FINAL thoughts on singleness: KEEP ON LOOKING

(THIS PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN AS A DUAL BLOG TOPIC WITH HOPE BECAUSE IT GOES ALONG WITH THAT POST.)

Seriously, I strongly dislike comments like "When you quit looking, He'll find you" or even worse, "When you are satisfied in Jesus, he will give you a mate." and these comments come from married folks.

On top of being biblically UNTRUE, it also implies that the speaker did "quit looking" and focused only on Jesus and reached some spiritual level deemed good enough to be blessed with a spouse...so therefore, be like them.

Now, what people mean to say is this: Don't stress, don't panic, don't obsess.  Be yourself and don't worry if every date you go on is the one.  Thats all true. And if there is any inkling of truth to the whole "I quit looking and found him" theory, its this: when you aren't as worried, you are more fun and more attractive.

But, goodness, ladies, keep on looking.  If you want to get into med school, you may sometimes need to take a night off, but you don't get into med school when you quit trying. You can't get in without studying, taking the MCAT, interviewing!  Same with dating....you may need to take time off from looking at times...a weekend in, a couple months after a breakup.  You certainly don't need to always stress and worry, but never quit looking.

And by don't quit looking, I don't mean limit your search to guys who you think meet some checklist in your head. I mean, be open.  Did a guy from church ask you out, but he is not your type? Give hime a chance. Were you invited to a party with people you don't know well? Good, dress up cute and go mingle.

Don't always be thinking -- is this a guy I can marry, but always be thinking - is this a guy I can go on a date with.  Figuring out if its the right guy doesn't happen immediately, deciding he's a sweet enough guy to go to dinner with is pretty easy.

I gave some guys a chance I probably shouldn't have, but being open minded kept me dating and meeting new people.  I think my willingness to meet new people and actively look helped me meet Dave....although along the way, I certainly took breaks from the dating scene several times!

Keep on looking. And, know that looking doesn't mean you don't trust God or that you aren't content in God  (NOTE: You probably aren't content enough in God, none of us are!)  It just means that you hope to meet a great guy to settle down with.  So, live life, keep looking and be open to try new things - online dating, blind dates, giving guys a chance you never thought you would, etc!

FINAL thoughts on singleness: HOPE

I think when other believers emphasize a life of contentment to singles, they often devalue hope....afterall, if you are hoping for more, you most not be grateful for what you have or content with the life you are living.

Quite frankly, thats not true. Even Adam lived in a perfect world and was content, but God said it wasn't good for him to be alone. You can live a full life and still strive for other goals and other hopes.  Otherwise, no one would apply to med school or have a baby, because they would just think the life they were living was so full that they didn't need to add anything or anyone else.

Additionally, there is this percentage of people that are "nervous" to encourage hope because they don't want to feel too dissapointed if it doesn't work out their way-- it's almost as if we need to discourage hope because encouraging hope and then those hopes not coming to fruition doesn't exactly portray God well, does it?  It's easier to NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP then to deal with the possible NO at the end of the tunnel.

We don't really believe God can come through, that He can answer a longtime prayer or heal the sick or goodness, even bring about marriages or babies for those who are waiting.

The thing is God doesn't need us to "make it easy for him" or "let Him off the hook" - if His answer is no, it will be No, but that's because for whatever reason, that answer brings glory to Him and good to you.  It is not because God can't answer prayers.

Also, a failure to hope is a self fulfilling prophecy.  A failure to hope prevents fixing the things we need to fix about ourselves.  As long as I was hopeful that I would meet someone, I willingly gave guys a chance, said yes to dates I might not normally say yes to, went to parties, presented myself well, tried to stay in shape, etc. Hoping encourages us to be our best, to fix our flaws, to constantly reevaluate areas of weakness, to give people a chance and to generally put out good friendly vibes into the world.  This attracts people,  maybe not Mr. Right, but it does cause people to want to be around you!

Lastly, why hope? because scripture is full of references to hoping in the Lord!! We are told to do so! My all time favorite verse is Romans 12:12: Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.

