Friday, July 20, 2012

an outsider's view on.... MOTHERING

I'm not a mother, so I am not an expert on how it should be done.  Don't take this post as a reliable authority you could site in a paper....but do take it has a honest opinion from someone on the outside looking in.


I recently saw a picture on facebook of a friend's 3rd baby....the husband said something like this as the tag of the picture: "E had a successful v-back after 2 csections (although her righteousness and self worth are not based on how she delivers babies)"

I LOVED his post. I know it was partly joking but it was so true.  There is so much talk about c-sections being wrong and natural births being better or drugs during birth being a bad thing.  There is also criticism from the other side-- that natural births or home births are risky.  And, you know what? there may be some validity to some of these points...but at the end of the day, you are not a better mother because you had a drug free natural home birth or because you had a c-section in the nicest hospital in town.  I just think its funny how this becomes the end all be all of measuring your parenting decision making skills and abilities.

And that's when it begins...after that there are multiple decisions that mothers (and fathers I suppose) can make.... Do we breastfeed? How long? Cloth diapers of disposable? mom stays home and money is really tight? both parents work? (some families, this is NOT an option). Do we allow tv? public or private or home school? organic food? homemade baby food or store bought? babywise or attachment parenting? no sugar ever or sugar every now and then? etc, etc, etc.

The truth is....and again, this is from the outside looking in, not one of these decisions will likely destroy your child. And not one merits you as a good mother.

Do you love your child? Do you do whats best for them most of the time (we all fail some!)? Do you teach them about the Lord and His love for them? Do you give them opportunities to learn? Do you discipline them?

I know that some decisions are detrimental...12 hours of tv a day or nothing but sugar -- but just because you had a c section or nursed for 6 months not 12 or let your child eat candy at the movies does not make you a bad mother....and if your friends do things you disagree with like homeschool or allow tv before homework or chooses timeouts over spanking?

I just think that there are enough attacks on parents nowadays...enough challenges in raising godly kids, lets not attack eachother.

We all have the right to disagree and respect eachother. My sister uses cloth diapers. I probably won't use them with my kids...but at the end of the day, that decision won't make or break our kids.  Lets spend more time getting upset about the real problem parents-- those who or neglectful or abusive -- or spend time worrying about the single african mother trying to provide food for her babies.  Those are the real issues, whether you had a natural birth while singing at the top of your lungs or plan to homeschool and teach your 5 year old calculus, I may disagree but I don't think its the end of the world.

That facebook status was right: a woman's righteousness and self worth is not based on how she births her babies...or in the small decisions like which type of diaper to wear.  (Thankfully, her righteousness is not based in her mothering abilities at all, but thats an entirely different blog post... ) So, quit beating eachother up for small decisions and help encourage eachother in the big ones-- how to teach your child about Christ, how to encourage morality and obediance and a compassionate heart, how to appreciate your child for his or her little unique personalities.


  1. I totally almost did a post on the outsider's view of the mommy wars. I'm glad that someone else agrees with me that as long as the child isn't in danger, the whole thing is just silly!

  2. SO true!! It's crazy that we put so much pressure on women to do the "right" thing when it comes to raising their kids. I've watch friends just make themselves crazy because a book said they should do x, when really doing y would have been easier on them and just as good for the baby. Forget it!


  3. My biggest pet peeve is the whole breastfeeding controversy. As adults, honestly, do you know who was breastfed and who was not? Does it really make a difference? Honestly? It does not. My father was adopted and has two masters degrees and had a successful career and is an amazing man...he was not breastfed. My boyfriend was not either and he is pretty great. I was only nursed for like 6 weeks and I'm still thriving.
    While, I feel I will choose to breastfeed, if I do not, I will not beat myself up about it...
    These tend to be the same women who spend their lives texting on their phone and missing out on being present in their own children's lives.
    I truly feel that it is so much harder to point the finger at others than actually turn the mirror on youself. When you look in the mirror and acknowledge your own shortcomings, its hard because then you are forced to DO something about it.
    Sorry for my long post! But totally agree with you. As usual!

  4. I agree!! my dad is a pediatrician and will verify that the differece between breastmilk and formula is small. I still think I will breastfeed and think its ideal, but I don't judge those who can't or do for just a little bit or don't.

    My point is I don't have to proove to myself and others that I am a good mom because I breastfeed.

    I know so many women who breastfeed and all of them are good mothers but the reason they are good moms has nothing to do with their breasts!