Thursday, September 20, 2012

Stupid Stuff People Say (and do) to Singles #1

I can't take credit for this idea, another blogger I follow (who is married, but was single for part of her twenties) started a series about stupid stuff said to singles (also check out her first post). I've always wanted to do something like this, but didn't want to step on toes, but this gave me the nerve to do so.... this will undo some myths about singles, and possibly cause some of my readers to rething their words and actions...

BUT on a sidenote, most singles get annoyed with these comments at situations YET I know that most all of my friend's hearts are in  the right place.  I think singles learn to look at people's intentions, not their words.... probably one of the hidden blessings of singleness. :) I hope it comes in handy when one day people are judging my parenting skills, homemaking skills,saying rude comments about working when I have kids or not working.  I consider handling rude singleness comments as training for when I have to handle rude parenting comments. (Clearly, women can be bad with words in all stages of our lives right??)

(PS-Yes I realize I now have two series going on: contentment and stupid stuff people I want to start a cheap dates series where Dave and I try out cheap date options and report back.... What can I say? I'm suddenly overambitious on my blogging topics!!!)

Stupid Thing #1: One day you'll understand, when you are married and paying bills.

I had someone say this to me a few years ago.  REALLY? Did they think my parents were paying all my bills? That would have been FABULOUS, but it just wasn't happening. I have student loans, I pay rent, I have bills, a car note, etc. I pay for my meals when I go out and pay for my clothing.  Unfortunately, for singles, the "responsible" part of adulthood hits even if some of the benefits (like a spouse and children) don't.  Sure, I don't have the obligation of paying for a child (and many married folks don't either) but I do have obligations.

I actually look forward to marriage for the practical reason of two incomes (and for many other reasons too!), one apt lease or one mortgage, one set of house bills, the ability to cook in more (easier to do for two than one....)  I am certain children will increase my cost of living, but actually, marriage with two salaries will be financially superior to living on one salary alone.       

Stupid Thing #2: You're standards are too high.

This is a tricky one.  Sometimes people do have really high standards (and if you know them well enough, then you probably should kindly say this) But, the fact that I don't want to date someone who is obese or unemployed or not serious about their faith or pessimistic does not mean I have too high expectations.

Essentially what "too high expectations" implies is: you think too much of yourself, realize your age and realize that you have to settle.

A better way to phrase this is: give him a chance, go on a couple dates, he might surprise you, my husband(college boyfriend, lonterm guy, etc) surprised me.  I am a big believer in giving guys a chance, but I am probably more that way because of age and increased maturity (I hope!) than because I am desperate.  I encourage my friends to give guys a chance. but there is a difference between giving guys a chance and SETTLING, lowering standards, etc because you feel desperate (or because someone else feels desperate on your behalf!)

So are some of your single friends standards too high? absolutely, but only a few. Just like the assumption that a lot of southern girls who married young just "settled" is wrong, the concept that singles are all too picky is wrong.  Take me, for instance, I have dated cute men, not so cute men, men with wild pasts, men who were nerds, a divorced man, successful educated men, a man who dropped out of college.  I haven't met the right man because I haven't met the right man, it can't be blamed on overexpectations for myself.

Stupid Thing #3: I didn't invite you because it was a married event. (I didn't invite you because it was only/mostly married people there)

I want to be married, yes. But I don't cry everytime I am with a group of married people and I don't lack the conversation skills to speak to them.  If you are having a dinner party, invite me. I would love to come. If you are really concerned about me being the only single, invite a couple others or tell me to bring a friend or two.  And, come to my events when I invite you too (I swear, I think some of my married friends think I am throwing wild parties and choose not to come to things at my house, nope, its just a wine and game night, not a frat kegger...)

I can make an effort to jump into talk about babies, marriages, etc.  And you can make an effort to ask me about my life.  And you might find that we have a lot more in common than we don't -- all young 20somethings, finding ourselves, starting our careers and lives, etc.  We can all talk events, jobs, football, etc.....Sometimes, it may be hard to find common ground between marrieds (mainly those with kids) and singles, but unfortunetely, like any other two groups of people, God doesn't give us a "pass" on establishing friendships.

So, if I promise not to cry at being the only single, will you promise not to leave me out of your events simply because I am single?                                            


  1. You are clearly way nicer than I am. I loved this. I especially love it since sometimes I forget what being single was exactly like. Or, more specifically, my time of singleness gets painted with rose colored glasses. But seriously, I loved it.

    And I would love a cheap date series.

  2. I got the idea from you! I meant to link to you, oops, I will edit it to do so....

    Ha I love some of my single days, not all, but mostly, life is good.

  3. So true, Katy!! People are apparently the same everywhere. Yesterday a family friend---man in his 70's or so---sat me down and had a long talk with me because he was worried that I'm not married. Yes, that was not uncomfortable at all. Sheesh!