There you have it, Hope in the Lord brings Joy, and in a Christian life that requires patience due to affliction, we need all the Joy we can get :)

So, hope in the Lord. Hope that He provides. Hope that He heals brokeness. Hope that He changes circumstances. Hope that He provides comfort!! Hope that He sustains and encourages and reminds you that He is our primary need, not relationships. Hope because He says to do so.  He knew life would be broken and painful and dissapointing at times and right there in scripture's command to be patient in affliction and faithful in prayer, we are told to joyfully HOPE!

(SIDENOTE: Just like yesterday, this really isn't specifically about singleness, just about something I learned during singleness. Being Joyful in HOPE is really something to strive for all the time, single or married!)

FINAL Thoughts on Singleness: Grieving.

I meant to start this "series" yesterday (I say series cautiously as its just a personal blog, not a magazine, etc)...but I was sick, as in didn't sit up until 5 pm.  My adorable yet germy nephew gave me the stomach bug...which is exactly what I needed amidst all my crazyness at the moment. Plus, I hate doing nothing...looking back at the end of the day and thinking, I accomplished nothing -- I saw nothing, did nothing, etc.  Heck I didn't even turn the TV on until 3 pm! But, I suppose I needed rest and that was good because I got a lot of it! Anyways, I am a little weak and tired but practically back to normal and working today!

(Also, small side note: I truly think one of the happiest moments in life is when you've recovered "enough" from the stomach bug to get to drink sprite....seriously, the finest champagne you could ever drink can't possibly taste as delicious as that sprite does at that moment!!)

So on with my series on my final thoughts on singlness....

I stumbled across this article from 3 years ago, and I couldn't agree more.

Life is fabulous for me at the moment (albeit full of stress!!) I am marrying the most amazing man, heading to the west coast for a week long vacation and starting our new life together in a city I love.  That being said, things haven't always gone perfectly, nor will they always go perfectly. I would have selected that things go a bit differently, possibly without the pain and embaressment of a broken engagement, but this is the way things went....and I truly had to grieve lost dreams before I embraced new ones.  I love the life I am living now, although it wasn't the one I selected.

Some excerpts from the article...

"And I had a choice. Choice No. 1: I could dwell on the deep sense of loss I felt at the death of those dreams, question God's goodness and become bitter. Choice No. 2: I could grieve the things I would not be and ask my loving Father to show me new dreams — the things “no eye has seen” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

But first I had to let go of my expectations for my life. I had to give up control of my circumstances (control I didn't truly have in the first place). I had to accept with joy the things I would never be.


Life doesn't always go well for those who follow God. In fact, sometimes it's the opposite. For reasons only heaven knows, our lives can seem void of goodness.

At some point during my single years, I decided it was futile, and even sinful, to cling to the things I would not be. I could only seek to know better the things I would be: a loving daughter, a loyal friend, an encouraging sister, a devoted follower of Jesus.

Many dreams I couldn't even imagine — they resided in my heart as very basic hope — things unknown to me that I trusted God could do. Instead of wasting my energy on grieving what I would never be, I sought to transfer that energy into being someone for Him.

The truth is, I cannot dream God-sized dreams. I also cannot bear God-sized tragedies. Whether I am realizing dreams or dealing with the loss of them, I need the One who created me and loves me."


I love how she didn't say "don't dwell and just be content". She acknowledges that she had to grieve.  I think if you don't stop to grieve and accept reality, you will grow bitter....you may be all smiles and claims of contentment at first, but the reality of life's unfairness will eventually hit you.  But she also focused on gaining new dreams, ones she had not even planned on.

A lot of times, waiting is tough because what you are waiting on isn't "bad" or sinful.  It's one thing for God to say no to something sinful or selfishly wanted, but the desire to be a wife and mother isn't bad at all! In fact, its good, so why all the waiting, feeling as if you wanted something you shouldn't have? I don't have the answers, but what I do know is that our small stories play into a much bigger story and the parts we play may be good -- wife, mother, hardworking attorney, sunday school teacher, etc- and the parts also may be filled with dissapointment, but each part is about bringing Glory to our Savior, so even the failed dreams and heartaches and waiting can be used to do that!

