also, a failure to hope is a self fulfilling prophecy. A failure to hope prevents fixing the things we need to fix about ourselves. As long as I was hopeful that I would meet someone, I willingly gave guys a chance, said yes to dates I might not normally say yes to, went to parties, presented myself well, tried to stay in shape, etc. Hoping encourages us to be our best, to fix our flaws, to constantly reevaluate areas of weakness, to give people a chance and to generally put out good friendly vibes into the world. This attracts people, maybe not Mr. Right, but it does cause people to want to be around you!
Lastly, why hope? because scripture is full of references to hoping in the Lord!! We are told to do so! My all time favorite verse is Romans 12:12: Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.
There you have it, Hope in the Lord brings Joy, and in a Christian life that requires patience due to affliction, we need all the Joy we can get :)
So, hope in the Lord. Hope that He provides. Hope that He heals brokeness. Hope that He changes circumstances. Hope that He provides comfort!! Hope that He sustains and encourages and reminds you that He is our primary need, not relationships. Hope because He says to do so. He knew life would be broken and painful and dissapointing at times and right there in scripture's command to be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer, we are told to joyfully HOPE!
(SIDENOTE: Just like yesterday, this really isn't specifically about singleness, just about something I learned during singleness. Being Joyful in HOPE is really something to strive for all the time, single or married!)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
FINAL Thoughts on Singleness: Grieving.
I meant to start this "series" yesterday (I say series cautiously as its just a personal blog, not a magazine, etc)...but I was sick, as in didn't sit up until 5 pm. My adorable yet germy nephew gave me the stomach bug...which is exactly what I needed amidst all my crazyness at the moment. Plus, I hate doing nothing...looking back at the end of the day and thinking, I accomplished nothing -- I saw nothing, did nothing, etc. Heck I didn't even turn the TV on until 3 pm! But, I suppose I needed rest and that was good because I got a lot of it! Anyways, I am a little weak and tired but practically back to normal and working today!
(Also, small side note: I truly think one of the happiest moments in life is when you've recovered "enough" from the stomach bug to get to drink sprite....seriously, the finest champagne you could ever drink can't possibly taste as delicious as that sprite does at that moment!!)
So on with my series on my final thoughts on singlness....
I stumbled across this article from 3 years ago, and I couldn't agree more.
Life is fabulous for me at the moment (albeit full of stress!!) I am marrying the most amazing man, heading to the west coast for a week long vacation and starting our new life together in a city I love. That being said, things haven't always gone perfectly, nor will they always go perfectly. I would have selected that things go a bit differently, possibly without the pain and embaressment of a broken engagement, but this is the way things went....and I truly had to grieve lost dreams before I embraced new ones. I love the life I am living now, although it wasn't the one I selected.
Some excerpts from the article...
"And I had a choice. Choice No. 1: I could dwell on the deep sense of loss I felt at the death of those dreams, question God's goodness and become bitter. Choice No. 2: I could grieve the things I would not be and ask my loving Father to show me new dreams — the things “no eye has seen” (1 Corinthians 2:9).
But first I had to let go of my expectations for my life. I had to give up control of my circumstances (control I didn't truly have in the first place). I had to accept with joy the things I would never be.
Life doesn't always go well for those who follow God. In fact, sometimes it's the opposite. For reasons only heaven knows, our lives can seem void of goodness.
At some point during my single years, I decided it was futile, and even sinful, to cling to the things I would not be. I could only seek to know better the things I would be: a loving daughter, a loyal friend, an encouraging sister, a devoted follower of Jesus.
Many dreams I couldn't even imagine — they resided in my heart as very basic hope — things unknown to me that I trusted God could do. Instead of wasting my energy on grieving what I would never be, I sought to transfer that energy into being someone for Him.
The truth is, I cannot dream God-sized dreams. I also cannot bear God-sized tragedies. Whether I am realizing dreams or dealing with the loss of them, I need the One who created me and loves me."
I love how she didn't say "don't dwell and just be content". She acknowledges that she had to grieve. I think if you don't stop to grieve and accept reality, you will grow bitter....you may be all smiles and claims of contentment at first, but the reality of life's unfairness will eventually hit you. But she also focused on gaining new dreams, ones she had not even planned on.
A lot of times, waiting is tough because what you are waiting on isn't "bad" or sinful. It's one thing for God to say no to something sinful or selfishly wanted, but the desire to be a wife and mother isn't bad at all! In fact, its good, so why all the waiting, feeling as if you wanted something you shouldn't have? I don't have the answers, but what I do know is that our small stories play into a much bigger story and the parts we play may be good -- wife, mother, hardworking attorney, sunday school teacher, etc- and the parts also may be filled with dissapointment, but each part is about bringing Glory to our Savior, so even the failed dreams and heartaches and waiting can be used to do that!
I am no fool. I know that marriage does not mean the end of grieving lost dreams. I have no idea what the future holds for Dave and me, but I know that our small little plans won't likely happen as we had hoped or planned. There will be other dissapointments, and if singleness has taugt me anything, its taught me that old dreams can be redeemed and new dreams can be created. I hate that I learned that lesson at 22, but then again, I am glad that I learned that lesson at 22.
So, single women, grieve, don't be afraid to do it. Don't let friends, family or the church scare you out of it. Grieve so that you can move on and accept new dreams, new challenges, new goals. Grieve so that you can run to your Father and be comforted. Grieve because its unattractive to become that tough hard female that has no feelings or emotions. Grieve because its a broken world and you are currently experiancing some of that brokeness. But know the difference between grieving and dwelling. Grieve, but don't spend every moment doing so. Grieve while aiming at moving on. Grieve and yearn for your Savior and new dreams.
So, grieve and cry and struggle...and hope. Hope that blessings will come your way and hope in a Savior that will sustain you. (but that's another topic!)
(Also, small side note: I truly think one of the happiest moments in life is when you've recovered "enough" from the stomach bug to get to drink sprite....seriously, the finest champagne you could ever drink can't possibly taste as delicious as that sprite does at that moment!!)
So on with my series on my final thoughts on singlness....
I stumbled across this article from 3 years ago, and I couldn't agree more.
Life is fabulous for me at the moment (albeit full of stress!!) I am marrying the most amazing man, heading to the west coast for a week long vacation and starting our new life together in a city I love. That being said, things haven't always gone perfectly, nor will they always go perfectly. I would have selected that things go a bit differently, possibly without the pain and embaressment of a broken engagement, but this is the way things went....and I truly had to grieve lost dreams before I embraced new ones. I love the life I am living now, although it wasn't the one I selected.
Some excerpts from the article...
"And I had a choice. Choice No. 1: I could dwell on the deep sense of loss I felt at the death of those dreams, question God's goodness and become bitter. Choice No. 2: I could grieve the things I would not be and ask my loving Father to show me new dreams — the things “no eye has seen” (1 Corinthians 2:9).
But first I had to let go of my expectations for my life. I had to give up control of my circumstances (control I didn't truly have in the first place). I had to accept with joy the things I would never be.
Life doesn't always go well for those who follow God. In fact, sometimes it's the opposite. For reasons only heaven knows, our lives can seem void of goodness.
At some point during my single years, I decided it was futile, and even sinful, to cling to the things I would not be. I could only seek to know better the things I would be: a loving daughter, a loyal friend, an encouraging sister, a devoted follower of Jesus.
Many dreams I couldn't even imagine — they resided in my heart as very basic hope — things unknown to me that I trusted God could do. Instead of wasting my energy on grieving what I would never be, I sought to transfer that energy into being someone for Him.
The truth is, I cannot dream God-sized dreams. I also cannot bear God-sized tragedies. Whether I am realizing dreams or dealing with the loss of them, I need the One who created me and loves me."
I love how she didn't say "don't dwell and just be content". She acknowledges that she had to grieve. I think if you don't stop to grieve and accept reality, you will grow bitter....you may be all smiles and claims of contentment at first, but the reality of life's unfairness will eventually hit you. But she also focused on gaining new dreams, ones she had not even planned on.
A lot of times, waiting is tough because what you are waiting on isn't "bad" or sinful. It's one thing for God to say no to something sinful or selfishly wanted, but the desire to be a wife and mother isn't bad at all! In fact, its good, so why all the waiting, feeling as if you wanted something you shouldn't have? I don't have the answers, but what I do know is that our small stories play into a much bigger story and the parts we play may be good -- wife, mother, hardworking attorney, sunday school teacher, etc- and the parts also may be filled with dissapointment, but each part is about bringing Glory to our Savior, so even the failed dreams and heartaches and waiting can be used to do that!
I am no fool. I know that marriage does not mean the end of grieving lost dreams. I have no idea what the future holds for Dave and me, but I know that our small little plans won't likely happen as we had hoped or planned. There will be other dissapointments, and if singleness has taugt me anything, its taught me that old dreams can be redeemed and new dreams can be created. I hate that I learned that lesson at 22, but then again, I am glad that I learned that lesson at 22.
So, single women, grieve, don't be afraid to do it. Don't let friends, family or the church scare you out of it. Grieve so that you can move on and accept new dreams, new challenges, new goals. Grieve so that you can run to your Father and be comforted. Grieve because its unattractive to become that tough hard female that has no feelings or emotions. Grieve because its a broken world and you are currently experiancing some of that brokeness. But know the difference between grieving and dwelling. Grieve, but don't spend every moment doing so. Grieve while aiming at moving on. Grieve and yearn for your Savior and new dreams.
So, grieve and cry and struggle...and hope. Hope that blessings will come your way and hope in a Savior that will sustain you. (but that's another topic!)
Friday, April 26, 2013
Show Us Your Life: life of a 20something
I am connecting up with Kelly's Korner today for her friday linkup, SHOW US YOUR LIFE series. Today the linkup is for 20somethings without kids.... I wish this had been earlier because I will only be a 20something for 9 more months ....
