Friday, February 15, 2013
Yesterday I read this article: You May or May Not Get Married.....
I feel like you could title this article, "You may or may not have kids" "You may or may not get into med school" "You may or may not have x job" But even so, God is still good.
Sometimes this is hard to swallow. Sometimes the message is given flippantly by people who have no idea what it feels to miss out on something. But its good to know- and remind ourselves-- that God still has a plan.
I like plans. In fact I live for plans. I don't know what kind of love language that qualifies me for under the "5 love languages" but knowing Dave is making birthday dinner plans for me is almost more important than the actual plans. When he takes time to look up hotels, etc for our honeymoon, I feel special - not because of the trip per se, but because he is planning for me! Likewise, when a friend makes plans to see me, as opposed to just dropping by, I am super excited. I guess its because I like certainty and because, I, by nature, am pretty thoughtful and plan things out so I feel loved if you plan things out to be with me, see me, or celebrate with me!
So, I really related to this paragraph by the author:
"It’s a funny thing when we try and live out our idea of a plan. We quickly discover that living out God’s plan is more of a dream come true than any Disney movie could have premiered. It’s just a dream we never imagined."
Probably the most comforting realization that I came to during my single years - and constantly struggled with - is that there was a plan for my life. Not my plan, but a plan. In moments where you feel there is no plan, that is pretty comforting and amazing! My life wasn't just in between chaos. God was not surprised one moment by my broken engagement, recent breakup, lonely weekend night in, new romance, years of singleness, first date, etc.
I'll be honest. I still get upset about once a week that I am getting married at 29. I won't have kids til my 30s. I never expected to be married at 22. I didn't even long for that as a child, but I also never expected to wait so long. It doesn't seem fair. And if life happened according to your plan, then you may not know the mixed feelings of joy and loss singleness and dating brings. Consider yourself lucky. Even now, while overjoyed to get married to such a great guy, I still find myself asking, "why couldn't it have been earlier?" Mixed into the joy is a level of mourning that life turned out so differently than I anticipated. Maybe it will be better, maybe I will love this plan more, but I still lost my plan -- and it was a good plan, not a sinful evil plan. The thing is, God knew I would meet Dave at 27. He knew I would get married at 29. He knew my single years would have ups and downs and rude comments and ministry and joyful moments and nights of tears. He knew He would use it to shape me into the woman He is making me to be. He knew he would use it daily to remind me of the gospel. So its quite possible that I gained a lot more than I lost with His plan. And, I find a lot of comfort in knowing He had a plan, even a plan that hurt me sometimes.
That being said, there will still be mourning (and I know my single ladies understand that) I have wrinkles on my eyes that weren't there at 22. I wanted a few years of marriage before thinking about kids. But God had a plan, and it will likely turn out that this plan is far better than I imagined. Its still a loss that I have to accept slowly, and if you walked down the aisle the summer you graduated college and have 2 kids now, you don't understand. Just like I won't ever understand someone who does't get married til 35 or who applies to grad school a few times before being accepted or tries for 10 years to have babies.
I know so many people who are mourning a life that isn't what they wanted. Waiting for kids, a spouse, a job, etc. In the midst of the mourning, while grieving the fact that our good plans failed, I pray we find comfort in knowing someone loved us enough to have a plan. He knew the pains and losses before they happened and He knew how He would step in and provide.