I am no fool. I know that marriage does not mean the end of grieving lost dreams.  I have no idea what the future holds for Dave and me, but I know that our small little plans won't likely happen as we had hoped or planned.  There will be other dissapointments, and if singleness has taugt me anything, its taught me that old dreams can be redeemed and new dreams can be created.  I hate that I learned that lesson at 22, but then again, I am glad that I learned that lesson at 22.

So, single women, grieve, don't be afraid to do it.  Don't let friends, family or the church scare you out of it.  Grieve so that you can move on and accept new dreams, new challenges, new goals.  Grieve so that you can run to your Father and be comforted.  Grieve because its unattractive to become that tough hard female that has no feelings or emotions.  Grieve because its a broken world and you are currently experiancing some of that brokeness. But know the difference between grieving and dwelling.  Grieve, but don't spend every moment doing so. Grieve while aiming at moving on.  Grieve and yearn for your Savior and new dreams.

So, grieve and cry and struggle...and hope. Hope that blessings will come your way and hope in a Savior that will sustain you. (but that's another topic!)

Absence and Blessings

Does Absence make the heart grow fonder??

Absence from Dave
When it comes to love, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It makes Dave and me grumpy! Being apart has made the last month of engagement probably the roughest because it put a lot of responsibilities on each of our shoulders -- to do things alone that should be done together. Picking out a place, final details on wedding, packing up, setting up shop in a new city, etc.  Add to that a lot of stress  and the fact that we are both sinners--- and you have a recipe for some grumpy conversations.

I have a newfound respect for military families.  Not only for being away for months at a time, but also for the fact that they have such patience and understanding about it.  I think you learn that even if you are irritated over something, you shouldn't waste what precious time you have to talk with fighting!! (I had a friend who was a military wife who would dress up for late night skype chats with her husband because she wanted to make them special!)

Even so, we both agree we can't wait to get married, even though our first few month of marriage are already filled with stress...moving our stuff up, finding a job, etc...I just prefer to live life's stressful moments with Dave :) So maybe, despite our grumpiness, I am growing fonder.  It's a blessing to know how much better my life is with Dave in it....I am sure I can take him for granted!

Absence from Friends and Family
The reality of leaving family and friends is hitting me.  Next Sunday, I have to decide whether or not to go to my home church or my church in Jackson because it will be my last sunday most likely!  At the wedding, I have to say goodbye to my baby sister until Christmas (maybe this fall, I hope!) (who am I kidding, I will probably swing by and hug her one last time as we leave town Saturday for honeymoon!!)  See Ansley leaves to work at a summer camp the week after my wedding.  When I get back, she will be gone.  When I fly home to move us to DC, she will still be gone.  She and I are very close so the thought of saying goodbye for possibly 6 months is so sad! I also will spend the week after our honeymoon saying final goodbye to friends.  Luckily my family lives in Jackson so when I come home for holidays, I will also see friends.  Even so, leaving the amazing group of friends of I have is hard.

The truth is, being away from those you love is hard :(  Which is probably why, despite my adventurous side, I could not manage to leave Jackson until Dave gave me reason to do so. So much good here!  The good news is that being away from Dave makes it a bit easier to do....because he is already in DC, I feel like I am going to someone I love instead of just leaving people I love. So his absence does have some good qualities, I guess :)

Also I am really glad that its sad to leave Jackson. I loved Auburn but was ready to leave---broken engagement, stuck in same town as EX, friends graduated...so after a few summer weeks spent finishing my thesis, I wanted out. I love Oxford, but I was ready to leave.  Very few GOOD friends and most of those had already left...It wasn't so sad to leave....but leaving Jackson is sad.  What a blessing!  How great to have a place I love so much that its actually difficult to leave.  How special to have godly fun encouraging friends that I hate to say goodbye to!

...and, as I said above, I am leaving to go be with someone, so what a blessing to have a happy reason to leave Jackson!