But, without a doubt, the 20s are great, way better than high school and even better than college (and I liked college, mostly!) The 20s are full of challenges and growing up and if you are single, you don't have someone to "grow up" with, but at the same time it's kindof empowering to grow up on your own and make a life on your own!
Here's a little about me: I am a lawyer in MS and I love family, college football, friends, my church, travelling, Lilly Pulitzer, Navy, Green, all things preppy, running, pedicures, watermelon, margaritas, parties, holidays and costumes! I love Auburn and Ole Miss and DC is my favorite city. I used to love politics but got tired of it, but my goal is to get back into it again soon. Adoption has always had a special place in my heart and I hope one day to get into adoption work, or atleast child advocacy.
I have great parents, 2 amazing sisters, a brother, a brother in law and one nephew....isn't he adorable?
I've had this blog for a couple years because I wanted to blog about adulthood without the husband and kids (since many blogs are mommy blogs) I felt like someone should be honest about the good and bad of life in your 20s, and for the most part, I have tried to do that! I blog about dating, singleness, struggles as well as fashion, cooking (yes I am attempting to learn!), etc In fact, I hope to keep blogging about some of these same single lady topics even when I am married.
When I was 27, I met this sweet fellow (Dave) and we've been pretty inseperable ever since....and I am marrying him in 2 months! He's a soon to be architect and we are eager to find out where God is taking us, but I trust He will provide for us wherever we move. I'm torn: part of me would love to stay in Jackson, but part of me is eager for an adventure with Dave!
Anyways, as my 20s are winding down, I am sad, but not to0 sad -- the 30s sound great! By the end of your 20s, you are more confident in who you are and more settled and its nice.
Here are my suggestions for your 20s:
1. Be adventurous.... this is the time to travel, go to school, volunteer, etc. Single or Married, enjoy these things before kids, because while you can still have adventure afterwards, most mommies will tell you it takes more planning and work!
2. But lay down some roots....I am convinced that what 20s miss the most is a feeling of being settled. Adventure is only so fun, so make sure you settle down-- settling down may just mean making some friends, picking a church home and establishing community. It may mean regular trips to see your family, etc. It may mean a job. You don't have to buy a house or get married to be settled, but make sure by your mid to late 20s you have some routine in your life!
3. Give yourself grace-- you won't be amazing at your job yet, you wont make tons of money, you won't always know the answer, you still need advice from family, etc....it's not like Sex and the City or Friends. You don't have your life together so quickly into adulthood. Accept that and be gracious to yourself.
4. Give others grace. They're still figuring out life too.
5. Expand your circles!! The best thing about my 20s are without a doubt, the friends I made. I just decided to get involved-- join a bible study, say yes to almost every invitation (at first, not as much now that I am settled), host wine nights, etc AND give all types of people a chance. I feel my group of freinds is pretty varied for a small Jackson town. I know tons of different types of people and I am blessed by that.
6. Say yes to almost every date. SERIOUSLY. unless he is a bad guy. If you don't think the guy is "your type", say yes. If he's not super cute, say yes. If he doesn't meet whatever checklist you have, say yes. Why? Because you never know who you will hit it off with. You might be surprised. I am certainly not suggesting you settle, but I also think that giving different guys a chance is a good thing. I am so not a country girl but I fell in love with a country boy....it happens :)
7. Try new things. I just started playing tennis. I am pretty bad at it. Seriously. Everyone on my team is a beginner. But it's fun and its something I always wanted to do. I ran a half marathon (and trained for a full but couldn't run it due to a conflict--- so I still plan on doing that, see? keep trying new things even when you are - gulp- near 30!)
8. Learn to cook. Seriously. You don't want to eat take out forever.
9. If you want to meet a nice guy, don't be ashamed to hope for that. Seriously, people don't shame women for hoping to get pregnant or shame people for hoping to get into med school, but mention that you hope to get married and you'll get a lecture on "lacking contentment" Enjoy your life, be thankful for the blessings you have but keep on hoping to meet a nice guy!
10. ENJOY YOUR ENERGY!! Seriously, you will never have this much energy again. As your 20s wind down, you will see what I mean. I used to go to Kareoke until midnight and get up for work at 530. I'd have a long run scheduled for early Saturday morning yet manage to go out til 2 on Friday. Now, if I do that, I hate life the next day. So, work out, travel and get jet lag, stay up late on a monday night...enjoy your youth :)
ENJOY YOUR 20s!! I sure have!
But, without a doubt, the 20s are great, way better than high school and even better than college (and I liked college, mostly!) The 20s are full of challenges and growing up and if you are single, you don't have someone to "grow up" with, but at the same time it's kindof empowering to grow up on your own and make a life on your own!
Here's a little about me: I am a lawyer in MS and I love family, college football, friends, my church, travelling, Lilly Pulitzer, Navy, Green, all things preppy, running, pedicures, watermelon, margaritas, parties, holidays and costumes! I love Auburn and Ole Miss and DC is my favorite city. I used to love politics but got tired of it, but my goal is to get back into it again soon. Adoption has always had a special place in my heart and I hope one day to get into adoption work, or atleast child advocacy.
I have great parents, 2 amazing sisters, a brother, a brother in law and one nephew....isn't he adorable?
I've had this blog for a couple years because I wanted to blog about adulthood without the husband and kids (since many blogs are mommy blogs) I felt like someone should be honest about the good and bad of life in your 20s, and for the most part, I have tried to do that! I blog about dating, singleness, struggles as well as fashion, cooking (yes I am attempting to learn!), etc In fact, I hope to keep blogging about some of these same single lady topics even when I am married.
When I was 27, I met this sweet fellow (Dave) and we've been pretty inseperable ever since....and I am marrying him in 2 months! He's a soon to be architect and we are eager to find out where God is taking us, but I trust He will provide for us wherever we move. I'm torn: part of me would love to stay in Jackson, but part of me is eager for an adventure with Dave!
Anyways, as my 20s are winding down, I am sad, but not to0 sad -- the 30s sound great! By the end of your 20s, you are more confident in who you are and more settled and its nice.
Here are my suggestions for your 20s:
1. Be adventurous.... this is the time to travel, go to school, volunteer, etc. Single or Married, enjoy these things before kids, because while you can still have adventure afterwards, most mommies will tell you it takes more planning and work!
2. But lay down some roots....I am convinced that what 20s miss the most is a feeling of being settled. Adventure is only so fun, so make sure you settle down-- settling down may just mean making some friends, picking a church home and establishing community. It may mean regular trips to see your family, etc. It may mean a job. You don't have to buy a house or get married to be settled, but make sure by your mid to late 20s you have some routine in your life!
3. Give yourself grace-- you won't be amazing at your job yet, you wont make tons of money, you won't always know the answer, you still need advice from family, etc....it's not like Sex and the City or Friends. You don't have your life together so quickly into adulthood. Accept that and be gracious to yourself.
4. Give others grace. They're still figuring out life too.
5. Expand your circles!! The best thing about my 20s are without a doubt, the friends I made. I just decided to get involved-- join a bible study, say yes to almost every invitation (at first, not as much now that I am settled), host wine nights, etc AND give all types of people a chance. I feel my group of freinds is pretty varied for a small Jackson town. I know tons of different types of people and I am blessed by that.
6. Say yes to almost every date. SERIOUSLY. unless he is a bad guy. If you don't think the guy is "your type", say yes. If he's not super cute, say yes. If he doesn't meet whatever checklist you have, say yes. Why? Because you never know who you will hit it off with. You might be surprised. I am certainly not suggesting you settle, but I also think that giving different guys a chance is a good thing. I am so not a country girl but I fell in love with a country boy....it happens :)
7. Try new things. I just started playing tennis. I am pretty bad at it. Seriously. Everyone on my team is a beginner. But it's fun and its something I always wanted to do. I ran a half marathon (and trained for a full but couldn't run it due to a conflict--- so I still plan on doing that, see? keep trying new things even when you are - gulp- near 30!)
8. Learn to cook. Seriously. You don't want to eat take out forever.
9. If you want to meet a nice guy, don't be ashamed to hope for that. Seriously, people don't shame women for hoping to get pregnant or shame people for hoping to get into med school, but mention that you hope to get married and you'll get a lecture on "lacking contentment" Enjoy your life, be thankful for the blessings you have but keep on hoping to meet a nice guy!
10. ENJOY YOUR ENERGY!! Seriously, you will never have this much energy again. As your 20s wind down, you will see what I mean. I used to go to Kareoke until midnight and get up for work at 530. I'd have a long run scheduled for early Saturday morning yet manage to go out til 2 on Friday. Now, if I do that, I hate life the next day. So, work out, travel and get jet lag, stay up late on a monday night...enjoy your youth :)
ENJOY YOUR 20s!! I sure have!
Leaving
This week I moved out of my house in Jackson, and despite the fact that I am so so so thrilled to marry Dave in 2 months, I would be lying if I didn't say I teared up a bit. Jackson has been good to me, Belhaven has been good to me and those roomies and friends have been good to me.
Law School was a very hard time for me. I had a few friends but nothing nearly as concrete as my friend groups here in Jackson. I was still recovering from an ended relationship and well, I was in law school, which is a lot of work!! I really didn't enjoy life then.
But Jackson was the completely different! I ended up here by default. It wasn't my first choice but I found a home and community and was involved.
I did not want to be single in my mid 20s but if you are going to be single, you might as well do it right. And boy did we... themed parties, wine nights, fun dates, bad dates, late night chats, chick flicks, ole miss games, trips, walks, etc. Some of us have gotten married, some are in serious relationships, some aresingle -- but we remain good friends, because we actually were like substitute family for eachother.
As we were leaving, my mom said, "these were happy years for you" -- and they really were. While I think if all of us were honest, we would have to admit that we always still wanted to meet the right guy, we were happy. I felt like I was living life to its fullest. Sure, there was a lot I wanted to change, but my life was still full of blessings.
