Sunday, October 9, 2011


I am very hesitant about writing about relationships, dating and breakups when they occur (for my own privacy AND the privacy of those involved)....but last week I had a dating situation that ended - and in such a ridiculous way that my sister informed me I had to write about it.

It was the first time ever that I had a breakup (can you even call it that after a month?) in which I ONLY felt angry and annoyed immediately, not sad. In fact, it was downright funny that I woke up the next morning, called my sister and said, "Did that just happen?" Anyways, I was going to write a very funny post on it, but I don't know how to tell all the details in a post without revealing some of his experiances and stories that aren't mine to tell...but SMALL SUMMARY: before giving me his real reason to end things (not willing to quit working late hours to include a girl in his life, which is a totally fair decisions), he first started by attacking me with some accusations that just made me laugh. And, sorry Marley, although I can't sit tell the entire story publically, I do have some thoughts to share on this situation. I decided that I would spend the week writing on a few topics this situation provided me to think about in my life (is that good enough Marley??) It made me think of 2nd chances/redemption, answered prayers, a bible verse, living in the present, and maybe one other topic, although I don't know how to phrase it in a couple words :) I can't talk about this all at once but today I will talk about Redemption.

1. Redemption

Not to get into an entire dramatic saga, my previous engagement ended and when ending, my ex attacked me with a lot of accusations (some were real sins I had that I was working on, and some were completely false and silly). While I acknowledged my flaws and even sat there and let him attack me with crazy accusations, he never once was willing to admit a single flaw. I was trying to save my relationship and trying to see where I was wrong that I let him blame me. I've always regretted that. I am a fairly outspoken and confident person so I hated myself for not sticking up for myself enough during the end of our relationship.

It's a hard line to tow -- being willing to see your flaws and admit them and not being blamed for a situation. Its easy to try so hard to see "how you contributed to a fight, breakup, disagreement with a friend," that you end up being blamed for and taking responsibility for someone else's decisions or sin. (I guess the same is true, sometimes we focus on the other person's flaws so much we miss our own contribution to the problem!) My mom raised my siblings and I to always look at what we did first when conflict arises...and so I do, and if I don't, she is MORE THAN WILLING to point it out for me...

Anyways, since my engagement ended, my biggest pet peeve in friendships, dating, family, etc is when people don't take responsibility for their decisions, blaming others or making up reasons that the other person is to blame. So, as this current dating situation ended, I had the chance to actually say "No, that's not true." I informed him that it was fine he wanted to quit seeing me, but blaming me for his decision was just not going to be okay with me.

I need to do that more...I need to stick up for myself with friends, family and boys. I especially needed the chance to redeem my passivity from college. This time, a man flat out lied to me, claiming I did things I had not and I said, "No, not taking your responsibility and blame." And when the conversation ended, all I could feel was proud. (not to mention calling him out on the lies drew out the truth...)

Life is about balance, and I learned that last week. Examining your life for sin and flaws is the best thing you can do, but everytime conflict occurs doesnt mean you are to blame. Its a balance between having enough humility to see your weaknesses and enough self-respect to not accept blame and accusations that aren't true. Even my mom, great advocate of the "examine what you did wrong" movement told me, "Honey, you know how I always tell you to look at what you did wrong in a relationship, well, this time you didn't do a darn thing wrong."

Funny what a difference five years makes -- this time I had enough self-esteem and life experiance to fight back. And, I had the opportunity to do so - to fight back, to see the flaw of blaming others (sometimes I worry that I miss that one when dating) and to redeem my passivity from the past.

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