Living despite Fear

I don't know about y'all, but I am scared of a LOT.  I think I am at that age where I have lived long enough to experience enough disappointment and frustrations to keep me cautious, but not long enough to where I think "screw it,  what's taking this risk going to hurt??"  (Note: while I am not looking forward to aging, I am looking forward to getting old enough where your take on life is "why not" again)

So moving somewhere where I have to make new friends, get involved, find a job can be an overwhelming thought at times.  The sad thing is 8 years ago, it would have been an exciting thought.....but something about getting older makes us a bit more practical -- and in relation, a bit more frightful!

I am quite excited too, but I'm now practical enough to be to be somewhat fearful, which is why I was so glad to read THIS ARTICLE and I had to share.   The thing is, with all the blessings in life, even alongside the challenges, we could miss the good if we spend too much time in fear!

An excerpt from the blog post....

What do we miss because we’re afraid of being disappointed or inconvenienced? 

How often do we limit ourselves out of a fear of the messy and unpredictable? 

The call to discipleship is a call to live—today—the life that’s right in front of us.

And if it’s not about mercy or adventure, then maybe it’s about adhering to the faithful voice of God.  Huge decisions beg for direction that’s bigger than a pros and cons list.  Don’t avoid the radical, but do wait on God’s guidance.  Ultimately, despite the risks, all that matters is whether or not this is what God is asking us to do.  And if the spirit of God brings confirmation, then by all means, jump out of that plane.

We only have these few years on earth to love a broken world.  And it may be that we’re called in radical ways to get over ourselves and hug this place without letting go.

And it’s hard to do that if my fears are the loudest voices my soul hears.

God whispers, “Live.  Live. Live.”

Wake up and embrace a dangerous path, because we know who we are and we know the One who gives strength. You don’t have to get over your fears to fly—but you do have to recognize you’re more than what you’re afraid of. 

Climb mountains without fearing the altitude. Jump Even if you pee your pants on the way down.  Breath despite the pollution.

Live each day pouring out the grace that fills your lungs.

I love this --because the author speaks to my desire for adventure and my fear of taking risks now that my life is settled.  She doesn't scold us for being fearful, just encourages us not to let it dictate our lives. We are called to LIVE, not cower in fear...to be careful and discerning, but to jump out of the plane when we feel called.  I think its great to not want to take risks for risk's sake, BUT to embrace the life God has called us to and blessed us with means doing risky things....not only in life (moving, new jobs, etc) but in relationships, ministry, spiritually!

WE ARE CALLED TO LIVE...and fear is no way to live :)

THE HOME STRETCH

Now that we know where we are moving (or in Dave's case already moved) and where we are living, I am so much less stressed.  Now that I am no longer apartment huting, I finally have the time to apply various places and I have just decided that with the exception of a few resumes being sent, I am going to job search AFTER I move for many different reasons:

(1) I am marrying my best friend and one of the best guys I know in less than 3 weeks...after waiting most of my 20s for him to show up! I do not want to miss out on the JOY and CELEBRATION of God's faithfulness because I am worrying about sending resumes!
(2) DC wants you to start quickly and I literally can't start until the 3rd week in July at earliest (and I am hoping August) because that's when I move to DC/ARLINGTON.  I am coming home after the honeymoon to pack up, say goodbyes, change my name, throw away old stuff, exchange any duplicate gifts, etc etc. If I apply for a job, I can't start in a week when they want me too. 
(3) Almost everyone I know says that its easier to find a job when you are up in DC because you are meeting people and already in the city and can literally start TOMORROW if need be.
(4) I will be moving us (I am splitting a moving van with my sister and her husband and son who are also moving up NORTH) So I will be back and forth between MS and DC --I fly up mid July then fly home beginning of August.  Dave can't be leaving work again after he left for the honeymoon and wedding, so as much as I don't want to be unemployed until August, I think that someone has to have the freedom to pack us up and move us to DC.  At the moment, Dave can provide the income and I can provide all the moving plans and details, so I want to be able to do that for us.

So, I anticipate not working until August. And yes this stinks, but in many ways, its frees me up, so I am quite grateful for the freedom to help us move and settle in!

So Job stress - gone. And I literally don't have much wedding stress.  I was stressed the past couple weeks as we got together final BIG details, but now its the homestretch, I trust the people who are planning our wedding and I trust my mom. And if we forget a detail, its small and doesn't matter and we will be married at the end of the day.  That's whats important. So when people ask if I am feeling nervous about the wedding, nope, not really. I'm just excited (oh wait, one bit of nervousness- I got a chemical peel and I have been nervous about my skin going back to normal in time ha!)