I know as I am typing this that there are some people reading it and saying, "see singleness isn't that bad" And the truth is that its still very frustrating. It's still dissapointment after bad dates and worrying about meeting someone and breakups and lonely nights and concern over who should be your plus one. and feeling left behind.... I don't want to downplay the really hard parts...because they are hard!
But, at the same time, there are some really happy parts. I know that wherever we move, I will likely not have a group of friends like this ever again. We were able to totally become involved in eachother's lives. We were the ones you sipped wine with after a breakup and the ones you went to dinner with to celebrate your promotion....And that was such a blessing.
And although having roomies can drive you crazy at times (and trust me there were plenty of times when I was mad!), I think its also good preparation for marriage as you learn to hold your toungue, speak kindly, be patient and solve conflict. (note: you sometimes learn from failing at these things!) And you also get to know some really great girls.
As excited as I am to get a more permenant roomate in just a couple months, I am slightly sad to be out of the phase of life where I lived with girls and spent so much time with girls. Sure, it had its moments of drama, but it was also so much fun.
I think I lost a lot in being single in my 20s, but I also gained a lot too. Fabulous friends and great roomies was one of those things!
Law School was a very hard time for me. I had a few friends but nothing nearly as concrete as my friend groups here in Jackson. I was still recovering from an ended relationship and well, I was in law school, which is a lot of work!! I really didn't enjoy life then.
But Jackson was the completely different! I ended up here by default. It wasn't my first choice but I found a home and community and was involved.
I did not want to be single in my mid 20s but if you are going to be single, you might as well do it right. And boy did we... themed parties, wine nights, fun dates, bad dates, late night chats, chick flicks, ole miss games, trips, walks, etc. Some of us have gotten married, some are in serious relationships, some aresingle -- but we remain good friends, because we actually were like substitute family for eachother.
As we were leaving, my mom said, "these were happy years for you" -- and they really were. While I think if all of us were honest, we would have to admit that we always still wanted to meet the right guy, we were happy. I felt like I was living life to its fullest. Sure, there was a lot I wanted to change, but my life was still full of blessings.
I know as I am typing this that there are some people reading it and saying, "see singleness isn't that bad" And the truth is that its still very frustrating. It's still dissapointment after bad dates and worrying about meeting someone and breakups and lonely nights and concern over who should be your plus one. and feeling left behind.... I don't want to downplay the really hard parts...because they are hard!
But, at the same time, there are some really happy parts. I know that wherever we move, I will likely not have a group of friends like this ever again. We were able to totally become involved in eachother's lives. We were the ones you sipped wine with after a breakup and the ones you went to dinner with to celebrate your promotion....And that was such a blessing.
And although having roomies can drive you crazy at times (and trust me there were plenty of times when I was mad!), I think its also good preparation for marriage as you learn to hold your toungue, speak kindly, be patient and solve conflict. (note: you sometimes learn from failing at these things!) And you also get to know some really great girls.
As excited as I am to get a more permenant roomate in just a couple months, I am slightly sad to be out of the phase of life where I lived with girls and spent so much time with girls. Sure, it had its moments of drama, but it was also so much fun.
I think I lost a lot in being single in my 20s, but I also gained a lot too. Fabulous friends and great roomies was one of those things!
Friday, February 15, 2013
Plans
Yesterday I read this article: You May or May Not Get Married.....
I feel like you could title this article, "You may or may not have kids" "You may or may not get into med school" "You may or may not have x job" But even so, God is still good.
Sometimes this is hard to swallow. Sometimes the message is given flippantly by people who have no idea what it feels to miss out on something. But its good to know- and remind ourselves-- that God still has a plan.
I like plans. In fact I live for plans. I don't know what kind of love language that qualifies me for under the "5 love languages" but knowing Dave is making birthday dinner plans for me is almost more important than the actual plans. When he takes time to look up hotels, etc for our honeymoon, I feel special - not because of the trip per se, but because he is planning for me! Likewise, when a friend makes plans to see me, as opposed to just dropping by, I am super excited. I guess its because I like certainty and because, I, by nature, am pretty thoughtful and plan things out so I feel loved if you plan things out to be with me, see me, or celebrate with me!
So, I really related to this paragraph by the author:
"It’s a funny thing when we try and live out our idea of a plan. We quickly discover that living out God’s plan is more of a dream come true than any Disney movie could have premiered. It’s just a dream we never imagined."
Probably the most comforting realization that I came to during my single years - and constantly struggled with - is that there was a plan for my life. Not my plan, but a plan. In moments where you feel there is no plan, that is pretty comforting and amazing! My life wasn't just in between chaos. God was not surprised one moment by my broken engagement, recent breakup, lonely weekend night in, new romance, years of singleness, first date, etc.
I'll be honest. I still get upset about once a week that I am getting married at 29. I won't have kids til my 30s. I never expected to be married at 22. I didn't even long for that as a child, but I also never expected to wait so long. It doesn't seem fair. And if life happened according to your plan, then you may not know the mixed feelings of joy and loss singleness and dating brings. Consider yourself lucky. Even now, while overjoyed to get married to such a great guy, I still find myself asking, "why couldn't it have been earlier?" Mixed into the joy is a level of mourning that life turned out so differently than I anticipated. Maybe it will be better, maybe I will love this plan more, but I still lost my plan -- and it was a good plan, not a sinful evil plan. The thing is, God knew I would meet Dave at 27. He knew I would get married at 29. He knew my single years would have ups and downs and rude comments and ministry and joyful moments and nights of tears. He knew He would use it to shape me into the woman He is making me to be. He knew he would use it daily to remind me of the gospel. So its quite possible that I gained a lot more than I lost with His plan. And, I find a lot of comfort in knowing He had a plan, even a plan that hurt me sometimes.
That being said, there will still be mourning (and I know my single ladies understand that) I have wrinkles on my eyes that weren't there at 22. I wanted a few years of marriage before thinking about kids. But God had a plan, and it will likely turn out that this plan is far better than I imagined. Its still a loss that I have to accept slowly, and if you walked down the aisle the summer you graduated college and have 2 kids now, you don't understand. Just like I won't ever understand someone who does't get married til 35 or who applies to grad school a few times before being accepted or tries for 10 years to have babies.
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I know so many people who are mourning a life that isn't what they wanted. Waiting for kids, a spouse, a job, etc. In the midst of the mourning, while grieving the fact that our good plans failed, I pray we find comfort in knowing someone loved us enough to have a plan. He knew the pains and losses before they happened and He knew how He would step in and provide.
Friday, January 4, 2013
THE BLAME GAME
I loved this article on how blaming women for their singleness isn't really helping. I had to share.
What I hated during my single days (and I don't mean that to sound like I am so far past my single days because I am not!) is the constant shame and blame you got as a single. I've spoken of this before.
Whether its Christian authors, speakers of well-meaning friends and family (or not so well meaning friends and family), there is constantly a desire to explain why so many people in my generation are still single....and usually the blame is placed on us. (forgetting to face the fact that many many 20somethings grew up in divorced homes or witnessing divorced homes).
There is a lot of blame or explination of why men are still single (the video game culture, extended childhoods, etc) but there always seems to be a critique on women (or maybe I felt this the most since I am a woman)....particularly on working women (although I still beg the question: what are women supposed to do while waiting for a spouse? Even those that want to be SAHM's have to support themselves until that point!)
Sometimes I read or was told that because I am a lawyer, I didn't value marriage enough and gave off the impression that I was too independent and career oriented. Sometimes I was told the opposite: I wanted marriage too much which must be chasing men away. Some views were that certainly I was too unfriendly and unwelcoming to men. Sometimes the impression was that I must be too forward, not letting men be men. My standards must be too high, passing on all eligible men. My standards must be too low, settling for men who don't have my values and beliefs and it will certainly fail and then I'll be single again and wondering why my dating relationships don't work!
Not only was I blamed, I was blamed either way I turned! No matter what I did, I was at fault.
Additionally, I need to lose weight, dress differently, always be done up, be gorgeous....all while lowering my expectations of how I want the man to look. Men's attraction is based on appearance after all, and we women shouldn't be too picky because we don't value appearance at all and need not hold men to the same physical standards they hold us to. (note: I agree on not placing too much value on appearance, but I find it unfair that men are allowed to yet women shouldn't!)
Additionally, I must have a difficult personality or be bitter. Maybe I'm a little strange....possibly I'm not very feminine and warm. There's always a reason....and in some ways, I get it, we want to explain away the situation. Certainly so many women must be single for a reason!
Also, many times, this blaming comes from those who are married, implying: get your act together lady so you can be mariable like me. There's a level of false prosperity gospel being taught with these messages on singleness and a level of pride in being one of the ones who were marriable.
This approach of blaming leaves women struggling with singleness (which they already were struggling!) and on top of that, hating and blaming themselves. But finally I came to the realization that I had some things I could change about my personality, appearance and approach, but as a whole, there was nothing that made me unmarriable...just circumstances.
That's why I loved this article. The truth is that with the ratio of Christian men to Christian women (3:2), there are a lot of single women. Likely, thats not changing any time soon and sadly, we will continue to see older singles. Is the best thing the church and Christians can do? Make women feel horrible about themselves? If some women face many years single, then perhaps the church can encourage dating and marriage, help train Godly men and at the very least, be a shelter and place of community for singles, particularly single women.
I'm actually not opposed to dating advice and self help books and I truly do think that if you have weight to lose, lose it (single or married) and it might help you date more. You probably have things you can do to improve your personality and I sure hope you do. And I sure plan on continuing to work on myself, even with a ring on my hand. I didn't suddenly become good enough. And had I never gotten married, I'd still have a whole list of wonderful personality traits (and some not so good one).
Do I know some women who its understandable why they aren't married? sure....but I know a lot more women that I am left scratching my head and wondering how she is not taken yet....and I know a few women who are difficult that are married!!There are mean women who are married and mean women who are single, so the sweet kind women aren't those who get to get married.
So do yourself a favor. If you are single, quit listening to everyone come up with reasons why you are single: independence, shyness, law degree, etc Trust the counsel of a few close people and work on your flaws, but know that providence and circumstances may have more to do with your singlness than anything else. If you aren't single, don't associate marital status with success or favor or being qualified. Love your single sisters and include them. Offer encouragement, love and even the occasional advice (no, carhart overalls aren't a good first date clothing choice, etc) -- but don't offer blame. You aren't any better....It could just as easilly be you that was single.
What I hated during my single days (and I don't mean that to sound like I am so far past my single days because I am not!) is the constant shame and blame you got as a single. I've spoken of this before.
Whether its Christian authors, speakers of well-meaning friends and family (or not so well meaning friends and family), there is constantly a desire to explain why so many people in my generation are still single....and usually the blame is placed on us. (forgetting to face the fact that many many 20somethings grew up in divorced homes or witnessing divorced homes).
There is a lot of blame or explination of why men are still single (the video game culture, extended childhoods, etc) but there always seems to be a critique on women (or maybe I felt this the most since I am a woman)....particularly on working women (although I still beg the question: what are women supposed to do while waiting for a spouse? Even those that want to be SAHM's have to support themselves until that point!)
Sometimes I read or was told that because I am a lawyer, I didn't value marriage enough and gave off the impression that I was too independent and career oriented. Sometimes I was told the opposite: I wanted marriage too much which must be chasing men away. Some views were that certainly I was too unfriendly and unwelcoming to men. Sometimes the impression was that I must be too forward, not letting men be men. My standards must be too high, passing on all eligible men. My standards must be too low, settling for men who don't have my values and beliefs and it will certainly fail and then I'll be single again and wondering why my dating relationships don't work!
Not only was I blamed, I was blamed either way I turned! No matter what I did, I was at fault.
Additionally, I need to lose weight, dress differently, always be done up, be gorgeous....all while lowering my expectations of how I want the man to look. Men's attraction is based on appearance after all, and we women shouldn't be too picky because we don't value appearance at all and need not hold men to the same physical standards they hold us to. (note: I agree on not placing too much value on appearance, but I find it unfair that men are allowed to yet women shouldn't!)
Additionally, I must have a difficult personality or be bitter. Maybe I'm a little strange....possibly I'm not very feminine and warm. There's always a reason....and in some ways, I get it, we want to explain away the situation. Certainly so many women must be single for a reason!
Also, many times, this blaming comes from those who are married, implying: get your act together lady so you can be mariable like me. There's a level of false prosperity gospel being taught with these messages on singleness and a level of pride in being one of the ones who were marriable.
This approach of blaming leaves women struggling with singleness (which they already were struggling!) and on top of that, hating and blaming themselves. But finally I came to the realization that I had some things I could change about my personality, appearance and approach, but as a whole, there was nothing that made me unmarriable...just circumstances.
That's why I loved this article. The truth is that with the ratio of Christian men to Christian women (3:2), there are a lot of single women. Likely, thats not changing any time soon and sadly, we will continue to see older singles. Is the best thing the church and Christians can do? Make women feel horrible about themselves? If some women face many years single, then perhaps the church can encourage dating and marriage, help train Godly men and at the very least, be a shelter and place of community for singles, particularly single women.
I'm actually not opposed to dating advice and self help books and I truly do think that if you have weight to lose, lose it (single or married) and it might help you date more. You probably have things you can do to improve your personality and I sure hope you do. And I sure plan on continuing to work on myself, even with a ring on my hand. I didn't suddenly become good enough. And had I never gotten married, I'd still have a whole list of wonderful personality traits (and some not so good one).
Do I know some women who its understandable why they aren't married? sure....but I know a lot more women that I am left scratching my head and wondering how she is not taken yet....and I know a few women who are difficult that are married!!There are mean women who are married and mean women who are single, so the sweet kind women aren't those who get to get married.
So do yourself a favor. If you are single, quit listening to everyone come up with reasons why you are single: independence, shyness, law degree, etc Trust the counsel of a few close people and work on your flaws, but know that providence and circumstances may have more to do with your singlness than anything else. If you aren't single, don't associate marital status with success or favor or being qualified. Love your single sisters and include them. Offer encouragement, love and even the occasional advice (no, carhart overalls aren't a good first date clothing choice, etc) -- but don't offer blame. You aren't any better....It could just as easilly be you that was single.
Monday, December 10, 2012
12 ways to Celebrate Christmas as a Single
I am starting a new 12 days of Christmas series: posts on Christmas (motivated of course by hearing the song on the radio yesterday). I thought it would be a fun theme to carry out. First topic: 12 ways to enjoy and celebrate Christmas a Single.
(1) Read an Advent Devotional or celebrate Advent in some way!
Celebrate Advent. Spend time praying, waiting expectantly on the Lord and reading through an advent calendar. I bought a small one on sale for 1.00 (one of those tiny paper checkbook sized devos) at Lifeway Christian bookstore. I also bought "The Purpose Driven Christmas". Here is John Piper's daily devo (I am a few days behind and need to catch up!) Celebrate the coming of the Lord, both two centuries ago, in the future and daily in our lives! (IF IT DOESN'T DOWNLOAD, EMAIL ME AND I WILL EMAIL YOU THIS EBOOK BY PIPER)
(2) Get your shopping done early - and make it a fun day!
Shop early so you can spend your last couple weeks before Christmas going to parties, with family, watching movies, baking! And make it fun -- meet another girl for shopping and post shopping drinks! Make sure to stop for coffee during your shopping excursion! This is a recommendation for all women, not just single ladies! Shopping usually starts out as fun for me but gets old quickly - make it a girls days and enjoy the small blessings while doing so like warm seasonal coffee, Christmas music and lights! This year, I can't do this because of the 7 days a week working schedule, but I do really think that if you shop early and make it fun and not stressful, you can enjoy your holiday more! (PS, I am practically finished shopping, I just didn't get to make it a fun holiday event this year! But atleast I am done early!)
(3) Go to parties
SERIOUSLY, this is the best part about being young and childless...I don't have to think about if I can go to a party this weekend or if I have to find a babysitter, go to a pre-k Christmas program, etc...I just want to go so I go! Particularly if you are new in town or a little lonely, say yes to every single party you are invited to! Enjoy celebrating, dressing up, meeting new people, possibly meeting new men! I certainly don't think Christmas parties are the reason for the season....but if we are spending a month celebrating, they are a fun addition!
(4) Decorate!
It doesn't have to be over the top, but buy a couple decorations each year...a wreath, a garland, a few santas, a nativity scene, a small tree. Like so many other things in life, I've heard some friends say I'll decorate when I get married. Only one year did I not decorate and I felt so sad....the holiday is supposed to be enjoyed by all, even those who don't have families yet!
(5) Invest in a couple "holiday" outfits!
Seriously, part of growing up in a southern family meant appropriately themed outfits. I can remember wearing Christmas dresses and shirts growing up and posing for holiday pictures in them. As a mother, you are buying cute outfits for your children and maybe even a fun shirt or two for yourself. As a single, you should buy a "holiday" outfit - to wear to parties, church, etc! This year, I purchased a gold sequin skirt. Last year I bought a black sparkly skirt and I have a few "dressier" tops for parties. Just like when you are a kid or when you will one day dress your kids, its fun to have a reason to dress up. And you can wear holiday attire without putting on a tacky sweater! (More importantly, holiday parties are great place to meet people so you want to look nice and feel pretty!)
(6) Find others that are lonely and invest with them.
There are others you know who are feeling lonely - probably lonelier than you. I very much support donating to charities during the holidays (or any time!) but I also think we are called to minister to those you know. Do you know someone who is new in town who might want to be included in some holiday events or want to have dinner with you? Is a friend stressed as a new mom or going through a divorce? Could you bring over a bottle of wine and a holiday movie? Are there other singles who don't have family nearby? Could you plan a sunday night dinner? Focus on others, I know its cliche and it doesn't fix all your problems, but we are called to love others like Christ loves us and I think we benefit from caring well for others!
(7) Send out Christmas cards!
This is one of those things that I avoided for awhile, thinking I will get married and send out picture cards....with family pics on them! But, the truth is, I am an adult now and I have friends and I should send them holiday cards. I always feel like such a grownup when I mail out my cards...and since I don't have a family pic to place in the card, I always right a personal note to the reciever. I am fortunate to have friends all over the country and world and love the idea of sending them holiday cheer. Plus, people generally send cards to those that send them cards. and I LOVE getting beautiful pictures of sweet babies and couples to put on my fridge!! It reminds me of all I do have!
(8) Take a night in.
The holiday season as a single is simultaneously hard and fun! It is hard for obvious reasons but since you have the freedom to go to every Christms party you want to without hiring a babysitter, it can be a blast to be single during December....BUT it can also be exhausting. My favorite holiday night last year was my 3 roomies and me curling up for Christmas movies, homemade cookies and sushi! Families (by financial necessity or by plan) take nights in to relax. You should to! Pick a couple nights where you watch movies, wear your sweats, drink cocoa and bake cookies. Invite a boyfriend or girlfriends over - or do it by yourself! But, either way, give yourself a deserved night in!
(9) Take a moment to mourn, so that you can spend the rest of the time celebrating!
This is very important. Don't lie to yourself and pretend that you are happy with all of your circumstances. Take time, whether it be 15 minutes a night before bed or a hour before facing the family celebration, etc to feel your frustration, petition the Lord, and confess your lack of contentment. Spend time praying and in scripture. I think that if you admit that your holiday season or life in general is not exactly what you pictured for this stage in life, then you can move on and celebrate and enjoy the good parts. I think a lot of well meaning folks try to convince singles or those that are hurting that they should not be so self focused and remember what Christmas is about, which is not about us! But, taking time to address your hurt allows you to focus on Christ's coming with a clear heart!