Also, other housekeeping notes: I am going to be changing my blog.  My namesake says it all: a 20something who lives in Jackson.  WELL, I won't be in my 20s but for 7-8 more months (gross) and I won't be in Jackson! SO...... it's time to move.  Although I will have some new topics to discuss, I still plan on talking about singleness, dating, marriage, etc.

I've mainly avoided cheesiness during this whole wedding ordeal.  No one really likes the girl who keeps a public countdown on her facebook wall or always gushes about her wedding, fiance, etc.  But the reality has hit me: in 18 days I am marrying my favorite person and in 16 days he comes home (he is quick to correct me that when I say "come home", I am wrong because our home in in DC now....but I think he's wrong, it can't be home until we both live there!)   So soon.

and, almost as importantly as the marriage/wedding, we get to go on a trip and relax in 19 days :)  For a life that has been as busy as ours has been this past month, a break is highly anticipated ha!

Our first "HOME SWEET HOME"

Praise the Lord, we have a home!! Despite the stress of finding one, we really are lucky we found one in 3 weeks!  Due to how hard it had been, we were quite worried that come July, we would still be looking.

We wanted a 1br and we wanted to eventually live in the Courthouse/Rosslyn area of Arlington...and that's exactly what we got...although we weren't looking there yet for fear we could not afford it.

However, we are signing on a lease Saturday that is the opposite of what we wanted immediately.  We thought we would sublet or at most, sign a 6 month lease --for a tiny studio.  This way we could figure out exactly what we could afford (on two salaries) and where we wanted to live. NOT to mention, we could save a but each month in rent.

But, sublets for studio/1br apartments proved hard to come by.  And 6 month leases often added cost to each month's rent due to the short term nature of the lease -- so you don't save very much.  And, as I've shared before, studios weren't an option at many Virginia apartments.

So when Dave's friend gave us this lady's number and it was a 1br in the area we liked for 100-150 more than our originial short term budget, we decided to jump in to a 12 month lease.  I didn't want to get stuck somewhere I didn't like for my than 6 months, but this is where we want to be and we are likely not going to find a good deal like this again for awhile.  It was more than we budgeted for the first few months but less than we were planning to spend on our first 12 month lease, so it evened out!

I just think it's funny how apartment hunting changes you views of things.  I wanted a sublease to figure things out first and now I am so relieved to have a 12 month lease and know I won't be moving again for awhile!  We had ideas about what we thought was best, but God opened and closed the right doors at the right time.

A little about our place: its a 1br with a parking space in a small 3 story apartmemt building with maybe 12 units in it.  It lacks the amenities like a pool or garage but is clean, 2 blocks from the metro, in a safe residential area, has laundry on site, and has hardwood floors. 

The little street we will live on is great -- sidewalk for running, condos, homes and apartment complexes! BUT its a 2 block walk to the main street full of restaurants, bars, etc. There will soon be a new metro line (the silver line) -- coming late summer/spring that goes all the way out to Tyson's Corner/Mclean, just a few blocks from Dave's office, so soon he can avoid the traffic too and just hop on the metro. (SEE, from Courthouse all the way out to Tyson's Corner!)

So come see us everyone :) we would love visitors!!  BUT give us some time to get our furniture moved in (late July/early Aug) Just imagine it with my mid century pieces, a few handmedowns and LOTS of MS prints (with all my pics of oxford, auburn, jackson, cotton, etc, no one will doubt where my heart belongs!)
OH, and a little about our new 'HOOD: COURTHOUSE

A few days ago, when it seemed every place would fall through or not work out, I said to Dave: "I am ready for this move to be exciting again!" Moving far away from family and friends is still stressful, but as the details work out, it gets exciting again.  Sure, I don't have a job yet and money is tight, but the Lord has been so good to us and will continue to faithfully walk us through every life situation we face, including a move and marriage within a few weeks.  I can't wait to see the life we have ahead of us in Courthouse!