(10) Do a few "child-like" holiday activities.
Grab some friends and go see santa! Bake sugar cookies. Watch Charlie Brown Christmas! What were traditions you liked as a child that you feel you can't do now? Forget your preconceived notions on whats a family activity or an adult activity and do what you like! I decorated a gingerbread house this weekend!
(11) Celebrate with the family you do have....
You don't have a husband and kids yet. You do (most likely) have a family. So life could be way worse. Make sure to celebrate with them. Enjoy seeing them over the holidays. Enjoy the blessing of having people you love who love you!
(12) But feel free to start your own traditions and holiday plays as well!
Enjoy your family, but don't feel pressured to be with them 24-7. I think a lot of leniancy is given to married couples about starting their own traditions. But singles are often times expected to show up (I don't say this from experiance because my parents are pretty supportive of us doing what we want to do, but I know its an issue for many!) Just because you are single doesnt mean you have to show up at every single family event this season. You may miss a party or two. You have the freedom to start your own traditions too!
(1) Read an Advent Devotional or celebrate Advent in some way!
Celebrate Advent. Spend time praying, waiting expectantly on the Lord and reading through an advent calendar. I bought a small one on sale for 1.00 (one of those tiny paper checkbook sized devos) at Lifeway Christian bookstore. I also bought "The Purpose Driven Christmas". Here is John Piper's daily devo (I am a few days behind and need to catch up!) Celebrate the coming of the Lord, both two centuries ago, in the future and daily in our lives! (IF IT DOESN'T DOWNLOAD, EMAIL ME AND I WILL EMAIL YOU THIS EBOOK BY PIPER)
(2) Get your shopping done early - and make it a fun day!
Shop early so you can spend your last couple weeks before Christmas going to parties, with family, watching movies, baking! And make it fun -- meet another girl for shopping and post shopping drinks! Make sure to stop for coffee during your shopping excursion! This is a recommendation for all women, not just single ladies! Shopping usually starts out as fun for me but gets old quickly - make it a girls days and enjoy the small blessings while doing so like warm seasonal coffee, Christmas music and lights! This year, I can't do this because of the 7 days a week working schedule, but I do really think that if you shop early and make it fun and not stressful, you can enjoy your holiday more! (PS, I am practically finished shopping, I just didn't get to make it a fun holiday event this year! But atleast I am done early!)
(3) Go to parties
SERIOUSLY, this is the best part about being young and childless...I don't have to think about if I can go to a party this weekend or if I have to find a babysitter, go to a pre-k Christmas program, etc...I just want to go so I go! Particularly if you are new in town or a little lonely, say yes to every single party you are invited to! Enjoy celebrating, dressing up, meeting new people, possibly meeting new men! I certainly don't think Christmas parties are the reason for the season....but if we are spending a month celebrating, they are a fun addition!
(4) Decorate!
It doesn't have to be over the top, but buy a couple decorations each year...a wreath, a garland, a few santas, a nativity scene, a small tree. Like so many other things in life, I've heard some friends say I'll decorate when I get married. Only one year did I not decorate and I felt so sad....the holiday is supposed to be enjoyed by all, even those who don't have families yet!
(5) Invest in a couple "holiday" outfits!
Seriously, part of growing up in a southern family meant appropriately themed outfits. I can remember wearing Christmas dresses and shirts growing up and posing for holiday pictures in them. As a mother, you are buying cute outfits for your children and maybe even a fun shirt or two for yourself. As a single, you should buy a "holiday" outfit - to wear to parties, church, etc! This year, I purchased a gold sequin skirt. Last year I bought a black sparkly skirt and I have a few "dressier" tops for parties. Just like when you are a kid or when you will one day dress your kids, its fun to have a reason to dress up. And you can wear holiday attire without putting on a tacky sweater! (More importantly, holiday parties are great place to meet people so you want to look nice and feel pretty!)
(6) Find others that are lonely and invest with them.
There are others you know who are feeling lonely - probably lonelier than you. I very much support donating to charities during the holidays (or any time!) but I also think we are called to minister to those you know. Do you know someone who is new in town who might want to be included in some holiday events or want to have dinner with you? Is a friend stressed as a new mom or going through a divorce? Could you bring over a bottle of wine and a holiday movie? Are there other singles who don't have family nearby? Could you plan a sunday night dinner? Focus on others, I know its cliche and it doesn't fix all your problems, but we are called to love others like Christ loves us and I think we benefit from caring well for others!
(7) Send out Christmas cards!
This is one of those things that I avoided for awhile, thinking I will get married and send out picture cards....with family pics on them! But, the truth is, I am an adult now and I have friends and I should send them holiday cards. I always feel like such a grownup when I mail out my cards...and since I don't have a family pic to place in the card, I always right a personal note to the reciever. I am fortunate to have friends all over the country and world and love the idea of sending them holiday cheer. Plus, people generally send cards to those that send them cards. and I LOVE getting beautiful pictures of sweet babies and couples to put on my fridge!! It reminds me of all I do have!
(8) Take a night in.
The holiday season as a single is simultaneously hard and fun! It is hard for obvious reasons but since you have the freedom to go to every Christms party you want to without hiring a babysitter, it can be a blast to be single during December....BUT it can also be exhausting. My favorite holiday night last year was my 3 roomies and me curling up for Christmas movies, homemade cookies and sushi! Families (by financial necessity or by plan) take nights in to relax. You should to! Pick a couple nights where you watch movies, wear your sweats, drink cocoa and bake cookies. Invite a boyfriend or girlfriends over - or do it by yourself! But, either way, give yourself a deserved night in!
(9) Take a moment to mourn, so that you can spend the rest of the time celebrating!
This is very important. Don't lie to yourself and pretend that you are happy with all of your circumstances. Take time, whether it be 15 minutes a night before bed or a hour before facing the family celebration, etc to feel your frustration, petition the Lord, and confess your lack of contentment. Spend time praying and in scripture. I think that if you admit that your holiday season or life in general is not exactly what you pictured for this stage in life, then you can move on and celebrate and enjoy the good parts. I think a lot of well meaning folks try to convince singles or those that are hurting that they should not be so self focused and remember what Christmas is about, which is not about us! But, taking time to address your hurt allows you to focus on Christ's coming with a clear heart!
(10) Do a few "child-like" holiday activities.
Grab some friends and go see santa! Bake sugar cookies. Watch Charlie Brown Christmas! What were traditions you liked as a child that you feel you can't do now? Forget your preconceived notions on whats a family activity or an adult activity and do what you like! I decorated a gingerbread house this weekend!
(11) Celebrate with the family you do have....
You don't have a husband and kids yet. You do (most likely) have a family. So life could be way worse. Make sure to celebrate with them. Enjoy seeing them over the holidays. Enjoy the blessing of having people you love who love you!
(12) But feel free to start your own traditions and holiday plays as well!
Enjoy your family, but don't feel pressured to be with them 24-7. I think a lot of leniancy is given to married couples about starting their own traditions. But singles are often times expected to show up (I don't say this from experiance because my parents are pretty supportive of us doing what we want to do, but I know its an issue for many!) Just because you are single doesnt mean you have to show up at every single family event this season. You may miss a party or two. You have the freedom to start your own traditions too!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Every 20something Single Gal should have...the grand finale!
FINALLY, I am finishing up my series on "What Every 20 something Single Gal should have..."
#28 A SCHEDULE AND ROUTINE THAT ALLOWS SOME DOWN TIME.
Singles have a little more freedom - to travel, be spontaneous, stay up late, go to parties. We don't have to schedule couple time or consider our partner's needs or get a babysitter. And that's good because (a) we need to meet men, we need to be out and about at all the holiday parties, church get togethers and tailgates that we get invited to; and (b) its one of the pluses of singleness that you can and do get to go to, enjoy, and experiance a lot. Even on the days where I have hated singleness, I must admit that this is a perk. :)
However, always being busy is exhausting. And there is a pressure to go go go because what if you miss the most fun party of the year or what if you miss the party where your future husband is. GOODNESS! One of the things I look forward to when I date someone is having more of a schedule, and having a schedule that allows me time to stay in and rest!
Do yourself a favor. Plan well, make a schedule. Go to tons of parties, but KNOW when you need a night in... or when you need to get laundry done. If you have a good schedule, you can plan ahead for a busy weekend full of get togethers and parties because you rested up and did laundry the week before.
ALSO give yourself some routine. Pick a show you watch every week, read for 30 min for bed, do yoga every morning, etc. Routines allow you to feel a little more in control of life.
#29 THE ABILITY TO FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT.
Although you know I believe in being honest about the struggles of singleness while in dialogue, I do believe that you should walk through life without letting singleness hold you back. Walk through your single days like you feel very confident, even on the moments you don't. Don't feel like sitting alone at church when your best friend is out of town? Just dig down deep and do it. Don't want to go another family holiday event alone? Suck it up and get through the day. Don't want to have to answer one more question on your singleness? Buck up and do it.
SINGLENESS requires a confidence and nerve. You learn to walk into parties, church, events alone. You learn to field questions about your dating life. You field off rude comments about how you will understand when you're married. SINGLENESS causes you to crumble or dig down deep, have a little confidence and learn to be polite but firm and independent. Although most moments of your single life may be grand, there will be a time when you may walk into that party feeling 100 percent alone, but put on a smile and fake it til you make it. Seem like the independent confident womean that you don't feel like.
#30 A SET OF TOOLS AND OTHER "MANLY" SKILLS
Face it, you don't have a built-in handy man, so you have three options: learn to do some manly things yourself, make some good male friends (and trade the cookies and other baked goods for their help moving or fixing your sink) or make enough money to call an expect. LIKELY, you will do a combination of all 3. But start with some tools and the ability to kill a roach without screaming ;)
#31 A GRACIOUS DEMEANOR
Being single is tough sometimes -- as I've mentioned, you've got to fake confidence sometimes, learn manly skills, live in hope but prepare for permenant singleness should that be the case, develop your own traditions, meals, households, etc. And you WILL screw up sometimes, probably a lot if you are like me, so have a little grace with yourself - and others. I think a plus of getting married later is that your personality and expectations have a chance to soften. You don't walk into marriage and motherhood expecting them to be easy because you've lived a little more life by the time you've gotten married, and because unfortunately you've seen friends struggle through unhappy marriages and difficult children. So, you know that life must be taken with a grain of salt and with plenty of grace because people let you down and you fail.
So, above all, have a little grace in your 20s. You will faill at dating. You will fail at family. You will fail at work. You will fail with friends. BUT you will also have some successes and lots of growth.
#28 A SCHEDULE AND ROUTINE THAT ALLOWS SOME DOWN TIME.
Singles have a little more freedom - to travel, be spontaneous, stay up late, go to parties. We don't have to schedule couple time or consider our partner's needs or get a babysitter. And that's good because (a) we need to meet men, we need to be out and about at all the holiday parties, church get togethers and tailgates that we get invited to; and (b) its one of the pluses of singleness that you can and do get to go to, enjoy, and experiance a lot. Even on the days where I have hated singleness, I must admit that this is a perk. :)
However, always being busy is exhausting. And there is a pressure to go go go because what if you miss the most fun party of the year or what if you miss the party where your future husband is. GOODNESS! One of the things I look forward to when I date someone is having more of a schedule, and having a schedule that allows me time to stay in and rest!
Do yourself a favor. Plan well, make a schedule. Go to tons of parties, but KNOW when you need a night in... or when you need to get laundry done. If you have a good schedule, you can plan ahead for a busy weekend full of get togethers and parties because you rested up and did laundry the week before.
ALSO give yourself some routine. Pick a show you watch every week, read for 30 min for bed, do yoga every morning, etc. Routines allow you to feel a little more in control of life.
#29 THE ABILITY TO FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT.
Although you know I believe in being honest about the struggles of singleness while in dialogue, I do believe that you should walk through life without letting singleness hold you back. Walk through your single days like you feel very confident, even on the moments you don't. Don't feel like sitting alone at church when your best friend is out of town? Just dig down deep and do it. Don't want to go another family holiday event alone? Suck it up and get through the day. Don't want to have to answer one more question on your singleness? Buck up and do it.
SINGLENESS requires a confidence and nerve. You learn to walk into parties, church, events alone. You learn to field questions about your dating life. You field off rude comments about how you will understand when you're married. SINGLENESS causes you to crumble or dig down deep, have a little confidence and learn to be polite but firm and independent. Although most moments of your single life may be grand, there will be a time when you may walk into that party feeling 100 percent alone, but put on a smile and fake it til you make it. Seem like the independent confident womean that you don't feel like.
#30 A SET OF TOOLS AND OTHER "MANLY" SKILLS
Face it, you don't have a built-in handy man, so you have three options: learn to do some manly things yourself, make some good male friends (and trade the cookies and other baked goods for their help moving or fixing your sink) or make enough money to call an expect. LIKELY, you will do a combination of all 3. But start with some tools and the ability to kill a roach without screaming ;)
#31 A GRACIOUS DEMEANOR
Being single is tough sometimes -- as I've mentioned, you've got to fake confidence sometimes, learn manly skills, live in hope but prepare for permenant singleness should that be the case, develop your own traditions, meals, households, etc. And you WILL screw up sometimes, probably a lot if you are like me, so have a little grace with yourself - and others. I think a plus of getting married later is that your personality and expectations have a chance to soften. You don't walk into marriage and motherhood expecting them to be easy because you've lived a little more life by the time you've gotten married, and because unfortunately you've seen friends struggle through unhappy marriages and difficult children. So, you know that life must be taken with a grain of salt and with plenty of grace because people let you down and you fail.
So, above all, have a little grace in your 20s. You will faill at dating. You will fail at family. You will fail at work. You will fail with friends. BUT you will also have some successes and lots of growth.
Friday, November 16, 2012
#27 The ability (and freedom) to say NO
#27 Every 20something single gal needs the ability and freedom to say NO.
You hear this said a lot regarding moms. You don't have to say yes to every ministry opportunity because your ministry opportunity is at home. You're so busy you don't need to overcommit. Your primary focus should be your kids and husband. Don't overexert yourself so much that you don't have time for your family.
All good advice. and true: mommies should not overcommit (actually ALL people should not overcommit) But the message to singles is usually quite the opposite. Singles are portrayed as having so much time. They can fully invest in youth group and making meals and volunteering. In fact, if singles enjoy their time, they are often presented as being selfish and self focused.
But, the truth is (and I have learned this the hard way) -- YOU need time for you. So pick a couple of things to say yes to and say no to the rest. Single women have jobs. Single women have to be social -- this is not an option if you want to possibly meet someone. Single women have relationships they pour into like friends, families, boyfriends, etc. So, sometimes, single women have more time, but sometimes they don't.
The truth is all people should minister to others -- just no person or group can do it all!!! So, don't be made to feel like you're single so you have all the time in the world. Pick a couple things and do it well. And say NO and don't feel guilty about saying NO. You need time to start a family too which means you need time to meet people and be social and date. Even if you stay single, you need time for you and for work and life! So, say no...the first time is hard, but then its more freeing. And, pour yourself into the activities and volunteer opportunities you say yes to!
You hear this said a lot regarding moms. You don't have to say yes to every ministry opportunity because your ministry opportunity is at home. You're so busy you don't need to overcommit. Your primary focus should be your kids and husband. Don't overexert yourself so much that you don't have time for your family.
All good advice. and true: mommies should not overcommit (actually ALL people should not overcommit) But the message to singles is usually quite the opposite. Singles are portrayed as having so much time. They can fully invest in youth group and making meals and volunteering. In fact, if singles enjoy their time, they are often presented as being selfish and self focused.
But, the truth is (and I have learned this the hard way) -- YOU need time for you. So pick a couple of things to say yes to and say no to the rest. Single women have jobs. Single women have to be social -- this is not an option if you want to possibly meet someone. Single women have relationships they pour into like friends, families, boyfriends, etc. So, sometimes, single women have more time, but sometimes they don't.
The truth is all people should minister to others -- just no person or group can do it all!!! So, don't be made to feel like you're single so you have all the time in the world. Pick a couple things and do it well. And say NO and don't feel guilty about saying NO. You need time to start a family too which means you need time to meet people and be social and date. Even if you stay single, you need time for you and for work and life! So, say no...the first time is hard, but then its more freeing. And, pour yourself into the activities and volunteer opportunities you say yes to!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Every 20something gal needs #25-26
#25 Every 20something single gal needs a quality purse and an evening clutch.
Once again, I did this series for the "single gal" but truth is, it applies to all 20something gals. Gone are the days of carrying around a purse from target. It's time to invest in a quality piece. This doesn't have to be designer but should be a solid and preferably a neutral (if you only invest in one purse) There is a time for FUN CHEAP PURSES but when you are going to an interview or business meeting, you need something nicer. If you have a decdent outfit but throw on a cheap looking purse, your look drops a couple notches in quality.
Some tips:
Now your clutch/formal purse doesn't have to be expensive. But you do need a bag or two that you can carry in the evening that can contain your phone cash, license and a lipstick and mascara. Although I have a couple Tory evening purses I would LOVE to have, I think you should first invest your money in a solid brown or bag purse. CHEAP IS OK and this is all the more reason to buy an evening bag...you can get one at steinmart or a cheap boutique for under 30 and you will look complete and ready for the party in no time.
#26 Every 20something single gal needs accountability.
One of the best things about marriage is that it's an easy way to have iron sharpening iron as the Bible says....someone is encouraging you to grow and change and calling you out on things you could change on. As a single, thats harder to find. Build friendships with people who will answer you truthfully - "Yes you are being too picky about who you date" Friendships with people who will ask how your goals are going -- "hows running going? Did you learn to sew like you wanted to?" Have friendships with people who will here your flaws and correct you but still love you - "Ok, letting him stay over that late wasn't wise, but we all make mistakes and its time to forgive yourself and move on."
Also, join groups. I did that with running...I knew without accountability of a group, I wouldn't go. Thats why I think its important (for many reasons) to join a Sunday School class. I could easilly skip church because its inconveniant or I don't want to sit alone, etc, but I know too many people who will ask where I have been.
Also, stay close with your family. It's likely that they feel the freedom to call you out in ways others don't
Once again, I did this series for the "single gal" but truth is, it applies to all 20something gals. Gone are the days of carrying around a purse from target. It's time to invest in a quality piece. This doesn't have to be designer but should be a solid and preferably a neutral (if you only invest in one purse) There is a time for FUN CHEAP PURSES but when you are going to an interview or business meeting, you need something nicer. If you have a decdent outfit but throw on a cheap looking purse, your look drops a couple notches in quality.
Some tips:
- look for designer brands at tj maxx or look when belk, macys, etc is having a sale
- if you can only invest in a brown or black purse, decide which color based on which color you wear more
- look at outlets
- sign up for the emails from kate spady, tory burch, etc and get notifications of their sales.
- if you are a mom or work, make sure its large enough to throw a couple essentials in -- a diaper and bottle, a notepad and file, etc Although you will likely have a brief case or diaper bag, there are those short trips somewhere where you may just want to carry a purse.
- you can find a quality purse that isn't a hot designer
Now your clutch/formal purse doesn't have to be expensive. But you do need a bag or two that you can carry in the evening that can contain your phone cash, license and a lipstick and mascara. Although I have a couple Tory evening purses I would LOVE to have, I think you should first invest your money in a solid brown or bag purse. CHEAP IS OK and this is all the more reason to buy an evening bag...you can get one at steinmart or a cheap boutique for under 30 and you will look complete and ready for the party in no time.
#26 Every 20something single gal needs accountability.
One of the best things about marriage is that it's an easy way to have iron sharpening iron as the Bible says....someone is encouraging you to grow and change and calling you out on things you could change on. As a single, thats harder to find. Build friendships with people who will answer you truthfully - "Yes you are being too picky about who you date" Friendships with people who will ask how your goals are going -- "hows running going? Did you learn to sew like you wanted to?" Have friendships with people who will here your flaws and correct you but still love you - "Ok, letting him stay over that late wasn't wise, but we all make mistakes and its time to forgive yourself and move on."
Also, join groups. I did that with running...I knew without accountability of a group, I wouldn't go. Thats why I think its important (for many reasons) to join a Sunday School class. I could easilly skip church because its inconveniant or I don't want to sit alone, etc, but I know too many people who will ask where I have been.
Also, stay close with your family. It's likely that they feel the freedom to call you out in ways others don't
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Every 20somthing single gal ...#22-24
Bear with me as I finish my October Series....in November (oops!)
22. HOPE for Marriage and Family (if thats your goal) but a solid PLAN B if it doesn't happen.
You are in your 20s or your 30s, no reason to give up hope. I think a lot of people scare singles into thinking you have no chance of marriage past a certain age. But if so many people are still single, is that really true? The age of marriage keeps going up. Many men and women are left and God is still on HIS THRONE. Live in hope of marriage and family (if you desire those things, you may not and thats fine too!) And by live in hope, I mean plan like there is marriage in your future. Get your finances in order (I am trying to do that now), learn to cook, buy a house, dress up and go to events and try to meet new people. Feel free to go to the marriage seminar at church or read a book on relationships and marriage. Never think you have to give up. Enjoy your single days - don't waste them, but plan for marriage and live as if it will happen. Its fine to have hope and live in that hope.
BUT HAVE A GOOD PLAN B.
Have you thought about how life will be if you don't take the traditional marriage and babies route? DO IT. Play the scenerio out in your head. Some people would tell you not to because you might worry about the future too much. But, really, play it out...and get upset and "mourn" the possibility of a permenantly single adulthood. Now, imagine the best single adulthood possible.
I did this and it was upsetting, but it was also freeing. PERMENANTLY SINGLE KATY would be the best damn aunt there is (the kind who takes her nieces and nephews on trips!), would travel the world, would go on missions trips, would enjoy holidays with her family but would feel free to do her own thing (just like married folks are free to miss the occasional family event), would never let herself "go" just because she was single, would still date and enjoy life, would host dinner parties, would likely adopt a baby, would be involved in a church home, would move to a cool city, would continue her education, would learn to cook better meals, would run a marathon, would decorate a home.
That's still not the life I planned, but its a DAMN GOOD PLAN B. So, go ahead, feel free to make a Plan B - just in case, but make it a good Plan B!! In fact, my plan B is so good that if and when I get married, there will be some aspects of it I miss (and I am sure Baby Jack will miss the trips I had planned on taking him on haha!)
23. Adult relationships with your parents (and siblings).
This will look differently for everyone. Maybe you have an overinvolved family and you just have to decide that you will respect them but draw boundaries. Maybe you have a family who wasn't there so you just have to decide to forgive your parents and love them but not trust your heart to them. At a certain point, you have to establish your own belief system, your own goals and your own life....but this can be done in a way that respects your parents.
Allowing yourself to be manipulated or manipulate, to bully or be bullied, etc is childish and not helpful. Your parents don't need to control your marriage and family one day so you need to establish your independence now.
(SIDENOTE: I am blessed to have respectful parents, so this isn't a passive aggressive attack on them, just a realization that at some point, we all have to pull away and grow up. I recently witnessed what happens when this independence never occurs and its sad)
24. A pretty pair of panties and bra (even if just you see it!) and a pair of spanx.
You're an adult. Recognize the importance in the proper undergarments. Have a few pretty pieces and a gurdle or "sucky-in thingy" I don't care how thin you are, you will occasionally have a dress that shows bulges and needs clean lines. And I don't care how conservative you are, but having your granny panties stick up out of your jeans isn't going to attract any men, nor will it make you feel very sexy. So invest in a few young pretty pieces and atleast one adult slimming piece.
Every 20something single gal should have....
22. HOPE for Marriage and Family (if thats your goal) but a solid PLAN B if it doesn't happen.
You are in your 20s or your 30s, no reason to give up hope. I think a lot of people scare singles into thinking you have no chance of marriage past a certain age. But if so many people are still single, is that really true? The age of marriage keeps going up. Many men and women are left and God is still on HIS THRONE. Live in hope of marriage and family (if you desire those things, you may not and thats fine too!) And by live in hope, I mean plan like there is marriage in your future. Get your finances in order (I am trying to do that now), learn to cook, buy a house, dress up and go to events and try to meet new people. Feel free to go to the marriage seminar at church or read a book on relationships and marriage. Never think you have to give up. Enjoy your single days - don't waste them, but plan for marriage and live as if it will happen. Its fine to have hope and live in that hope.
BUT HAVE A GOOD PLAN B.
Have you thought about how life will be if you don't take the traditional marriage and babies route? DO IT. Play the scenerio out in your head. Some people would tell you not to because you might worry about the future too much. But, really, play it out...and get upset and "mourn" the possibility of a permenantly single adulthood. Now, imagine the best single adulthood possible.
I did this and it was upsetting, but it was also freeing. PERMENANTLY SINGLE KATY would be the best damn aunt there is (the kind who takes her nieces and nephews on trips!), would travel the world, would go on missions trips, would enjoy holidays with her family but would feel free to do her own thing (just like married folks are free to miss the occasional family event), would never let herself "go" just because she was single, would still date and enjoy life, would host dinner parties, would likely adopt a baby, would be involved in a church home, would move to a cool city, would continue her education, would learn to cook better meals, would run a marathon, would decorate a home.
That's still not the life I planned, but its a DAMN GOOD PLAN B. So, go ahead, feel free to make a Plan B - just in case, but make it a good Plan B!! In fact, my plan B is so good that if and when I get married, there will be some aspects of it I miss (and I am sure Baby Jack will miss the trips I had planned on taking him on haha!)
23. Adult relationships with your parents (and siblings).
This will look differently for everyone. Maybe you have an overinvolved family and you just have to decide that you will respect them but draw boundaries. Maybe you have a family who wasn't there so you just have to decide to forgive your parents and love them but not trust your heart to them. At a certain point, you have to establish your own belief system, your own goals and your own life....but this can be done in a way that respects your parents.
Allowing yourself to be manipulated or manipulate, to bully or be bullied, etc is childish and not helpful. Your parents don't need to control your marriage and family one day so you need to establish your independence now.
(SIDENOTE: I am blessed to have respectful parents, so this isn't a passive aggressive attack on them, just a realization that at some point, we all have to pull away and grow up. I recently witnessed what happens when this independence never occurs and its sad)
24. A pretty pair of panties and bra (even if just you see it!) and a pair of spanx.
You're an adult. Recognize the importance in the proper undergarments. Have a few pretty pieces and a gurdle or "sucky-in thingy" I don't care how thin you are, you will occasionally have a dress that shows bulges and needs clean lines. And I don't care how conservative you are, but having your granny panties stick up out of your jeans isn't going to attract any men, nor will it make you feel very sexy. So invest in a few young pretty pieces and atleast one adult slimming piece.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
#21 a kick A*** recipe for a dinner dish, appetizer, and dessert
Every 20something single gal (actually, every MARRIED gal too) should have a declicious tried and true recipe she can rely on when cooking dinner, bringing an appetizer to a party (or tailgate) and a delicious dessert recipe.
Truth is, every 20something gal should probably know more than 3 recipes, but lets stick with knowing and mastering 3 classics first. I don't fault single ladies (or even married ladies with no children) for not knowing too much in the kitchen. We work. We get home late. and cooking for one or two people is hard y'all. So its easy to start cooking chicken breasts, lean cuisines, and making sandwiches. On a fancy night, spaghetti. Which is FINE AND DANDY most nights....
But, then what do you do when its your turn to host supper club? Or several dates in to a relationship, you want to cook for your MR? Or someone asks you to bring a cake to a baby shower?
Pick a few recipes and figure them out. They don't have to be fancy, but they shouldn't be slice and bake cookies either.
Tips and Tricks:
1. Invite friends over and make a recipe. No one likes eating the same recipe 4 times in a row, so this will cut down on leftovers.
2. Make a dessert that you want to try or perfect, then take the rest of the cake to work.
3. Do a potluck with friends. We have done a couple saturday brunches and all tried breakfast recipes.
4. Cut recipes in half.
5. Look for recipes with 5-10 ingredients. Enough to be tasty and not "out of a box" tasting but not too many to be overwhelming and expensive.
6. Realize that its ok if you're not Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray. But a few classic "go to"recipes" is a must at our age.
7. Pinterest. Seriously, you can learn to cook from Pinterest Recipes!
My top 3 go to recipes??
1. Chili
2. Chocolate Chip Pound Cake
3. Cheese Straws
None are super complicated. None have more than 5-10 ingrediants. All are well liked. :)
Truth is, every 20something gal should probably know more than 3 recipes, but lets stick with knowing and mastering 3 classics first. I don't fault single ladies (or even married ladies with no children) for not knowing too much in the kitchen. We work. We get home late. and cooking for one or two people is hard y'all. So its easy to start cooking chicken breasts, lean cuisines, and making sandwiches. On a fancy night, spaghetti. Which is FINE AND DANDY most nights....
But, then what do you do when its your turn to host supper club? Or several dates in to a relationship, you want to cook for your MR? Or someone asks you to bring a cake to a baby shower?
Pick a few recipes and figure them out. They don't have to be fancy, but they shouldn't be slice and bake cookies either.
Tips and Tricks:
1. Invite friends over and make a recipe. No one likes eating the same recipe 4 times in a row, so this will cut down on leftovers.
2. Make a dessert that you want to try or perfect, then take the rest of the cake to work.
3. Do a potluck with friends. We have done a couple saturday brunches and all tried breakfast recipes.
4. Cut recipes in half.
5. Look for recipes with 5-10 ingredients. Enough to be tasty and not "out of a box" tasting but not too many to be overwhelming and expensive.
6. Realize that its ok if you're not Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray. But a few classic "go to"recipes" is a must at our age.
7. Pinterest. Seriously, you can learn to cook from Pinterest Recipes!
My top 3 go to recipes??
1. Chili
2. Chocolate Chip Pound Cake
3. Cheese Straws
None are super complicated. None have more than 5-10 ingrediants. All are well liked. :)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
#20 A nice piece of jewelry
Essentially, every 20something girl should have a nice piece of jewelry, whether it is a lovely Yurman bracelet that she wears almost daily or a right hand ring. Lovely jewelry is not just for those who were engagement and wedding bands and are given jewelry on anniversaries and birthdays and Christmases.
Save and buy your own jewelry. We aren't talking about 2 Carot diamond pendants, but a nice set of pear earrings or an emerald ring is classic and dresses up both work and play outfits. You can mix nice jewelry in with knockoffs, but if you have a decent job and places to go, invest in something small that makes you feel like a million bucks.
I am in no way suggesting that you blow all your money on fancy gems, but just because your left hand doesn't sport a big diamond doesn't mean you don't deserve a little bling.
My suggestion: a set of pearl earrings, a pear neclace, or a yurman bracelet.
I probably only have 2-3 nice pieces of jewelry, but if I never get married, I plan on purchasing a piece every few years. There is no reason to end up single and fifty, wearing Target jewelry because I waited for a man to buy it from me.
(1) Check out JTV.com (jewelry tv) -- you can actually find good deals here. I'ev ordered a ring from there before.
(2) Mix in a Yurman with fakes until you can afford a few yurmans (this is what I am currently doing!)
(3) a pearl ring will give you the most bang for your buck. You can find a decent one for under 200 and its class enough to wear to job interviews but glitzy enough to wear to a cocktail party
(4) If you are not a jewelry person, don't invest tons in jewelry, but have the few key pieces you can wear for years -- pearls, a nice ring, diamond stud earrings, etc.
Save and buy your own jewelry. We aren't talking about 2 Carot diamond pendants, but a nice set of pear earrings or an emerald ring is classic and dresses up both work and play outfits. You can mix nice jewelry in with knockoffs, but if you have a decent job and places to go, invest in something small that makes you feel like a million bucks.
I am in no way suggesting that you blow all your money on fancy gems, but just because your left hand doesn't sport a big diamond doesn't mean you don't deserve a little bling.
My suggestion: a set of pearl earrings, a pear neclace, or a yurman bracelet.
I probably only have 2-3 nice pieces of jewelry, but if I never get married, I plan on purchasing a piece every few years. There is no reason to end up single and fifty, wearing Target jewelry because I waited for a man to buy it from me.
(1) Check out JTV.com (jewelry tv) -- you can actually find good deals here. I'ev ordered a ring from there before.
(2) Mix in a Yurman with fakes until you can afford a few yurmans (this is what I am currently doing!)
(3) a pearl ring will give you the most bang for your buck. You can find a decent one for under 200 and its class enough to wear to job interviews but glitzy enough to wear to a cocktail party
(4) If you are not a jewelry person, don't invest tons in jewelry, but have the few key pieces you can wear for years -- pearls, a nice ring, diamond stud earrings, etc.
Monday, October 22, 2012
#19: Non-marriage based goals.
EVERY 20-SOMETHING SINGLE GAL SHOULD HAVE NON MARRIAGE RELATED GOALS.
I'm not going to lie. Two of my biggest goals in life is to be a wife and mother. However, clearly, I can't control these goals....well maybe I could adopt or have a child on my own. And I certainly have tried to do what I can in the dating/relationship department. BUT I learned early on that relational aspects of life don't happen on your timeline sometime.
I see so many single girls (encouraged by married folks and the church) make marriage and babies their only goals. And I agree with making it a goal and doing all the things necessary to get there -- dating, improving your appearance, widening your social circles. But, at the end of the day, it will happen when the Lord wants it to happen, even if you do everything right.
And, you know where that leaves you?? feeling like a failure. You feel rejected for not being "picked" and like a failure for not meeting your "goals".
You have got to have other goals. Want to get a masters? Run a marathon? Go to greece? DO THESE THINGS.
YOU NEED OTHER GOALS BECAUSE YOU NEED SOME CERTAINTY.
I ran my first half marathon simply because I felt like I needed to achieve something. I hated my job. I was new in town and only had a few friends (which both improved within the year) I was barely dating (this also improved within the year, although I didn't meet mr right or anything like that!) I needed a goal and I needed to feel like I actually accomplished something. I needed control over something....and deciding to run a half marathon was something I could work for and control. I could achieve that. I liked having certainty.
So, pick some goals. Do some of the things that singleness allows you the time to do. Or, do some of those things you are waiting on marriage for: buying a house, investing, etc.
I'm not going to lie. Two of my biggest goals in life is to be a wife and mother. However, clearly, I can't control these goals....well maybe I could adopt or have a child on my own. And I certainly have tried to do what I can in the dating/relationship department. BUT I learned early on that relational aspects of life don't happen on your timeline sometime.
I see so many single girls (encouraged by married folks and the church) make marriage and babies their only goals. And I agree with making it a goal and doing all the things necessary to get there -- dating, improving your appearance, widening your social circles. But, at the end of the day, it will happen when the Lord wants it to happen, even if you do everything right.
And, you know where that leaves you?? feeling like a failure. You feel rejected for not being "picked" and like a failure for not meeting your "goals".
You have got to have other goals. Want to get a masters? Run a marathon? Go to greece? DO THESE THINGS.
YOU NEED OTHER GOALS BECAUSE YOU NEED SOME CERTAINTY.
I ran my first half marathon simply because I felt like I needed to achieve something. I hated my job. I was new in town and only had a few friends (which both improved within the year) I was barely dating (this also improved within the year, although I didn't meet mr right or anything like that!) I needed a goal and I needed to feel like I actually accomplished something. I needed control over something....and deciding to run a half marathon was something I could work for and control. I could achieve that. I liked having certainty.
So, pick some goals. Do some of the things that singleness allows you the time to do. Or, do some of those things you are waiting on marriage for: buying a house, investing, etc.
Friday, October 19, 2012
#18: a HEALTH and BEAUTY routine
#18: Every TwentySomething Single gal should have a health and beauty routine.
You don't have to have everything figured out yet....married or single. You are in your twenties and your body will change. Appearance -wise and health-wise.
You shouldn't be eating solely pizza and wings still. Either it will catch up with you weight-wise or it already has. Or if not, its affecting you, just not your waistline.
In the past 5 years, I got the flu twice, mono so severe I was hospitalized, and a staff infection requiring hopsitalization. Ask me how often I got sick in high school and college....rarely. I can't remember anything that severe, just stomach bugs and colds and viruses. Our body is a little older and adjusting to working. And honestly, the older you get, the more dangerous high fevers can be.
So, get in the habit of getting your flu shot. Buy lotion for your face. Start thinking about a facecare system, wrinkle cream, all that good stuff. For heaven's sake, wear sunscreen.
Do you take birth control? Do you plan on taking it when you get married? Maybe its time to start thinking about and figuring that out now (I have a friend who started right before she got married and spent most of her engagement sick before she realized that it was the BC making her sick, so it would be good to learn that now)
Do something that I have been horrible about (curse of being a DR's daughter and relying on him) - find dr's you like and trust. Get yearly checkups.
Invest in good makeup. And if you need it, quality hair or skin products.
Establish it now while you are in your prime -- late 20s and early 30s are when many women look their best (age hasn't caught up completely and they don't look like kids anymore!) Once you have a housefull of munchkins, figuring out what eyecream works best will seem secondary. Take advantage of singleness and do it now...
And seriously, people, get your flu shot (I am getting mine next wednesday)
You don't have to have everything figured out yet....married or single. You are in your twenties and your body will change. Appearance -wise and health-wise.
You shouldn't be eating solely pizza and wings still. Either it will catch up with you weight-wise or it already has. Or if not, its affecting you, just not your waistline.
In the past 5 years, I got the flu twice, mono so severe I was hospitalized, and a staff infection requiring hopsitalization. Ask me how often I got sick in high school and college....rarely. I can't remember anything that severe, just stomach bugs and colds and viruses. Our body is a little older and adjusting to working. And honestly, the older you get, the more dangerous high fevers can be.
So, get in the habit of getting your flu shot. Buy lotion for your face. Start thinking about a facecare system, wrinkle cream, all that good stuff. For heaven's sake, wear sunscreen.
Do you take birth control? Do you plan on taking it when you get married? Maybe its time to start thinking about and figuring that out now (I have a friend who started right before she got married and spent most of her engagement sick before she realized that it was the BC making her sick, so it would be good to learn that now)
Do something that I have been horrible about (curse of being a DR's daughter and relying on him) - find dr's you like and trust. Get yearly checkups.
Invest in good makeup. And if you need it, quality hair or skin products.
Establish it now while you are in your prime -- late 20s and early 30s are when many women look their best (age hasn't caught up completely and they don't look like kids anymore!) Once you have a housefull of munchkins, figuring out what eyecream works best will seem secondary. Take advantage of singleness and do it now...
And seriously, people, get your flu shot (I am getting mine next wednesday)
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